Hi. I guess I should just start... This is the first time I have ever admitted to anyone that I am having an agonizing time figuring out my sexuality. I am 19 and for my entire life have lived COMPLETELY straight. I'm VERY girly-girl. No one would ever suspect that I might be a lesbian. I started realizing that I was attracted to other women when I was around 13 or 14. I started getting curious about sex in general and from then on was attracted to both men and women. Since then I've had crushes on females teachers and gotten obsessed with female celebrities (and on some guy celebrities, too), but never really on friends, although I do think a lot of girls are pretty. In high school I never had a boyfriend, but blamed that on being painfully shy around guys and clamming up around them. I enjoyed going to dances and stuff with my groups of girlfriends, but was very happy to go to Junior Prom, etc. with a guy friend, even though I was not attracted to him at all. Mainly though, I preferred just going with my girlfriends and being silly and goofing off. I maintained a crush for four years on a guy who basically never knew I existed. When I started college this year, I got a major crush on a guy and was madly in lust with him for about three months before the whole thing fizzled out. I was frustrated that we never even kissed and he seemed hung up on his ex from high school. Still, he was all I would ever talk about. I made out with (and more...) for the first time (!!!) with a guy and enjoyed it, but at the same time I couldn't fully get into it because I was so worried I was doing everything wrong. Since the thought first popped into my head that I might be a lesbian I really haven't been able to let it go. I'll be okay for a few months, then hit a rough patch and become convinced for weeks (or more) at time where I can't sleep, eat, or function properly. My parents notice changed in my behavior and keep asking whats wrong. I guess I am just worried that I'm not as interested in guys as I should be at this age, and that this, in combination with my history, is a strong indication that I'm not straight. I'm in a rough patch right now. I just don't know what to do. I feel like coming out at this point would be kind of early considering I have NEVER had a sexual experience with a girl and honestly am terrified to even go there. I wouldn't even know where to meet a lesbian. I am so girly that the possibility is laughable...I am obsessed with clothes, shopping, American Idol, magazines, make-up, am in a sorority, etc. I enjoy "girl-talk" with my friends and I love obsessing over boys with them. I feel like none of them would believe me if I told them, but at the same time, I cannot hold this in. I feel like me coming out would destroy my entire life...I don't WANT my life to change, but this is getting so horrible to live in this secrecy, I know something has to. I know it would KILL my dad, who basically accepts gay people but makes a lot of homophobic remarks and comes from a very traditional family. I feel like I would be the gossip of the century since this would totally come out of left field. This sinking feeling is completely overwhelming me and making me unable to function. I'm thinking of talking to one of my gay guy friends...what do you guys think? Thanks for reading.
Yeah, talk to your friend.... it really helps to have people you can trust and confide in. In the past I dealt with a lot of the same sort of issues that you wrote, so you aren't alone. The people here are really supportive if you ever need them too
Hey citygal, You're in a confusing situation at the moment, but it really just sounds to me like you're jumping the gun, and labelling yourself without knowing what you are. Just because you feel anxious around guys doesn't make you gay or even socially insignificant. That's normal. Lots of people feel insecure around people of the opposite gender. This is completely normal. The first time I was with a guy I felt weird, and couldnt get into it - for most of the reasons you couldnt. It was your first time, a new experience for you, and you said youre a shy person. To me it seems like your interactions with this guy went quite well! On the other side of the spectrum - don't think that just because you don't fit the stereotypical classification of a lesbian (butch, manly girl) you can't be one. Stereotype: An exaggerated image of the characteristics of a particular group. A stereotype does not take into account individual traits and differences. I have a number of lesbian friends who are far from this stereotype. So don't let that influence your thinking. I suppose there isn't a lot I can say, except that I really think you need to explore your feelings further, and that there's a difference between "something feeling new/weird" to "something not feeling right". The difference is that eventually the "new/weird" feeling will go away, the "not right" feeling will stay around.
Thanks so much for the responses. I really appreciate the support---especially since this is the only place I can go for help at this point. This is so, so, so hard for me. I really want to tell someone about this, especially my mom, because we're extremely close. But is it wrong to put people, especially parents, through this horrendously stressful thing when you're not 100% sure? After reading through posts and thinking about the whole thing, I think there is a very good chance I'm a lesbian. Should I tell her when I'm home for summer? I feel like saying anything over the phone or writing a letter would be really creepy and wrong. At the same time, I cannot imagine saying to either of my parents "I'm a lesbian." It is a very icky-sounding word, and I hate the label. I might even be bi, who knows? Being bi seems so confusing. I just want to know who I am FOR SURE, and living as a bi person seems like it would be the most confusing lifestyle ever, more than being gay! Should I have some sort of lesbian experience to "make sure" before I start going about telling people? I am TERRIFIED to go there--I feel like I would sob through the whole thing, and maybe even be unable to go through with it because of guilt, shame, awkwardness, weirdness, out of comfort-zone-ness, etc! I actually feel like I might have a physical aversion because of how strange it would be for me. Have any of you felt this way? Are there any other girls (or guys) out there who were very non-stereotypically gay? For girls, very "typical" girly girl, or for guys, jock, quarterback, etc? I feel like my male counterpart would be if the star of the football team who dates the head cheerleader came out. How do you deal with this? Thanks again...I SO appreciate it.
Hey citygal, I'm 17 and have been out publicly (but not to my parents) for over two years, so I definitely know what you're going through. If you desperately need to talk to someone, I wouldn't advise going directly to your family first, especially since you said they tend to be more traditional. My advice would be to seek out support or LGBT youth groups in your area; college campuses typically have one, unless you're living in a deeply conservative region. I also don't feel that everyone needs a gay or lesbian "experience" to know for sure. I didn't. Take things at your own pace, and don't rush into situations that could have potentially disastrous repercussions later on. And if you run out of options where you're living, I'm sure the guys and gals at EC are more than willing to help you through this stressful situation. Although I found EC after I had come out, life still isn't all daisies and dandelions, so I find myself returning more and more often. About your last question... I'm not stereotypically gay, but I'm not a six-and-a-half-foot jock either. Most of my friends, however, were really surprised when they found out. I'm of an average build, though a little on the short side. And it's totally fine. I don't think that to be gay I have to speak any differently, walk any differently, or act any differently. I'm just who I am, and who I am likes guys (although apparently to my best friend I have really good taste in clothing... so maybe just a little? I honestly can't tell though, haha). I hope what I've said helps, and if you have any more questions about anything, don't hesitate to ask. Talking about it and educating yourself enough will hopefully make things a little less weird. -Trac
Hi citygal - and welcome to EC:smilewave It really sounds to me as if you are unsure of your sexuality. "I started realizing that I was attracted to other women when I was around 13 or 14. I started getting curious about sex in general and from then on was attracted to both men and women. Since then I've had crushes on females teachers and gotten obsessed with female celebrities (and on some guy celebrities, too)" "I got a major crush on a guy and was madly in lust with him" - Not everyone fits into the "box" of being hetero or gay. Don't worry about it. I'd suggest you just interact with ALL of your friends. You might find that, on occasions, your preference for company (and possibly sexual thoughts) might be male - and at other times it might be female. Well - I have news for you - if you are bisexual - this is totally normal. Don't restrict yourself according to the "labels" that society sees fit to bestow upon people. Live life on your own terms. Hang with the people who give you the most enjoyment - and with whom you have the greatest connection.. If that should happen to move from female - to male - and back again - well, so be it. Admittedly, this is much easier if you live in a societythat is accepting of diversity.I don't know where you are - but I hope that it is somewhere that fits that description. Good luck!
Your comment about being "the gossip of the century" made me laugh. My daughter recently eloped with her boyfriend whom we have never met. My gay son said it was rather "nice" not being the center of attention! LOL Seriously though, you never know how your family will react. My Dad was the most homophobic bigot in the world and even he has come around! Becky Proud Mom of a Gay Son and Two Straight Daughters
