I feel lost...PLEASE HELP

Hello everyone, I'm in desperate need of help, and any that I can get would be greatly appreciated.

I have been married for 16 years to an absolutely wonderful woman, and I have always been completely faithful to her. Recently I came out to her and told her that I liked to crossdress, and that I have fantasies about being dressed as a woman and having sex with a guy, but I would never actually ACT on these feelings. She asked me point blank if I was gay, and I told her I didn't really think that I was, because I loved her, and I'm still attracted to her. She's my best friend, and I love her, but...am I being honest with her?

Does crossdressing and roleplaying while masturbating mean that I'm just a closeted gay and haven't "taken the next step?" I really want to be honest with her, but I honestly don't know what to think or feel anymore. I like being a guy, but I enjoy expressing my femininity as well, such as shaving my legs and wearing womens' shoes. I found a great pair that are kind of "gender neutral."

What am I? Is there something wrong with me? Am I lying to my wife? To myself? Why do I feel so bad about having these feelings?

I'm sorry if this post seems a bit long, but I feel lost, and I don't know where to go or who to talk to anymore.

 

I guess my question is, at what point does my behavior cross a line from "this is just something I enjoy" to "it's time to admit that I'm gay and make peace with it."

I don't know what I am, and I don't know what to think anymore. I mean, I see a woman and a man, and I think, "God if I were her....", then I feel guilty and horrible for having these feelings, like I'm being dishonest with my wife, and then I read about how it's common and normal to have these feelings. I feel like I'm being torn apart, and I don't know how to make peace with who or what I am. I feel like something is wrong with me, and if I could just get to the core of what it is, then maybe I can fix it.

:icon_sad:

 

Could I just be in denial? My wife suggested that maybe I was. I can honestly say that when she proposed that maybe I was gay, I was instantly turned on. I mean, instantly. But I love her, so how can I be gay, right? No, I'm not. But then I crossdress and masturbate and have these fantasies about being a woman completely and totally, and then I have massive feelings of guilt and frustration.

Like I said, I feel lost. I hate having these feelings. I just wish we were born with some sort of card that said "This is what you are, accept it, and don't worry anymore about it."



Could I be transgendered as well?

 

I just wish there was a pill to make it all stop.



I don't know what's normal, or even how to make peace with myself and who or what I am.



And I don't want to hurt anyone, let alone my wife. She's as wonderful as a woman as any man could want, but I'm not even sure that I'm a man. Maybe I'm a woman trapped in a man's body.

I'm so confused.

:tears:

 

But why can't I stop thinking about it? Everywhere I go, I see women with men and think how lucky they are to have a guy, to be a woman for him, and part of me wishes it was me, wishes I was a woman, a wife. I think maybe I should have been born a woman, but I don't know. I feel so, so lost.

These desires, never, ever stop, and I wish they would.

 

If I wasn't married, and I had the permission to live my life, I'd want to live as a woman 24/7. I don't identify with guys, I don't like the things guys like. I prefer the company and conversation of women, I love their mannerisms, caring and gentle nature, confidence and quiet wisdom (and the clothes and shoes!)

I guess I'm saying, I don't know what I am, or if I need to be concerned about anything. Does having these feelings and "roleplaying" have some deeper meaning that I'm just keeping in denial? And is it time that I just stopped kidding myself and embraced who I am?

I can tell you honestly I'd LOVE to live as a woman, but living with a guy? Not sure about that...

The problem with penises are that they're attached to guys!

See why I'm so confused?

 

Tons. I've read that it's biological, that basically we all have a female brain (since we're inherently female developmentally) and the proper hormones were not obtained in either the right dosage and/or for the proper amount of time, and that's why some males are born with a "female brain", i.e., they identify with females, etc. It's sketchy data at best, but it's at least a start in the direction of where being transgendered comes from.

I can tell you that I was raised by a mother who encouraged non-traditional male behavior, and my father did everything in his power to smash those feelings out of me. He openly berated me for being "girly" and "not manly enough".

I've read that there are different levels of gender dysphoria. I have not spoken to a professional psychologist. Perhaps it's time that I did.

Like I said, (without going into too much detail), I like to dress and roleplay being a woman, and fantasize about being with a guy...are there some deeper issues that I need to explore, or can I just chalk this up to "Hey, it's fun and I'm not hurting anyone" category. I can honestly say that if I could, I'd live as a woman every waking moment for the rest of my life, it I could and it was practical.

Or am I completely wrong to compartmentalize and label myself? I'm just trying to "Know thyself."

 

Thank you all for the kind words and support. I've done so much soul searching, and I think everyday about my situation. I constantly think about having sex with guys and I wish I was born a woman. I can't stop thinking about it. Ever. It occupies damn near every waking moment of my day. It's almost like I can't even focus on anything else. That's why I'm wondering if maybe I'm gay and just in denial, and that maybe if I came out, I wouldn't obsess over it so much.

I guess I'm saying, my ideal life would be a woman and be with a guy. If this is just a fantasy, wouldn't I only think about it once in a while? Why do I think about it all the time?

All of this just makes me want to cry. I'm hurting so much on the inside and no one even knows cause I just smile and put on a brave face.

:tears: