To whomever reads this - I am bisexual. Those three words are say so much in so little. Ever since I’ve been able to say these words to myself, I have been happy. I don’t mean superficially happy. The kind of happiness that disappears as quickly as it comes. I mean genuinely, profoundly happy. The person who said: “Ignorance is bliss” is a moron. Ever since I’ve known, I haven’t been more blissful. However, just like Pandora’s box, as soon as the good things have flown out and I’ve been able to marvel at them for a while, all I’m left with is the harsh reality. Indeed, a negative result has come out of accepting this. I won’t go into too much detail. Suffice to say it has caused me a lot of stress and distress. It’s also caused me to have moments of lucid confusion. By that, I mean that I occasionally have these moments of clarity into a deeper confusion that isn’t satisfied by the bisexual reality I’ve constructed for myself. That being said, it feels primordially *right*, as proven by the initial sense of joy. Now, I’m in this sort of sexual purgatory. I’ve tasted the sweet fruit of what acceptance was; Now I must wait for my past sins of repression to pass before I can enjoy it again. As much as I was genuinely happy beforehand, I am genuinely sad and confused at times. I have these moments, few and far between, where I am profoundly sad. They are few, but they are growing in number and in quick succession. I don’t know what exactly is at the source of this sadness. I feel like all the past explorers who went looking for the source of the Nile. Completely hopeless and looking in the wrong place. I can’t help but feel my sexuality is to blame for all this. Maybe the moron who said: “Ignorance is bliss” isn’t completely wrong. Perhaps he doesn’t mean absolute ignorance, but only ignorance of the truth. I say this because before I accepted my sexuality, I was curious and confused. Now I am just confused. I ask you, good people of EC, whilst on my knees, to ask for help. How do I surmount these feelings? How do I get back to being happy with the simple fact of who I am? How can I put an end to my sexuality being the source of my sorrow? It should a be source of joy, yet it has been corrupted. Thank you for reading. I realize it’s a long post but frankly, it needed to done. See you soon, -E. ---- P.S: Religion is not a reason. When I came out to myself, I made sure to quickly address that question.
First of all, if you have not already been properly welcomed to EC, welcome! Second, you write tremendously well! Third, and more to the point, acceptance is a great part of moving beyond "sorrow". Many of us know what you go through, we've been there ourselves. I struggled with similar concepts at one point, and I can tell you quite soundly that I have been able move forward because I have fully embraced who I am. What does this mean exactly? Well, for each person it's probably a bit different. I chose to start coming out to people. Friends first, then eventually close family. I found love with someone. I stopped denying myself a happy life and carved out a lifestyle that suits me, in even the most minute of ways. You reference ignorance, which is interesting, since ignorance is what causes us such grief in the first place. People's hate and our own world perspective - including our view on sexuality - can be influenced by ignorance. You've made a big step in admitting that you are different than what you thought you were. This is NOT easy, and for that I offer my congratulations. All I can say to you at this point is find people whom you can trust to confide in. Stop letting others influence how you live your life. As long as nobody is harmed, do what you feel like. Lastly, as I've already stated, know that you are not alone in this. You can take a step towards "returning to happiness" when you fully embrace this fact: your sexuality shouldn't tie you down, it should lift you up. Self-liberation is one the greatest joys there is.
