15 coming out to my straight love who's married

Hi.

I think we need to clarify what you're actually feeling and what your intentions are here.

I think I hear you saying that you have a friend who is 57 and straight, that you feel a strong connection with, and whom you want to tell that you're gay. That sounds like a sensible choice, if you have a reasonable sense that he'll be comfortable with your disclosure that you're gay.

Also, at 15, it is very common, particularly if you feel some sort of lacking in your own connection to your dad, to displace those feelings onto someone else, and sometimes those feelings look and feel like "love." It can get very confusing, particularly at your age, and particularly when you feel a strong connection to him.

Being realistic, for someone who is straight, and completely putting aside the various issues with being in love and feeling sexual attraction to someone 40+ years older than you, the possibility of having a romantic relationship with someone who's straight is pretty much nonexistent. Adding in the age difference, likely you run the risk of making your friend feel very uncomfortable.

I've had numerous people that I've spoken to and offered advice to who were around your age tell me they love me, and tell me that they want me to be their boyfriend. But I have the background and training to understand what's going on here, so it isn't really upsetting to me, because I understand that it's a displacement of feelings, so I'm able to just set very clear boundaries and explain what my role is, and why it could never be anything other than supportive and therapeutic, and will never be sexual. But someone who doesn't have that background may feel very uncomfortable with that sort of disclosure.

So in short, it's understandable why you have those feelings and it's not uncommon among people your age. And your best bet is to recognize it for what it most likely is... a longing for a sense of connection, rather than a genuine romantic love interest.

Assuming you feel it would be safe to come out to him, I would tread carefully and perhaps consider telling him that you really appreciate and value your connection and friendship to him, and want to share something very personal and vulnerable with him, and then tell him you're gay. I think (at least initially) I wouldn't go into anything about your stronger feelings. And then, depending on how he takes it, you may be able to share what you're feeling, but only if you're confident that both of you can keep a solid boundary where nothing will come of it, and that you're disclosing it for the purpose of helping him understand your struggle and helping you get past it, if that makes sense.