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gay husband

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by berta, Mar 17, 2007.

  1. berta

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    I don't know if this is the right forum but how do I help my husband be who he is? My husband and I have been married for 25 yrs and I know he is gay. He is always on porn and collects his dvds but he is depressed. He says he's to old [he just turned fifty] and dosen't know where he would go to meet anybody. I told him to use the internet. He always tells me to shutup about it. He knows that I accept him and have always been supportive of him. I don't know what to do.
     
  2. Proud1p4

    Proud1p4 Guest

    Well first off i believe there is another member here who is 38, gay and closeted to his wife, even though he thinks she knows. Username: spydar. Maybe exchanging personal messages with him may help you understand what your husbands mind set is so you can get past his defenses and get through to him.

    Secondly, im sorry this marriage had to be fraudulent for you, and that your husband is resistant to fully accept who he is (and in turn find a loving partner, allowing you to do the same).

    All i can say to you is what i have said to spydar. Although EC hosts a cornucopia of people, ranging in age and expierence. Nothing is better in these highly serious type situations than a mental health professional. Although to some going to see a psycotherapist is frightening, this situation you have i think is very important as it puts both of you in a gutter, probably for the rest of your lives. Neither of you deserve that.

    Maybe your stay at EC and other members who respond will be enough to get you the means to get through to your husband, but if not. Please, seek professional help.

    And if anything, constantly remind your husband that there are people his age whom he can date and would be happy to date him. Also, and this is important, if you husband ever tells you to shut up...as mean as it sounds, it really isn't, to remind him it is he who lied and put you in this situation. Therefore it is his mess to clean up.

    While i have sympathy for your husband, lying and marrying you was wrong. He had no right to tie you to a unfulfilling marriage. And even after he has made his sexuality known, expect you to live the rest of your life keeping his lie.

    Finally, if he refuses to do what i have suggested in the above two stanzas. Then i think he leaves you no choice but to divorce him, and allow him to fend for himself. It is very noble of you to want to protect his secret, but you do not deserve to live in a marriage that was only meant, to hide who he is. You deserve a husband who marries you because he loves you. And i hope you would want at least that for yourself.
     
  3. berta

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    Thank you, I appreciate what you said. I have tried to get him to go to a therapist but he says that he knows what he is and I need to get over it and just deal. I try to for the sake of my son who is 17 yrs old. But I would like to be honest and tell him and just get on with our lives. My husband says that he still loves me very much but he is very reserved and he is always on gay porn. I told him what you said about the fact that there are other men out there that would find him very appealing he has a great personality but as usual he got pissed that I'm on a forum and that I have to bring it up so much. Anyway, I want to say how happy I am that you are proud of who you are and going out in the world and just being you!
     
  4. Sleepless

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    I'd give all the tea in China to have even a half decent relationship with anyone.

    Though I would be cautious about the pornography. That stuff can be addicting. I am a little ashamed to say it, but I used to be addicted to porn, too. I have quieted myself down now though, though I suppose it's good for the libido.:icon_wink

    Seeing as you're trying to reach out to him, might I suggest looking up 'yaoi' on the internet? It's a softcore animated gay pornography that's actually made for women, and it's very popular in Japan, and in the USA. You might even find it enlightening, and possibly be interested in it. That might get you closer to him, if you gave it a try, though im no marriage expert. I always found it to be more beautiful than erotic.
     
  5. TriBi

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    Hi berta. :slight_smile:

    It sounds like you are in a pretty tough place right now. It also sounds as if you are supportive of your husband (good for you!) even tho' he sounds unsure of his own sexuality.

    I don't know if you have found it yet, but this http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=930 might be a help if you read through it.

    However, Let me make a comment before you do. It actually sounds as if you are in the strange situation of having a greater acceptance than your husband - it also sounds as if, despite the circumstances, you still have a great deal of love for him - and HE is the one who is finding it more difficult to adjust to the true reality.

    Have you thought of getting him to join EC? (you probably have - but likely he is so much in denial that it is just not an option).

    I'm not sure how much we can help in this situation (unless he realises that he is at least Bisexual, possibly gay, and is willing to discuss his feelings) but please keep us in touch with how things go - and hopefully we can be there for you and maybe make some constructive suggestions.
     
  6. LorenzG1950

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    Hi Berta,

    TriBi has some excellent points. If possible, get your husband to join here. I'm one of those senior folks who finally came out about a year ago and it feels absolutely great. Even at our age, there are quite a few eligible guys who are interested. My two very good friends are 28 and 23, and I'm no Prince Charming:icon_bigg . If you love the person, age becomes very secondary. And he should be very grateful for having such an understanding wife. Hope he appreciates your efforts on his behalf and realizes that there are others right here who have wrestled with similar issues. Good luck to both of you.
     
  7. Jim1454

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    Hi Berta. Can I add my two cents...?

    I'm a 35 year old man that has recently come to admit (at least to myself) that I am bisexual - perhaps gay. I've been married for 9 years to a wonderful woman, and we have two small children.

    What prompted this realization was my addiction to pornography and sex. Sex Addiction, like other addictions, is usually rooted in some underlying personal issue or family history. (Sex addiction is perhaps more common than most would realize - but like all addictions eventually results in life being unmanageable - mine certainly ended up that way.) My addiction, first to pornography, then to chat rooms, cyber sex, phone sex, and eventually meeting with people for sex, was entirely homosexual, even though I was living a hetrosexual life (i.e. married to a woman, children, etc.)

    My wife has also been very supportive, and wants me to be happy. She recognizes that I've likely been unhappy for years (to be truthful, most of my life) - without understanding why. She also knows that to be true to herself, she needs to separate from me - as she wants a husband that is hetrosexual. (Not an unreasonable desire for a hetrosexual woman.)

    My therapist / counsellor has been very helpful in brining the addiction to light and helping me through it. He has also been helpful in that he is someone I can talk to about any and all issues with complete confidence. He has also helped both my wife and I through our separation, which is always a VERY painful experience.

    But from experience, I'd say that NOTHING will make sense if he is addicted to the pornography on the internet. I didn't realize I was addicted myself. There are lots of web sites, including Sexaholics Anonymous, that could help you and your husband understand if this might also be a problem for him. Only once he has that under control will he be able to take a serious look at what 'healthy sexuality' means to him.

    http://www.sa.org/

    I wish you all the best through a very difficult time. Please don't hesitate to send me a private message if you want to chat more on this.

    Jim
     
  8. berta

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    HI jim, Thanks. I am very glad that you are getting on with your life. Thanks for the info. No my husband is not a sexaholic. Is he addicted to porn? I don't think so. It's not like he is on till all hours of the night. He says that he looks at porn just like a heterosextual looks at magazines or porn. A good point he made the other night was that I should be thankful that's all he does. Meaning that he is not running around behind my back. I don't think that he is in denial about who he is. He has known that he was gay since childhood. It's pushing him out the door thats the hard part. I'm glad that you also had a understanding wife and that she's getting on with her life. I wish that I had taken that step but my husband and I were so young and we thought that love was all you needed. We have been married for 25 yrs. Sometimes I think he's a little worried about me being on my own. I don't know. He just keeps saying were would a fifty year old man go and who would be interested in him. You see he's a little round in the middle and he's starting to go bald. I tell him if I find it adorable so will someone else.

    Anyway, Thanks again for the info. I hope you meet someone in the future that will make you very happy and fulfilled.
     
  9. Jim1454

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    Thanks Berta. I'm glad that the pornography isn't a problem for him.

    For me, I really didn't know I was bisexual / gay when I got married - it didn't even occur to me. I'm not sure how my life would have turned out had I known...

    One thing I've learned in therapy / counselling, is the only person you can change is yourself, and the only person that you are definitely going to have a relationship with for your entire life is you. With that in mind, I'm not sure you can expect to 'push him out the door' and expect him to be thankful because it's for his own good, while reassuring him that he'll meet someone - even at his age. I would say you need to come to terms with what you want. And if what you want is to stop living his lie with him, then you need to leave. You can't wait for him to decide... Couples therapy would be helpful.

    At any rate, thanks for your kind words. We still have several rough months ahead of us, but I'm sure things will work out.
     
  10. Proud1p4

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    First of all, any situation of this type ill echo this message;

    Be Assertive.

    He has no right telling you "get over it" and although this may be hard for him, and your noble for caring about him, but this has to be about you. He is using this marriage as a cover. He loves you sure. I also love my dog, but i won't marry her because it's not that type of love.

    Secondly, what you said about being honest and telling him to move on. Highly suggested. But don't say it like "you know if you could get out of this faux marriage that would be great, at your convienence though"...say it like you mean it. Tell him you won't stand for this. You love him, but this marriage is fake. No matter what way he spins it he is being unfair to you and your son.


    Thirdly has has no right to be pissed at you. He doesn't have any idea how good he got it that you're so patient, which you really shouldn't be, he will just keep taking advantage of you and making you into some pushover eventually. If anything you should be the one mad at him. Tell him next time to hold his tongue and that it's you who is the victim here, and you won't let him use you.

    You sound like a very very very sweet women, patient and overly sympathetic. This man is doing you an INCREDIBLE injustice. Don't stand for it. You have a right to be in a marriage that is true.

    Lastly, you cannot. And i repeat. Cannot. Let this man keep evading what needs to happen sooner rather than later. The longer he is allowed to live his lie the longer it will take to pull him out of it. It kinda like giving a kid ice cream everyday before supper then one day, after you decide its not best for him, try to take it away and he has a hissy fit.

    My heart goes out to you. ♥