I was thinking today about why I don't like being out of the closet around straight people. Whenever a straight person finds out / figures out that I am gay, I feel like I have a target painted on my back. At the least I would be a victim of hate and disdain. Or at worst, attacked violently. So I always feel self-conscious and threatened if a straight person knows that I am gay. Though these things have never happened, I'm still fearful. At times I wonder if this fear is because of media portrayals (gay characters drop like flies in mainstream Hollywood films). I thought about what has happened when straight people found out I was gay. Here are a few examples. - When I was in college (about 23 years ago) some people in a class thought I was gay. Though nobody threatened me or beat me up, two casual acquaintances in that class avoided me for the rest of the semester. One got over it about a year later and started talking to me again (though he never brought up the gay thing). The other made some comment just before graduation that implied he thought I was gay and needed to figure out my issues. - About 14 years ago, I walked into a room right as a co-worker was telling another one that he thought someone was gay. That someone may have been *me*, as he hushed up real quick when I came in. Then a couple weeks later, that same co-worker went out of his way to mention some story on NPR about gay marriage a couple weeks later. I didn't come out and just let the whole thing drop. - Last year, I was 'outed' to a co-worker by an ex's friends. This co-worker already was suspicious of me being gay, as he kept asking questions about if/when I was going to get married (to a woman). After his friends 'outed' me about two weeks later, the co-worker (at least on the surface) demonstrated a supportive attitude toward gays. But then I was passed over for a promotion (it went to that co-worker instead). And then my new boss didn't like me and started taking actions to get me fired. I quickly lined up another job and bailed. Now, even 6 months later, I am still very angry / resentful about the situation.
You need to move out of target range, maybe to New York, San Francisco, or some other place where being gay is not such an exception.
I actually live in a metro area with about 3.5 million people. There is a gayborhood (though I don't live there currently). At times I've thought about saying "screw it" and moving to NYC or SF, but not everyone thrives in such dense, high-cost ($3K-$5K/month for a tiny apartment), urbanized environments. I'm much more accustomed to a suburban feel (despite the comparative lack of gay people around). I suspect that at least some of this insecure / targeted feeling is coming from within me. Anyone find that something in their thought processes changed?
No, you're fine. Most metros with 3.5 million are fairly accepting, though you have experienced some less than optimal things. Let me tell you that the gossip grapevine would also exist in NYC or SF. However, a liberal employer in a 3.5 in the heartland might go better than a staid employer in a 3.5 on the coasts. Just saying. If I may say so, you seem to be sensitive to negativity and how people perceive your sexuality. I can be as well, so I'm not calling you on it, but telling you I know how it feels since I feel like "Hey, I only go to school with you or work with you for 40 hours, so stay the fuck out of my personal life. Furthermore, there is no one in my personal life, so there's no need to pry further." The gayborhoods aren't my thing, and wouldn't have been at 27. Seeing the meat market mentality and constant perusal in terms of Starbucks window shopping (from the inside, mostly) would get annoying fast. It's nice to live in a non-gayborhood so you can go to the store and get gas without having to check anyone out, be checked out, or watch everyone "in heat" 24/7. As for the school and work thing, what is it that makes you think people suspect? Is it the combination of age and marital status, or is other things as well? Regardless, people who make it their job to make other people uncomfortable are A-1 jerks and they are the ones with the problem. Unfortunately, it impacts you. It has impacted me. I'm fairly private.
