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Keep rooting me. Doing well, but need some encouragement.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by katmando, Jun 21, 2008.

  1. katmando

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    Hey Peeps:

    I am doing well. It really is weird, in March I landed up in the hopsital because I was unhappy and miserable with life. What a different a few months make. I can't even believe it. It doesn't mean I don't struggle a lot, but things are a lot better. I imagine I will still struggle for awhile, since I have kept myself sheltered for the last 10 years.

    Here is what is up. I didn't get the modeling thing like I thought I was going to(mentioned it in another post). It was a bummer, but I have sort of moved on. And I am still confident about my appearance. But listen to this before I ended up in the hopsital in March I tried entering a race, not only did I show up late. I had a lot of xanax in my system.

    Last Sunday, I signed up for my first race that I have ever been in. I did it at the last minute. I came in first plae in my age bracket, and placed 7th overall. 5k=19:52 About 130 people were in the race. I actually was in first place for much of it, but I just couldn't keep up.

    Today I went with Front Runners and had a good time. I do suffer with ocd/bdd, but a lot of it is more about being judged and what people think of me. I think at some point you have to say to yourself is obsessing about everything worth missing out in life, the answer is no. It doesn't mean I don't still obsess I do, but the more I am out the more *perspective* I get and people treat me the way I always dreamed of being treated.

    I don't think I will get stuck as much the more I go out and do things. Its sitting home and watching Judge Joe Brown is more when I really get stuck. Like today afterwards I went to breakfast with the guys and I overheard one of the guys talking and while I enjoy affectionate teasing. Sometimes ("Ted") can be a little mean spirited in his teasing with me and others. Anyway, he said my name loud enough where I could tell he was talking about me, enough so I said, what about me??(I wasn't being paranoid, just curious what he was saying)

    Well, I don't know exactly what he said, but I think he said I was spending too much time in the sun. I don't think he said Justin had a great tan, which I do get from some people. Then his partner said he is still young. I guess meaning I don't have to worry about sun damage or looking like leather. Actually as I am writing this I just remember that he(I think it was him) also teased someone who said they looked like they gained a few pounds. He was teasing, but like I said he can be a little mean spirited.

    Back to my tan. I do go to the pool a lot(something I enjoy), but I don't go to tanning booths(And sometimes people ask me if I do, that bugs me). But my face still does look like shake & bake ;-) In all seriousness though, sometimes it hurts because people have said to me things to before like are you a terriost??(not really a nice thing to say, even if they are joking) or are you American??. People have asked me if I am from Iran before. Am I spanish??. Greek? Italian? And it happens from strangers often and it happens a few times a week. If it didn't happen so much it wouldn't get to me, but it happens a lot. Even though I think sometimes they are compliments, its said we judge people so much in general


    I guess I have trouble, because then I keep worrying that maybe he said other things like I am too thin(it upset me for awhile when a lady from the running group said it) or voice sounds sterotypically gay I am the putz because I have tendency to brainstorm negative stuff(What are we going to do with me ;-)??) The thing is even if he did say I am too thin, its not a fact and its not how I feel about myself. The problem is I convince myself he did, and I get upset I sometimes have trouble making eye contact with people, because I get so upset (I need to work and trying on not letting this or any issue matter-its just hard). I sometimes get angry because deep down I sometimes which I could control peoples behavior when I truly know I can not. It also bothers me that not everyone is going to like me. I also have to accept that sometimes people can be a little mean spirited, but it does not mean they are bad people(sometimes they are actually very nice), it might just be one aspect of there personality.

    Not everything is coming together as fast as I would like it to. I still have to get a job. And that is really important, because its where you get *perspective* and it fills your day. I actually have inquired about doing some home health care for eldely peoples house and some Nanny jobs. I know these are not jobs where I am with lots of people, but I really need to take babysteps. I feel like I will get a job soon, because I keep inquiring.

    I still have a lot of things to figure out, but its not easy when you don't have a great upbringing. But one thing that has happend that I am happy about is the worry about my voice is becoming less important. Its finally breaking after 10 years, although it is not gone by any means(But I am confident)

    I have been stuttering a lot more, because I have been kind of anxious lately. I think I am not use to doing so much.

    Thanks for letting me vent all of this. I have a lot going on in my head and I needed to write it out. One thing that my doc said when I keep telling him how much I am worried what people are thinking about everything he said do not take this the wrong way, but you are not that important(He is right, I am still a little selfish and self absorbed, but I am working on it)

    In closing what I have learned through going to pflagg meetings, front runners, depession support groups and just seeing people in public. EVERYONE IS A MESS :slight_smile:

    I think I wanted to say everything I wanted to, I hit send by accident at first and I was scrambling a little.

    I know I have more issues then just being gay(so do most people), and maybe I should not of written it all here, but I feel most comfortable on this support forum.

    Justin!
     
    #1 katmando, Jun 21, 2008
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2008
  2. yahooooo

    yahooooo Guest

    Hey, I'm glad things are still going in the right direction. It may be hard, but I'm sure you will get there in the end!!! Good luck with everything and I hope it all gets even better :grin: Keep going and venting is always good :slight_smile:
     
  3. Lexington

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    Face forward, and keep kicking butt. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  4. s5m1

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    Justin, hang in there and keep moving forward. I am really happy you are doing better. And yeah, you are right, everyone has their own issues. We all deal with them and are imperfect. The fact that you now realize that is a significant step forward. I had to learn the same thing, too.

    By the way, I think it is great that you placed so high. You are obviously doing something very right there. I have worked out my entire life and have never been able to place like you did. You should be proud of your hard work and how it paid off.
     
  5. Mirko

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    I am happy for you that you are doing better and that you are moving forward.

    You are definitely on the right path. As s5m1 indicated, you should be proud of your accomplishments. I'm sure there will be more to come. Never give up!
     
  6. katmando

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    Thanks! appreciate the support. While I am athletic I think some of the success is done through anger/frustration(I run best when I am angry) I am dedicated and disciplined though.

    But today I ran in my second race and did not place. It was just a bad run, plus I drove to another run 30 minutes away and found out its next week. Since my computer is down I ran to Kinkos and looked up other races. My time today was around 22:40. It was a 5k, but I became disorientated with where I was suppose to stop and I kept running and ended up running the 10k, even though I signed up for the 5k. I don't know why I didn't realize when I looked at the timer the first time it was the end of the 5k(I am an anxious guy)

    I don't like losing. I start to question my ability now. The thing is on my own I can run 6 or 7 miles, around a 7 minute mile or under. I see running in races mentally 3 miles feels like 10 miles. But when I am running on my own its much easier.

    I also have trouble letting go what the guy said about my complexion yesterday. The thing is I do this with everything I let it bother me for awhile, then I worry about other stuff for a few weeks. But now that I am doing more and getting more perspective I think this will ease up even more.

    I guess I shoot for a 20:30 range for the 5ks because a lot of the races I do are not big, and even at that time I could probably still place 3rd in my age bracket.


    Justin
     
    #6 katmando, Jun 22, 2008
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2008
  7. yahooooo

    yahooooo Guest

    Don't beat yourself up.. we all have bad days. I play hockey and some days I can't even pick my stick up without dropping it or doing something wrong. You just have to accept that some days aren't going to go your day and enjoy the days where things go well.

    Hmm.. I find anger useful too.. keeps you going when you want to give up.. hee hee

    Anyway, don't give up matie and carry on going!!!! :slight_smile:
     
  8. Louise

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    Hey, good for you Justin, you really are coming on well. You are a very good runner, even if you aren't always first or placed, who cares at least you can run 10 miles. I bet there are not many people here that can make that claim!

    I have found that most people who make disparaging or disagreable remarks are often jelous of the thing they are critisizing, so don't let it get to you; if when you look in the mirror you like what you see then that is all that matters.
     
  9. Jim1454

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    LOL! I couldn't help but laugh - you ran the 10km rather than the 5km?!?

    My fist sign would have been me collapsing! :roflmao:

    Sounds like you're doing really well Justin! Keep it up!
     
  10. ccdd

    ccdd Guest

    I am really glad that you are continuing to feel better than you were before. It's always good to hear that things continue to go well with you :slight_smile:

    I'd say that some of the things you are realising which are helping you with everything I agree with. I think that everyone IS messed up to some degree (I know that I am), and one of my main ways of defeating my feelings that everyone hates me, is by reminding myself that I am only the centre of my own universe, and nobody else's. That realisation can be very liberating, I find.

    You shouldn't let small failures - such as like at a race or something - get you down, and make you fail to see the overall trajectory of your life, which is onwards and upwards. And I firmly believe that. Even when things do seem to go badly, life works in mysterious ways, in that two steps back is always, in fact, three steps forward.

    But I am glad that you're continuing to feel a bit better, and seem to be thinking about things in a positive way, deconstructing how you feel to figure out why you do and how that might not always reflect reality. I hope your progress and increased happiness continues :slight_smile: