Last June, when I moved to this new city, I met a fantastic guy through a not-too-shabby website, and he was 24, funny, good in the bed, and handsome. He lied on his profession at first, because he wasn't sure if it would work out, since websites, well, they're websites. I kept discovering more about him, and the fact that he also lied about his age, and was 29. I consider myself a laid-back guy, and by then, I was already attached, which is probably playing against me in most cases. Nobody knows I am bisexual, with my job, I couldn't be, aside from very close friends, which few of them knows. So our we always met inconspicuously since he lives downtown, alone. By now, I want things to work, I am in love, and want a solid relationship. It's the first time I felt something this strong with the same sex. I invited him to parties and slowly integrated him in my social life, as a friend, obviously. Some of my smart friends realized what was going on, and came to me and explained to me that they will always support me. Which is absolutely great. Problem is: He his -absolutely- in the dark. Nobody knows he is gay, nobody knows about me, nobody knows anything. He is just a friendly single guy that likes to drink and have fun, but nothing more (obviously he is gay). All of his friends, for the most part, when to school with him, that is for the last 8 years. I think it is okay to assume they might know his sexual orientation, but also knows that he is very sensitive about this subject and doesn't want to talk about it. Bare with me here, I am not trying to build myself a cloud of ideas, but imagine going to school with a nice, handsome guy, for 8 years, and he has never dated a girl, neither flirted or did anything with a girl, and has always been alone. I know school was a big part of his life, but still, I would have assumptions that something is going on, without me knowing. About two weeks ago, as we casually met before I drove him to the airport, we encountered somebody he knows in the elevator. His friends asked him how he was getting to the airport and was offering him a ride. The whole 6 stories down to the underground parking was as if I was nobody. A perfect stranger. He told her he was driving there on his own. He didn't even say that I was his friend and I was driving him to the airport, no, nothing. I've talked with him because I felt like a piece of shit in that elevator, but he doesn't want to hear anything. He his completely reluctant to the idea of STARTING to include me in his life. To me, after 6 months, he could, perhaps not invite me where friends could ask me questions and therefore have doubts on why he his hanging out with somebody so young compare to him (Im 20), but at least, tell his friend in the elevator, that I am a friend, that will drive him to the airport, no questions asked. From there, the relation would grow, and after few months, invite me to a party(for example) and introduce me to the same girl as '' How you remember him he drove me to the airport''. And you meet people and you can see if they like your or not, and it goes on and on. In my logic, you have to get out of your comfort zone for a bit, and get used to it. What I mean is if he his not comfortable that people would meet me for X reasons, and you want me to be your husband if X years, you start at some point, by inviting me with his friends, and then you see (if it goes well) that his friends like me, and you get used to it, and like it ! The next step would as uncomfortable, but you will risk it, and usually the results are splendid ! Anyway, ALL OF THIS, :bang: , reflects my ultimate question, what can I do, when we already talked about him starting to include me in his life (He his gay, and wants to get married at some point, perhaps not with me, but whatever happens, he will need to be out) and I tried everything, and still after 6 months, not a single change has been done. Is it me that is asking too much ? (Bottom line here is just not treating me as a stranger in the elevator) I dont want to push him anymore, I will just push him away and destroy everything. Last time we talked about he said ''You stop asking for this or this is it'' :help:
Hey Noelinc1, welcome to EC! Your story is unique and not unique, there is a lot of pain when one partner is closeted, and it is very hard to maintain such relationships. Telling him what you want will likely not work, he somehow needs to feel what you are feeling so that he can get it. The only thing I can think of is to tell him in as much detail as possible how you felt. As in: when you did this, I felt like that. No need to accuse him of anything, just verbalize how you feel. Don't just focus on the bad feelings, focus also on the good things that he's doing, again no judgment, just relate what he did to how you felt. If you keep the conversation to your feelings, he may open up about what he feels about what you are doing but also about his fear of coming out, just ask open questions (steer clear of questions that will only give you a yes or a no). Listen very carefully to what he has to say about this.
I'm going to set aside all the stuff he lied about for the time being, as it isn't really relevant to your issue. Just so I understand your situation: You're in a relationship with another guy. You're both rather deep in the closet, but a few of your friends managed to figure things out and be very supportive. You've started to incorporate him into your life, but he hasn't done the same thing for you. Somewhere down the line he wants to come out of the closet, and even get married. I'm assuming that you'd like to imagine that he'd be marrying you, and not some other guy. You want him to begin making strives toward coming out of the closet, but he is completely resistant to it. Assuming I am summarizing your issue correctly, let me start by saying that this is always the risk of dating someone who is in the closet. Feeling the way you do, and the way you've been treated (as a complete stranger) is unfortunately common. However, let's stop focusing on him for a moment and focus on you. What do you want for yourself? You are also in the closet, aside from a few supportive friends who've figured out your relationship. What do you envision for your future, assuming your boyfriend wasn't an obstacle to getting there? What things about this situation do you have control over? Your boyfriend is an independent individual, and you have no control over him. If you try and force him out of the closet, even if things go very well for him, if he's not ready there will be resentment. Coming out of the closet is a personal journey, and it is best done at your own pace. It may be a reality that he may never feel comfortable with coming out and being open about his sexuality. That would be incredibly sad, but it's also completely possible. Would you be willing to accept that possibility? I think it's important that we meet the people we love where they are right now, and not where we'd like them to be. We can't force change onto other people, nor should we try... but we can take charge over our own lives and make decisions that are in our best interest and happiness. I don't think anyone can tell you what to do (though there are certainly some things you should not do - like forcing him to come out when he isn't ready). These are questions and problems that you're going to have to answer and solve for yourself. In the end, you're going to have to sit down and evaluate your relationship. You're going to have to ask: What do I want out of this relationship, and can it give me what I feel I need to be happy and fulfilled? When you know what you want, and you know whether you can get it (and if you can then how you can get it) - then the path forward for you starts to become more clear.
I suspect that "nobody knows he is gay" is somewhat an illusion your friend is comfortable with, rather than reality, but it is HIS version of reality, and one he still wants to retain. You are going to have to resign yourself to enjoying him as a secret personal "fuckbuddy" until either you get tired of maintaining his illusion for him, or his fear of being seen too often with you leads him to move on. Your friend needs to spend some time in therapy. Maybe you could persuade him to go that far to help your relationship develop; as a 20 year-old trying to advise a 29 year-old, you have a somewhat inferior negotiating position, and, there is a reason he is 29 years old, still in the closet, and set in his determination to remain there. If he is unwilling to get counseling, and you want a mutual relationship rather than a supporting actor role, you are probably going to have to move on yourself.
Thanks for all the feedback This guy works out of town, and is alone in a shitty small town. I go up and see him and take car of his condo downtown when he is away, which is 25 days a month. I read his Facebook messages, sorry but I didn't trust him, as I already know he slept with somebody else, but I forgive easily when I'm in love, and I discovered that he slept with a guy when he was on vacation a while ago, before we knew each other. They kept messaging each other on how they miss each other, and when he went on vacation last week, he emailed him and said it wasn't the same and the other guy said he remember his a*s. The guy I'm dating said he could come over and he would be his boyfriend anytime and that he would go on vacation again and do it all over again. I feel like shit, like I am a doll, being used until he is able to move on. I seriously, seriously want to not wake up. Seriously
