1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Life's gotten so hard....don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Sodifficult, Dec 22, 2013.

  1. Sodifficult

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2013
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Hi....I came across this site after some desperate searching to connect with anyone who may be in a similar situation to me. I am just finding it so hard to carry on and don't know what to do or who to turn to. My life's been a mess for so long now and I am in my min-30s and don't find a way out of this problem. From the outside I seem to have it all - a good job, a good home, great education, good family etc. But only I know I have been literally dying a little every day. I have had experiences with both men and women...relationships with both sexes as well. My longest relationship with a woman was for 5 years and we had an okay sex life. The relationship ended and then I went out having fun with guys that I had done before. Not being open about who I am these encounters were in public toilets, saunas, gyms etc. I kept looking for sex online and then 5 years ago on one of these very casual meets I met a guy...let's call him John. He was the most amazing person I had ever met and that first casual meet turned into love. Not just any love but a love that was intense, passionate and truly meaningful. Never had I experienced such happiness. John knew I wasn't out and he seemed okay with this. 2 months into my relationship with John, my parents came across cards and letters he had written to me (they were in my bag when I had gone home for the weekend) and they hit the roof. There were so many tears, fights, arguments and a very clear message from them that either I give up this "sordid and dirty" life or I forget them. My parents have done so much for me....I cannot even describe. We didn't have much money growing up and they still put me through the best education possible at times even sacrificing their own dreams and ambitions so I could fulfil mine. To say they are the nicest people I know would be an understatement. To them this whole situation was not only filthy and disgusting but also the biggest thing that caused them immense hurt. To cut a long story short, I still came back to John but he then started pressurising me to come out. He insisted on meeting my best friend who pretty much said if I am gay she rejects me. John and I broke up and I just couldn't cope without him. Then 2 years after our initial breakup we got back together but he again insisted that I come out. I asked him to be patient as my culture isn't accepting of the gay thing at all. We had the messiest of break-ups and 3 years ago we ended for good. To say I miss him and think of him regularly would be an understatement. I now find myself lonely, alone and miserable. I have been to therapists, priests, taken anti-depressants, dated girls etc. But now I am completely fed-up. I have not had any encounters for the past 4 months and been literally killing myself slowly from within. Not for the lack of sex but for the lack of love and intimacy. I haven't shared my bed with anyone in 3 years. I am someone who needs to be loved and craves intimacy. My parents want me to get married and there are so many pressures on me. Is there anyone out there in the same situation or who can at least talk to me. Coming out is not an option right now for sverel reasons. would be great to hear from you. thank u
     
  2. Yossarian

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2013
    Messages:
    1,814
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I would only tell you that getting married to a woman is not going to solve your problems, only add to them, and made some serious problem for the woman you marry. Perhaps people could offer more help if you tell us what your culture is and why you feel that you cannot find your own happiness instead of trying to provide a false happiness for your parents. It sounds like you had found someone who could make you happy, only you valued the impossible to obtain approval from your parents more than you did the relationship.

    Eventually, your parents are going to have to accept reality about you. That is the only way THEY are going to be happy about you. You cannot let them use your caring about them to blackmail you into putting on some kind of heterosexual "show" for them; there is no point in it for either you or them. You need to lead your life authentically. If you can't do that in "your" culture, then you need to move somewhere you can do it in a new culture that fits the reality of who you are.