1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Coming out as trans

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jojo1189, Dec 20, 2013.

  1. Jojo1189

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2013
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dublin, Ireland
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Okay, so in light of recent events in my life, I've felt sure that I am trans. And after Christmas, around February time, I want to come out. And I need some help. A bit of background.
    • I'm fourteen
    • My parents are fairly open minded people
    • I'm an only child, so no backup siblings
    • I have a trans* friend who will back me up if I ask
    • I came out as bisexual and my parents think I'm too young to know
    I was thinking of sitting my mum down with my friend and I and having a powerpoint presentation with added humour to show her so she feels less.. I dunno, depressed, about the whole thing.
    Any tips? Anyone know what stupid questions parents might ask?
     
  2. phoebe

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2013
    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Adelaide, Australia
    Hi, I am your too so I know what it feels like! If you sit your parents down and have that daunting talk with them and tell them exactly how you feel. They may come 'round to the idea and as they are your parents they should accept you. H
     
  3. phoebe

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2013
    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Adelaide, Australia
    here are some stupid questions or outbursts they might have
    Are you sure?
    Does that mean you want to be a girl?
    but your a boy!
    do you still want a penis?
    are you asking for boobs?
    does anyone else now?
    is this a phase?
    o...k?
    Whats transgender?
    are you still Bisexual?
    hope this helped!
     
  4. Nick07

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2013
    Messages:
    2,637
    Likes Received:
    0
    If you are looking for acceptation and understanding it's quite rude to openly expect "stupid questions". You are putting yourself onto higher level than your parents, where you don't belong. Understand, your parents don't HAVE TO accept you. Be grateful that they were understanding when you came out as bi.

    Also, I don't think you should come out with your friend in the room. It can be emotional for your parents and by placing your friend in the middle you make it impossible for them to express what they will feel. It's like breaking up with someone in a restaurant - because you fear that they will make a scene.

    No matter if your mother will be sad or extremely touched and happy, there is no place for a stranger in this situation.
     
  5. BookDragon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2013
    Messages:
    4,605
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I half agree with Nick, and half with phoebe. Personally, it's not so much that I would 'expect' stupid questions, it would be that I would want to be prepared for statements and questions that come from a place they have little knowledge of. "But only freaks do that" is a stupid thing to say to someone coming out trans, but it came from my mum because she seemed to be only aware of really bad cross-dressers and assumed it was the same.

    Don't assume you will get stupid questions, but definitely assume you will have a hell of a lot to answer to.

    I completely agree with Nick when he says don't take a friend. On the one hand, moral support for you, but on the other, not then kind of thing your mum will want. By all means have them around the house for you or something, but don't bring them into it.

    There is a good chance, your mum will cry or get cross. My mum may piss me off to all hell, but I've learned a lot from her about how she took the news and it makes a lot of sense (or at least it makes a KIND of sense).

    So things you can do to make it easier.

    Know what you NEED to tell her.
    We could break this down, but realistically it is simple. You need to tell her 2 things.
    1. You are trans
    2. Acting on this (transitioning or whatever) is a GOOD THING
    I cannot stress that last part enough. You need her to understand that while it isn't an ideal situation, it is not one that you can just 'cure' by taking therapy or some sort of pill. More importantly, is that is does not NEED a cure. It's who you are inside. Make her understand that while it will be difficult and it will probably seem worse before it seems better, it is something you need to do.

    Choose your words
    I'm not saying write a speech, but then you wanted to do a power-point presentation so I don't know, maybe that would appeal to you. One way or the other you need to choose your words carefully. Unfortunately (and this might sound harsh initially but bare with me) this is not like coming out as bi or gay. It just isn't. Coming out as a certain sexuality can be hard, but at least at some point you can get some sort of proof independently. If you have a partner and are happy it's harder to argue with. With gender, well, that's a different story, mainly because it WILL get worse, and if they let you get on with it they will expect to see an improvement. My mum for example expects FAR more happiness from me than I am able to give. You need to make sure that you have picked your words carefully. You CANNOT show doubt. You MUST show that you've thought it through. You must make CERTAIN that she understands that this is a gradual change, and you aren't going to be perfectly happy all at once!!

    INFORMATION
    This one actually seems to take a back seat at the time but believe me, you want it prepared just in case. Chances are, no matter how she takes the news, your not going to get much of an opportunity to really go into detail about what all this means. HOWEVER, it is SO useful to have information to hand, things like statistics, just to prove you're not the only one, support websites for parents, explanations of the various terms...all the things you've had to look at in coming to terms with it, you need to have for whoever you tell even if you don't get chance to give it to them.

    There is probably more, but the most important thing is to be honest. Honest and confident. This isn't one of those times when you can let mum have the last word. You know how you feel and she doesn't in the end.

    Good luck!