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Coming out to my mother didnt go well...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by KayTmayy, Dec 16, 2013.

  1. KayTmayy

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    so, the other day (before finding this wonderful site) i had sent my mother a text message telling her i was confused, and struggling with my gender identity. i didnt say anything like "mom, im a girl" i simply said i was confused, and more was asking for help than anything else. she quickly flew off the handle, said i was punishing her and am always looking for ways to ruin my life.. the conversation let to open up a lot of other things, like how she clearly doesnt respect me intellectually among other things. i had brought it up with her to begin with because i thought she was relatively understanding, always wanted me to talk to her, and keep an open dialogue, but this really hurt our relationship, with how she handled it. (i dont mean to complain, i know its still a major thing to talk about, but she really handled it poorly and said many things that really hurt me...) i was just wondering if anyone had any advice on how to help her come to terms with me questioning my feelings and trying to find who i really am, or if i should just work out my feelings first, and then come to her for help. as it stands now, she thinks i have just buried the feelings in order to keep the peace, but its not something i can just repress... its important to me and i need to sort it out, in order to feel truly happy.

    any help would be lovely... thanks strangers, take care <3 (sorry my forum posting format may be pretty disorganized, very new to this, and am still trying to get accustomed to it)
     
  2. BookDragon

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    OK first things first, I have to put this out there, but your mum can be supportive, but she's unlikely to be much help for you to find out who you are inside. That's not to say she CAN'T help you with it or should be left in the dark, but she, as with it seems almost all mothers, aren't exactly unbiased when it comes to this sort of thing.

    Personally I would work it out for yourself (with our help if you need it) but try and explain to her what you are thinking and feeling. I think one of the things my mum found most difficult to cope with was not knowing where this was all coming from and not understanding what how and why I felt the way I did.

    If you find yourself questioning, write down your thoughts and feelings and try and explore them. Just write it on anything, then try and write it up in a book or something, and tell your mum she can read the book if she wants. Obviously only put what you are comfortable with her reading and asking you about, but it might help. YOu don't HAVE to do that, but it's something to consider.

    If you need help figuring anything out, post away!
     
  3. KayTmayy

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    okay, thanks for your reply! i suppose you are right, finding myself is something that might be pretty hard for her to help me with, and it would be wrong for me to expect her to be able to look at the situation without having some emotions involved.

    when i tried to talk to her about helping her understand where i was coming from, she had said that she simply didnt want to understand. at the time, this was hard to hear, but looking back, it was a big thing to drop out of no where, and i should have been more understanding of her feelings.

    i definitely will try to work out my feelings more, write them down, keep them organized and such in order to not only help myself, but potentially help my mother understand and come to terms with my feelings.

    Thanks again ^.^
     
  4. BookDragon

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    "when i tried to talk to her about helping her understand where i was coming from, she had said that she simply didnt want to understand. at the time, this was hard to hear, but looking back, it was a big thing to drop out of no where, and i should have been more understanding of her feelings."

    Lesson one of finding yourself. Don't do THAT to yourself! It's emotional for her, but it's super emotional for you, don't start blaming yourself for not being quite as understanding as you could have been, it wonm't end well!

    You mum will be worried about a lot of things, but the main ones for the questioning stage seem to be:

    Is it her fault and
    Are you doing this just so you have some 'big problem' to distact you from doing something useful
     
  5. KayTmayy

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    both of those things are actually pretty much what she said to me at some point in our talk, so its reassuring to know that its normal...

    i just feel like everything is going so slowly... i can only see my therapist once a week, and sometimes i feel like that waiting is more painful than anything. but i definitely will push on and be strong. i want to help myself be happy, and if this will help me, than ill do whatever it takes to find myself.
     
  6. BookDragon

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    Well if there is anything we can do between your therapy sessions, just ask :slight_smile:
     
  7. KayTmayy

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    Thanks, i appreciate your help :slight_smile:
     
  8. Envira

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    I hate to say it, but I honestly don't think I'm experienced enough to offer any advice. Just wanted to say that in the end it'll all be okay, and that I love you.
     
  9. KayTmayy

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    thank you for your kind words, any positivity is always appreciated <3
     
  10. SongshiQuan

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    Hi, KayTmayy. I'm not trans*, but I know how having a mom react negatively to you coming out can be. I took my mom 4 years to stop referring to my sexuality negatively. It took another year after that for me to move on from some of the things she said to me. I think in the end, mothers just want to see their children happy. I can't offer you much advice in regards to being trans* but I can say that if it makes you happy, do it. Your mom will eventually come around after she sees her child doing better.
     
  11. KayTmayy

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    thanks for your advice :slight_smile: im sorry that you had to go through what you did, but im glad things are at least better ^.^

    i think if try to talk to my mom about it again, i will put an emphasis on it making me happy, and making my life better, and hopefully it will help her want to come to terms with how i feel.
     
  12. biggayguy

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    One thing to keep in mind is that you've been coming to terms with your sexuality for a long time. Your mum has been dealing with it for a shorter time. It does take a while to reach the stage of acceptance. The more confident you can be the more she will accept you.
     
  13. doglover44

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    What exactly do you wanna tell her ?
     
  14. KayTmayy

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    just that i think i want to start transitioning. it would be great if i could have some help with some of the major things like therapy, hormones etc. and i figured she would have wanted to know what i was feeling. :3