1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Explaining bisexuality to immigrant parents is tough and i just can't

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by wanderinggirl, Dec 12, 2013.

  1. wanderinggirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2013
    Messages:
    1,189
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Even as acceptance for homosexuality is increasing among some demographics, it feels like bisexuality is incredibly tough for people to grasp. People seem to be like "well now that homosexuality is more acceptable, these fickle bisexual people should just come out already because they are clearly gay!" My parents seem to think that I just need to pick a team and stick to it, when I genuinely in my heart don't feel that way. I'm tired of trying to explain and defend it, but I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be taken seriously without applying a false label to myself.

    I know this topic has been hashed and rehashed but I keep going around in circles in my head about how I should just accept that I'm gay, or that I should admit this is a phase and that I'm really straight, and neither one is the truth. Gray areas exist!

    My parents would totally have no problem with me being gay, but they don't believe in bisexuality and I feel hurt that they aren't taking me at my word. Ideally they would just trust me: I'm not making this shit up, it's not particularly easy being caught between two worlds, it's not just a phase. It's incredibly frustrating.

    Any tips on how to defend my sexuality, for a girl who is sick of defending her sexuality?
     
  2. Aldrick

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2012
    Messages:
    2,175
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Virginia
    I think you're looking at this the wrong way, and that you should try to re-frame the situation in your mind.

    You feel like your sexual identity is under attack, and since it is coming from people you love - it hurts, and you want to defend it. The desire to defend it comes from the desire to see your parents change their opinions. However, things just don't work that way. We can't persuade people who don't want to be persuaded, and we can't change the minds of those who don't want their minds changed. We simply don't have that power.

    What we do have control over is how we see and value ourselves. When we put our value and self-worth in the hands of other people, we will always be at their mercy. However, that's a choice we make for ourselves because we decide how we approach situations just like this.

    It's the difference between feeling the "need" to have someone accept you, vs finding true acceptance of yourself. The ideal position isn't to have them agreeing with you, it's a position where their opinions and thoughts no longer have an impact on you - whether they are positive or negative.

    It's the ability to look in the mirror, realize that you aren't perfect, but that you're good enough. To look into that mirror and love what you see looking back at you, to know what is true for you, and to draw strength from that truth.

    It's the difference between standing there and defending yourself, and calmly telling them: "Well I'm glad you know my most intimate feelings and thoughts more than I do. I'll be sure to consult you in the future when it comes to what I'm feeling and thinking so you can tell me."

    I think the irony here is that when people realize that their opinions and thoughts no longer have an impact on you, that's when they are most likely to change them. I think this is because when we are defending ourselves we always look weak, and it appears by default like the opposing side might have some kernel of truth to their argument - that they could actually win the argument. When they realize that their opinion on the matter one way or another no longer phases you, and that there is nothing for them to "win" there is really only one other place they can go. That's to become inwardly reflective and that leads to an internal argument that could actually lead to them changing their mind. After all, if you seem confident in your truth to a point where they can't seem to convince you otherwise - then they don't have a lot of other options aside from following your lead on the matter.

    You can't avoid feeling hurt, offended, or frustrated by their comments, opinions, and actions. However, you do have a choice in how you react to them, and almost always the best reaction is just to remind yourself that you know your truth, and the opinions of others don't matter. When you know and accept your truth, you can then begin to surround yourself by people who accept it and embrace you for who you are.

    I think this is a much more powerful position to be in, and it's certainly what I personally strive toward.
     
  3. wanderinggirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2013
    Messages:
    1,189
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Thanks Aldrick. I think you're right that a lot of these negative views I feel coming from others are really coming from within, and when I stop reminding myself that I respect myself, I slip back into believing that these negative perceptions of me come from others.