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Looking for advice

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Confused91, Dec 15, 2013.

  1. Confused91

    Regular Member

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    Hey,
    Just a warning that this will probably be really long as I have been wanting to get this off my chest for a while and would appreciate everyone's opinions.

    I am a 20 year old guy who has been looking at this page for quite a while and have been able to relate to a lot of it. This past year has been one of the hardest years of my life as I have been trying to figure out what I want and my sexuality etc. I often feel sad and lonely and have no one really to talk to all of this about. Hopefully you guys will be able to help me out a bit.

    I have always tried to convince myself that I am straight but have lately been more accepting of the fact that I might be gay. For the past 5 or so years I have watched gay porn and enjoyed it. I must admit that at first I felt really guilty but I have tried to watch straight porn and it doesn't really have the same affect on me. I am still a virgin so am worried that this is all happening because I haven't slept with a girl yet... I know that this is probably stupid reasoning but still.

    However, I have recently met another gay guy and have become good friends with him. We instantly hit it off and I felt like there was definitely something between us (extended eye contact and in my opinion flirting). He must have felt the same and approached me to chat. All we really did was chat and hold hands and stuff and then that was it. I never really told him anything but even today I still feel the tension between us and feel like I really like him. It is a bit awkward because we are in the same friendship group. I also feel that I may just be feeling this because he is the first guy to ever express any interest in me.

    I am really scared of coming out as I am scared of my parents reacting badly. My mum tries to say that she is ok with gay people but I can sense that she would not take it well. Dad on the other hand seems to be against it. He often makes comments such as "I'm not a homophobe, but seeing gay people kiss makes me sick" and stuff like that. I instantly feel awkward when topics such as gay marriage and stuff come up. I just don't think they would accept it and I am worried about what will happen. I think that I want to talk to my gay friend about all of this and come out to him. Do you guys think this is a good idea? He is the first guy that I have felt any sort of emotional and physical attraction to.

    Again, sorry about the length of this post. I just really needed to tell someone. :slight_smile:
     
  2. ninerw

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    Hey Confused91...welcome to EC!

    I totally get the mindset you are coming from. The fear that you have regarding being a virgin and defining your sexuality through sex hits home for me, and it is something I struggle with everyday. You've already done a courageous thing by coming here and talking about your struggles, and I say talk to your friend about them as well. The fact of the matter is you don't have to decide right away. By talking to him and opening up to him, you allow yourself to gain a support network to help and stand by you on this journey.

    As for your parents, mine say similar things. Inherently I believe their comments to be out of fear or ignorance, which it pretty typical. If they love you, they'll accept you, no matter who you love. And sometimes it's that swift kick in the pants from coming out that they need to recognize what love is and should look like.

    I hope this helps. I'm not out, except to a few people, and I feel like we share a lot of similar thoughts!
     
  3. Yossarian

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    It sounds to me like you have found someone to talk to about how you are feeling. If you have already been holding hands with him, I doubt you will be coming out to him; you already have unless he is pretty naive. Coming out to him in words, will open the discussion about how you feel; the only question that might be problematic is how you feel about each other. Saying that you are gay is one thing, something he already likely assumes. Saying what you think you feel about him is going to be a bit more awkward. Probably best to let that develop more slowly until you get a read on how he feels about you. Maybe you are feeling this because you feel he is attracted to you, but that is how attraction can work, and works best when there is mutual attraction rather than just one directional. I would say go ahead and see where this goes with him before using this as a reason to preemptively come out to your parents. You can do that when you are more sure of the need and know better how you feel; this relationship can help you figure out more exactly what your sexuality is.
     
  4. william123

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    Pretty much what ninerw said, in that you should not feel rushed, take your time, and utilize the supports you already have. Parents who say stuff like that, particularly your Dad, are just afraid. That's what homophobia is. It's a sickness, that unfortunately, a lot of people have. I think people in our parents' generation have it even more so.

    Good luck!