Hi, how are you? For a few months now, I started to think about the idea of coming out to someone, a friend (I didn't know who yet) and have someone who knows. I am not ready to come out to everyone of my friends or my family yet. I want to have a friend who knows first, to talk with someone about it. There is this guy in my school which I knew since I started high-school, but not too well. This year however, we were put into the same class and we started hanging out in class with a bunch of other lads, and we got friendly. I began to think I could come out to him, and I think I trust him enough now (We talked about each other's ability to keep secrets, and I think he is trustworthy). I think I want to come out to him. But, I'm nervous, and I need some advice. He is the first person I will come out to, so I don't know how to do it. Also, he is straight (and same sex) and I don't want him to get the wrong idea, to think I'm like asking him out. I don't "like" him, we are just friends, but if he thinks I'm into him, It could freak him out (We are in the same class, we share locker rooms. I don't check people up in locker rooms, but people can imagine things you know.). But I don't want to offend him either, by making him feel like he is unattractive or whatever. I also want it to be a secret. And I genuinely don't know how to come out to him. I don't think he is homophobic. We often have debates about many things, and one day we quickly talked about opinions on LGBT issues (He came up with it btw), and he asked my opinion. Then I asked him "What about you". He said "I don't care really, they do what they want (as in, marriage)" And will he ask questions? Like what? What would be a good condo (I know you can't predict convo's, but like, the ideal condo?). Thank you
So let's forget your sexuality for a moment and focus on something else. You said you've "talked about each other's ability to keep secrets", does that mean you've already told each other some secrets, or was this just casual conversation? Either way, imagine you wanted to tell him a secret...let's saaaaaay...I don't know, it was you who stole Miss Granger's thong last period and ran it up the flag pole. How would you break that news to him. You want to make sure he doesn't tell anyone. You want to make sure he listens because you think it's important. How would you tell him that story? Now you've raised a concern about if he takes it the wrong way. I can't lie, it's a risk. It's a stupid risk and I have NO idea why so many people seem to think that we choose to come out to the person we have a crush on before anyone else like we are all the most confident people in the world. Perhaps mention that you are the first and only person who knows about it and you want to keep it that way for a while. At least then he knows that you're not asking him out, I mean who asks someone out and tells them it has to be hidden from the world! If he asks questions you can probably expect some of the following: Whaaaaaaat? So, who is it then...I bet it's Jeremy! So, you ever...you know...*blow job action* How do you know? Since when? Being realistic, those are fairly mild forms of what could be highly varied questions. I mean, what would you ask him if he told you HE was gay before you got the chance?
Speaking from experience, I am only out to a few close friends - currently in sixth form (16-18yo UK college) and my friends really didn't care. From what you have written it sounds like your friend may have a similar attitude. It is natural that he will go through a process of shock, denial, etc. and will quite likely have some questions but as it sounds like you two are good friends it should not be an issue for him. As long as there are no key barriers to his acceptance of LGBT issues (e.g. religion) this should not affect your friendship and may even bring you closer. Perhaps when you come out to him (make sure it is a private place such as your house) make it clear what you are feeling and how you are not attracted to him - make sure that he fully understands your situation so he can respond appropriately. We are both very young and I find that may people our age can be so immature - just be prepared for an unrational response and above all make sure you are safe and happy. This sounds very similar to what I have gone through and I went through it very well - but I am very confident and had the support of my parents so couldn't really care less. If you think there may be a negative response and you value his friendship so much - I would personally value him for all he adds to your life and find other areas where you can be completely accepted for who you are. Well that's just my perspective, feel free to get in touch if you think I can be of any help.
It sounds like he is pretty accepting. You can write a letter. One thing I found helpful (because I couldn't spit it out) was texting a friend that I had something to tell them and to pester me until I spit it out. I knew I was ready, I just couldn't get over the last hurdle. Good Luck!
Sometimes, while I've heard a lot of great coming out stories that involve long speeches or whatever, it works better if you just spit it out, all sudden-like. "Hey, how's life treating you today?" "Oh, fine. I'm gay." Then He'll probably sit in stunned silence for a second or two, following which the questions will probably begin. You can clarify, during the awkward silence, "Don't worry, I'm not into you or anything. And I'd appreciate you keeping this between us." Then you'll have to deal with the types of questions that EllliaOtaku suggested.
Wow, lots of nice advice, that's great! Very helpful. It was more of a casual conversation, and too be honest, I do trust him. I'm just nervous, and I'm always a bit paranoid. Do you mean he could ask who I like? That actually nearly happened to me. I nearly came out to another friend of mine by text, and I was actually trying to lead the conversation towards "it", but once the big question came, I joked around and denied. Even though I can't plan it accurately and he could react anyway and ask me any questions, I think I'll say something like: (I'll call him Delaney in the example, I'm not gonna use his real name) - Hey Delaney, can I talk to you for a sec, - Yeah? - I need to tell you something, I'm gay - {Shock, awkward silence} - Don't worry, I'm not into you or anything. And I'd appreciate you keeping this between us.(Sorry for the plagiarism sometimebefore, but it's a good line ), I just needed to talk to someone about it, I kind of found it hard to deal with it myself. If you have any questions, just ask. I'll give you some time off, ok? - {Reaction from Delaney} Is this good?
ummm that ok.. some advice.. when you say "i am gay" to someone make it clear that this matter is really important to you, you should have an expresion that you worry about this matter it cnfuses you it troubles you.. this will make the other guy think about how you may feel about it (so overwhelmed) and reduce the chances of teasing you or laphing at you. Also when you come out to him you don't talk.. you have to give him time to think about what you said and when you see him open his mouth to possibly ask you something then you say to him that you are not on to him and staf like that. At last you have to tell him that you are going to be friends like before, and don't want to ruin your friendship. If he acts the negative way.. (ummm i hope not) you have to ask him not to tell anyone..(you can say: you don't understand me but you can imagine what i will face if you tell the rest of our friends).. i hope i helped you enough..
