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Pressure & self-destructive thoughts

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by nyx, Dec 19, 2013.

  1. nyx

    nyx
    Regular Member

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    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I'm having a big struggle accepting myself as queer.

    The pressure is coming from inside and out; there's nowhere to run from it. I'm experiencing elevated anxiety, depersonalization, loss of appetite, and sleep disturbances as a result. In some ways, an entirely new problem of its own. I'm tired and afraid and ashamed and alone; angry and somewhat disgusted with myself. I feel as if I just want to shut down and disappear.

    There aren't many queer women or LGBT groups around here, my dating life has been empty, and my surroundings are pretty anti-gay. Deep down I want to be with a woman so badly.

    I know I deserve to be happy, but it's tough when being happy is "also known as" being bad and wrong. My health is literally suffering. I can only talk to one person about this and it's not fair to dump all this negative energy onto them so much, especially in this season.

    I need and want to work through this. What should I do? Where can I start? Can anyone help me?
     
  2. BookDragon

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    "There aren't many queer women or LGBT groups around here, my dating life has been empty, and my surroundings are pretty anti-gay. Deep down I want to be with a woman so badly."

    God I know that feeling. I hate sitting around thinking that I would pretty much take almost anyone right now just to have a boyfriend (even though I know I wouldn't be happy).

    For a start, I would try and take a look at these feelings of shame and disgust. Where are they coming from?
     
  3. nyx

    nyx
    Regular Member

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    It's nice to know someone gets it!

    Shame: the lack of control? I can't stop my longing for women and I can't control when I'm attracted to one. The feelings are strong and persistent. Being unable to control them feels like a character failing -- like I could "correct" this issue if I were just good and strong enough. I keep asking myself why isn't this happening to anyone else I know?

    The disgust may be a mix of internalized homophobia and religious conditioning about sex in general. It's definitely worth examining cross-contextually. I do know that there is a big shock about being a young woman who wants and looks at other women like a (heterosexual) man does. I step outside of myself there -- I almost can't believe it's really me who is that way. When I try to own it, I automatically feel disgust about myself...

    Many thanks for prompting this introspection.

    I've come out before and was driven back into the closet by the negative reception. Now I just want to be able to be out to myself, you know? Does it really get better for everyone? I want to believe so.