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Depression (is it?)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Miaplacidus, Jun 21, 2008.

  1. Miaplacidus

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    I know that many people here think I'm a whiner, that my problems are not too bad and/or invented by me as a way to direct attention to myself. Know that I'm naturally shy. If you're one of those, please don't keep reading. I don't want to make you waste your time.

    If you don't think someone can be sad all the time, I am the (so far) living proof of that. I'll try to make this short because I am aware that no one takes the time to read those War-and-Peace-by-Tolstoi-like threads which are sometimes seen in Support and Advice.

    So, the problem is that I am always sad. And I mean all the f***ing time. I always feel like crying, or hitting my head against the wall, or hurting myself, or killing myself when it's really bad.

    I'm seeing the very few friends I have get mad at me and go away because I'm sad. They say they try to help me but that I won't listen, and that pisses them off. I've just lost someone I really liked a lot, a guy I have kind of a crush on doesn't like talking to me because I'm depressing, etc.

    I've traced most of my problems to a single source, which is:

    I HATE MYSELF.

    And with "I hate myself" I mean that I spend a lot of time trying to figure out a way to hurt myself. I think I'm the worst crap in the world. Most of the time when bad things happen to me, I get sad and cry, but inside I know that I deserve what I get because I'm horrible. I just scratched myself all over in the middle of a crisis after losing a friend. I feel really guilty and really bad because I wasn't good enough of a friend, I couldn't listen, I just cried and repeated that I sucked and that I was horrible in a mantra-like way. What can I say, it IS the truth, it is deeply burnt into me.

    Since I was little people said, in one way or another, that I was bad. As a little boy I was very smart but little more. Having grown up in the exclusive company of adults, I was very shy and felt really out of place with other kids. I was scolded countless times because of my weird behavior, not to mention that the other kids thought I was a freak... in fact, some adults thought I was a little freak too.

    Then I grew up and it only got worse. I was openly called a freak and all, people would tell me all the time that I was ugly and disgusting, that no one would ever want to be near me. Girls would try to get close to me to make fun of me after, and everyone would exclude me from everything except when they needed help with something. Then I would listen, but as soon as they felt better they would be the same again.

    I was very lonely and this guy showed up. We were friends, supposedly, then it became sexual. He wouldn't touch me a lot - when he did he seemed to enjoy hurting me. Most of the time I made him feel good... he wouldn't even say a word. I took what I got and would hug him while he stood there limply, I'd kiss him and he wouldn't do anything at all, he wouldn't move, he was totally inanimate. But it was better than nothing at all. I felt horrible because I didn't seem to be good enough for him. The general pattern has continued up to this day... I'll have sex with anyone who's willing to hug me and show me just a little affection, which makes me no better than a whore.

    Sometimes guys tell me I'm great, or hot. I'm like "whatever, I don't believe it". And I probably never will. I see myself as horrible in all aspects, as very ugly too, I don't see how someone would find this freakish body hot. Personally I look at my own pictures and feel sick.

    I'm crying. I can't even continue writing. I have the overwhelming desire to hurt myself, or kill myself, but I can't think of a painless way to die. I'm desperate. I want it all to end.
     
  2. Trumpetplyer23

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    Hey, here's one of the things to remember about depression. You are not alone. There are people out there, struggling with the same things you're struggling with.

    Most importantly, if you start to have suicidal/self-hurting thoughts, it's time to get some help. This doesn't neccessarily mean medication, though. The medication is only prescribed to those with what is called 'clinical depression'. Clinical depression is caused by a chemical imbalancement, which is what the medication fixes.

    Any type of depression shouldn't be ignored, clinical or not. You can talk to a conselour, therapist, and there's even hotlines. Suicide prevention hotlines. They operate 24 hours, 7 days a week (even on holidays). You can call them, talk about your problems and they will help you.

    Fred, seriously, I'm not a conselour, or a doctor or anything, but I know a bit about depression. I've almost lost friends to suicide, more than once, and I don't want to lose anyone to suicide, even if I've never met you in real life. We've never really talked on this site, but from your other posts, I see that you are very intelligent and funny.

    But I urge you, to get help, even if it is just calling one of the hotlines I've mentioned. Conselours can be pricy, but honestly, your mental (and physical) health is more important that a doctor bill.

    And if you can't work up the courage to do it yourself, tell someone you trust, like your mom or a friend. Also, remember, suicide is never the answer, never the question, never the solution to the question.

    We're here for you. PM me if you ever need to talk. I'll help the best I can, but like I've said before, I'm not a conselour, or a doctor, or anything. I'm not a substitute. I hope you feel better soon (*hug*)
     
  3. Miaplacidus

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    There aren't any such help lines here. This is the third world.

    I feel somewhat worse now. I have kind of a crush on this guy... I asked him if he found me hot, and he found a way not to say I wasn't without saying I was (which made me feel crappy even though I had asked for sincerity) Then I kinda dragged it on till he got pissed off and left me alone too.

    I'll try my best not to contact him again as I'm always the one who talks to him first... he never addresses me directly unless I talk to him first. My mistake for liking him a little too much. :frowning2:
     
  4. Trumpetplyer23

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    My advice about that guy, just like you stated in the last paragraph, I wouldn't talk to him unless he talks to you first. You don't need people like that in your life.

    As for how you feel. This is definately depression. I missed this in my first post...sorry. Any kind of intense feeling of sadness for an extended period of time is considered depression, especially if thoughts of suicide or self-mutilation are involved.

    Since there are no help lines, talk to someone you trust. Not just friends, most of them can't help you very much. Talk to (if you go to one) your doctor, your mother, etc. Even if your mother isn't a mental health professional, she cares about you alot. She is your mother, she'll do just about anything to make sure you're okay.

    As for telling your doctor, he/she might be able to give you some information about depression or even numbers to professionals that could help you. Do you know if there are any support groups that you could go to for help?
     
  5. darkestknight

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    Hi,

    Depression really sucks y'see? As for that, I once had depression too, almost in the stage that I almost wanted to take anti-depressants. Until now, I still have a little bit of depression, but not enough to take me down. I still felt that I was useless on certain times too. However, I managed to talk to my friends if I begin to feel uncomfortable with my own blues.

    Your situation could be *almost* similar to that of mine, but in a different kind of scenario. Let me tell you a story.

    When I was younger, I often got bullied at school. I could say that I wasn't physically bullied that much, but I was verbally bullied. Coming from the elementary school in a rich people's estate (or housing estate) isn't helping at all - many of the (rich) students there look down on suburbia people (like me). Yes, I was rejected and kicked out from many clubs because I was incompetent, and most of the time, folks there would compare me with my brother. (My brother studied in my same school, but he was a bright student, and often got the top position in every year he studied, except year 6). Again, yes, I seriously sucked in sports, I tumbled, I faltered, I messed up every moment, and my parents' expectation were extremely unrealistic at that time. They had wanted me to be comparable with my brother, and they had all wanted me to become exact copy like him. He was also good in studies, and good in sports and some extra curricular activities - that had made him an all rounder. Sometimes I was jealous of him, and we usually fought and argued about trivial matters.

    On top of that, my parents often hit me - , almost countless times, at once when I was 9, I told my father a lie and I got a serious whoop-ass from him with a cane. That wasn't too painful, but he did not do it in a proper manner - he did it in his rage and emotions. Other than that, they managed to surpress many of my interests. He said that only studies and sports are useful to me and had made me functional. Almost all of my childhood years had gone, because of that. My pa had been very impatient towards me and that was why he hit me even with my proper explaination.

    My elementary school years was all horror to me. Almost nothing meaningful there I could remember. If I have to tell everything, it could be pages long, like an unabridged version of Monte Cristo story. I was being verbally bullied, I was slapped, I was ... whatever. All wasn't worth it because I did the most minor thing in school. In the end, I was a very timid, and a pessimistic person. To add oil to fire, I came from a 3rd world country where many issues exist such as racism exist and it was depressing. That was why, I never liked going to school.

    My secondary school years improved, but in the end, it went downhill afterwards when I reached year 11 to year 13. It was the worst thing ever. I did ok in O-Levels, but almost screwed up in A-Levels. It sucked then - and worst of all, enterances to Local University is almost impossible, because of a 'specific quota' applied in this country. And, I failed to enter the local uni, caused me to miss one intake in a private uni and I fell deep down to the depression valley. I had wanted to kill myself, or to kill, and everything went just out of my life. (I have skipped many stories - it was painfully long there)

    Fortunately, I begin to did whatever things I liked - like building computers and learning electronics, something I did back when I was 11. I didn't get a job because that problem held me back seriously, and even if I did, I might get fired. (Yes - I did worked, but only one day).

    And on 2007 - my life began to improve. I entered a private university with my fave course and I am OK now. But, I have many issues there too, and I have to learn how to cope up. It was the beginning, I swear! :grin:






    If you need to talk, just PM me. I went thru almost all these shit before, I know. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Miaplacidus

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    My mother? She is more like the CAUSE of a big part of my problems... she isn't accepting at all. I've tried to talk to her but she just blames everything on me, she says that it's my fault and sometimes that I deserve it.

    I don't have enough confidence with my doctor. I'm sure he's a closeted gay btw...
     
  7. Trumpetplyer23

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    Sorry about your mom...I didn't know. But seriously, tell someone you trust, since you can't tell your mother, because, as darkestknight said 'depression sucks'.

    As for the urge to hurt yourself, I believe there's a thread around here about what to do if you have those urges, healthy ways to deal with stress, pain, etc. I think xxAngelOnFirexx posted it.

    Another important thing about depression. It is never YOUR FAULT, ever. Even if you feel it is, it truly isn't. No one deserves to feel like they think death is the only way out. I want you to keep this in mind.

    Is there anyone you feel comfortable talking with?
     
  8. Miaplacidus

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    Lost the third friend in the last 12 hours. He said I was a self-absorbed pity whore. I did really appreciate him.

    *is even sadder*
     
  9. Mirko

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    Hi Fred,

    I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. There are better days ahead. Trust me!

    I do not think that there is anyone here at EC that things you are whiner and that you just post your problems to get attention. Never ever think that. We are all here to help you. If you need to post a long post (even the length of War and Peace) do that! I will read it.

    I think the best way to start in changing how you feel is by starting to love yourself for who you are. Try getting your mind off the destructive path that you are on. Start thinking positively about yourself. You are not ugly and disgusting. Every person has great qualities that they can be proud of. Every person makes their own contributions. Stay positive as much as you can. Keep telling yourself, that you are a great person and that you like yourself for who you are. To get your mind off the feelings that you are experiencing try doing things that you love doing. Take comfort in the things that will make you happy.

    You need to see someone about your depression. If you don't have enough confidence in the doctor that you are seeing right now, try finding another one. Don't leave your feelings inside of you. Talk about them. Hurting yourself is not the answer and never will be. Never give up on yourself. Life is full of road blocks and hurdles. But once you are through them you will be stronger as a result. One day you will look back and say "hey I've made it".

    People who have left you hanging, don't contact them. There are other better people out there who will value you and listen to you. Try to get to know people as much as you can. You need a supportive group around you. It is never to late to make new friends.

    If you want to talk more about it or if you just want to say something, feel free to pm me at any time.

    I hope this helps!
     
    #9 Mirko, Jun 21, 2008
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2008
  10. Stargate

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    I have been diagnoised with severe melecoly clinical depression with paraniod tendencies. From dealing with my doctors and phycologists yeah it sounds like you have classic depression, and if its gone on for a while like it sounds like than it would be catagorized as severe.

    Asteriod makes the comments above to be positive and not let things inside you. Overall it dosent work. Primarly because depression is a hormonal imbalance in the brain. Wishing that one is happy does not make it so. My advice is to go a doctor or call a phyciatrist, maybe your school has one? and ask for an emergency phycological evaulation. Take it from me, it dosent get better until you get some help, in the form of modern medicine. It you have any questions about depression as I spent several months battling it dont hesitate to ask

    -Jonathan
     
  11. Miaplacidus

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    I told my mother a few things... and about therapy. For once she acknowledged that I'm not faking it nor trying to call people's attention, but she complained about money nevertheless.

    I'll contact a therapist/sexologist I know. I probably won't be able to afford it though...
     
  12. Zenage

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    Talk to friends and family. You need help.
     
  13. paint

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    I hope that you can see the potential that you have, man. You're smart, witty, and strong, and those characteristics can not be underestimated. Your posts themselves are proof, you have that double-edged ability to peer into yourself- into your mind and you pass judgement based on what you see or think you see. What if you turned that power outwards? Make your own path. ...you'll see how much you are really needed.

    Here's a hug(*hug*) If I was down there I would give you a real one. No one here will ever give up hope, so don't you give up on yourself. We're waiting to see Fred, the great leader and humble friend, make a difference.



    and PS (you thinking you're ugly is utter crap- you are very much handsome, man.:icon_bigg
     
  14. Vampyrecat

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    Fred. How many times have we talked about this? (*hug*)

    You need to see someone. This extended feeling of depression is only getting worse and worse and I'd hate it if you killed yourself because you hate yourself and because you think everyone hates you.

    Maybe you do hate yourself. The real question is WHY do you hate yourself? All those little things that you mentioned, they do add up to make one big ball of self hatred and selfconciousness, but I cannot believe you hate yourself because people tell you that you're bad. You're NOT bad, nor are you a bad person. You're very lonely, yes, and maybe you ARE a little strange, I wouldn't know because I've never met you.
    But you know what I always like to tell people when they call me a freak? "I'm simply embracing myself as I am. If you can't handle that, then you're really not worth my time."
    Even if you don't believe in yourself or feel you deserve all this bad shit which happens to you, if you can say that sort of thing when people hurt you, then little by little you'll become a stronger person.

    When I was a wee little lass. Actually, it wasn't that long ago. More like.... 18 months ago, I was even more excruciatingly shy then I am now. I was the girl who would look at the floor instead of people's faces and I believed that everything going wrong in my life was somehow my fault. I deserved it, I made it happen by fucking up. Yes. I had somehow fucked up my whole life and that was why I was bullied and scared and sad and lonely and depressed all the time.
    But then I sort of realised, it wasn't that I was screwing up, it was that I hadn't found my inner strength yet. We all have our own inner strengths. And when I found mine, boy oh boy did I change. I wore colours. I smiled at people and went and auditioned for a musical and I got a leading role. I made friends. I could look at people and talk to them without looking around for an exit. I made myself stand up for what I believe in. And that is why, you are reading my response.

    Because I believe in YOU. I believe that all people have their own inner strength. And you may still need to find yours, but it's THERE. It's in you, waiting to blossom, to let everyone see what a lovely, caring, nice, funny guy you are. And I'm gay, but I still think you are a good looking guy. I think you'd look even nicer if you smiled. You know why people say they're attracted to smiley people? Because Smiley people just oooooze with love and kindness and happiness, even if they aren't always feeling loving and kind and happy.
    You see what I mean? Even if you just smile at someone, you'll be spreading the bug. Smiling is catchy. Me and my friends do this all the time. Walk down the corridor of your University. Smile at someone. A complete random. They may look surprised or weirded out but they will almost always smile! :grin:

    I really am glad you're going to see someone. Your mental health is more important then a doctor's bill, as was said above. If you ever need to talk to someone, feel free to email me at Tessatemptyclosetsdotcom, okay?

    (*hug*) I hope this helps.
     
  15. MeskElil

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    Well, this does sound pretty bad, but honestly it isn't unfamiliar to me.
    I have been through some shit, too. And it was because of a boy *rolls eyes* who I still see every day and can't get over, as well as some crap from my mom. It's hard. I know it's hard. I've been there (and I'm still there).
    I would definitely say get professional help, but I'm sure you've heard that all before.
    I also say that you aren't alone, you are among friends and other people have experienced the exact same thing.
    I've felt like killing myself 4 times now. I nearly did once, on my birthday last year. I was in the process of plugging up my bathtub drain when I thought of...everyone. Think about all the people who would be sad to see you go. I know, at first, you think, "Oh, no one...no one would be sad if I died..." because that's what I thought. But then, picture yourself being dead, and everyone's reactions. Don't kid yourself. They won't be saying, "Oh, thank GOD." No. They won't. Just picture it.
    Because people would miss you. I guarantee it.
    So don't go the suicide route. It's just a bad way to go.
    My second step was to channel my ill-will toward myself. I write poetry. It's dark, and some might say horribly emo, but it's they way I feel. I know it's not very good, but I don't care. To get what's in my head written down on paper with beautiful/horrible imagery just makes me feel better. Because now it's out of me. It's on the paper. It's somewhere else.
    If you're Christian (I'm not sure if you are, I can't remember) I recommend listening to Christian music. I know, it sounds cheesy. And it might be. But believe me, it helps. I listen to Hillsong United, because their songs are all about God's love. And listening to them will show you that you are loved, no matter how much you think you aren't. Even if you aren't Christian, the basic message is that the supreme being or entity of the cosmos or whatever higher power there is cares about you personally.
    It helps.
    All of these pieces of advice I offer from experience. I do recommend going to see someone about it if you can, because maybe medication will help get you back on your feet. But if you slip back again, those are my pieces of advice to help keep you from sinking again.
    I hope this helps...and remember that we're all here for you.
     
  16. Hoppip

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    Replace "have sex with" with "like and date," and I'm in the same boat.

    As much as I'd like to say that I've been depressed before and I completely know how you feel, I can't. I have been depressed, severely, but it was a different type of depression. I know it sucks having to wake up everyday. I know it blows having to listen to people, and walk around, and have 1,000,000 things to do. And it sucks the most when people don't give you the attention you really want.

    I just want to personally apologize if I've ever made you felt like a whiner or a complainer. Me, I complain 24/7 to my friends. I love it, it's like talk therapy. But it only works if you're willing to listen to them. Complaining isn't so bad, it's when the person WON'T take advice when it's given.

    The people here at EC, the ones that matter, they love you. EC is a community, after all.

    Everyone needs to feel needed, I know. Think about Full Spectrum - where would we be without you? What about all the newbies at EC who need someone to guide them? All the questioning folks who need a helping hand? It's because of YOU that they have a home.

    If it's too expensive to find a therapist, find someone to confide in. Wake up early, go outside more. I personally thought the whole "going outside and getting exercise to cure depression" was absolute b.s. until I tried it. It worked for me.

    And if you're worried about your physical looks, then lemme tell you this: you have a beautiful face. Your brown eyes are amazing. And if you're worried about your body, then work out!

    (That'll give you exercise, too. Killing two birds with one stone, eh?)

    If you ever wanna talk, EC is here. If you ever wanna talk, I am here. I give you my promise.
     
  17. Mirko

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    Hi Frederick! I am glad that you have decided to get help. What about someone at your school/university? Wouldn't they have a counselor or psychologist who could help you as well? You are on the right path. I am hoping that your parents will also be of more help to you in battling your depression in the future.

    Start believing in yourself and in the things you do. We all believe in you. Never give up on life. Life is full of promises and of great things to come. One day you are going to look back and you are going to realize that you have made it.

    We are all different. But it is this difference that makes us who we are. Always be yourself.
     
  18. n1ck

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    Fred,

    Sorry to hear that you're suffering from the grips of depression so deeply.

    I hope that things get better for you soon and that you start appreciating the many qualities that we all know you have.
     
  19. Miaplacidus

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    Well I just e-mailed these therapists at www.generoydiversidad.org (if anyone knows Spanish check that out)... I asked them if they had one on one therapy sessions and the price of them... it will be expensive... :frowning2: but I'll find a way I guess...
     
  20. Vampyrecat

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    Thank you for doing that Fred. Is it possible that your mother would be able to pay for some of the sessions?
    Do you have a job where you could get extra hours to pay for the sessions? Nothing is more important then you seeing someone Fred, and I'm really pleased you took this step.