Here's my story and I appreciate any advice you guys have for me. Apologize the post is a bit long. Background & Story I'm 31 years old, originally from India but currently working and staying in the US. Its obviously not easy to be Indian and gay. I have known I am gay ever since I can remember, but never really thought of telling to anyone. After I came to US, it was time and as it is with Indian culture, my family ultimately started looking for girls and kept sending me prospective matrimonial proposals. Having no courage to tell them the truth, I initially kept rejecting all proposals but then their questions kept increasing like 'What kind of girl you like that we should find'. I had been so scared to even check my emails if my family will send details of any girl. I kept replying 'ok' for a few girls. Then comes my vacation#1 to my country India for a few weeks. Obviously I was excited to see my family seeing them after a year but deep inside scared when they are going to bring the marriage topic. I met two girls and ultimately rejected them. Lucky escape#1, I came back to US and my family thought that if not those girls, may be some other. I felt relieved coming back to the US, but then my family kept searching for girls and sending me proposals. i rejected most but said ok for a few again. After about a year I couldn't go back to India for vacation again due to visa issues and my family kept pressuring to come ASAP so that they could finalize my marriage, now that I am getting old since I am 30 now. I got lucky around this time when I met this great guy and we had been going together since then. I remember how much I cried when I was finally able to talk to someone (him) about what I had been hiding from everyone. I also told the truth to few friends about my orientation and my bf while chatting over internet. My vacation#2 to India got very delayed and deep inside I was so worried that what will happen once I go back. As if life wasn't easy for me, my dad passed away. The news came as a shock to me and I was completely broken. I immediately rushed to India. The night before I left to India I was crying in my bf's arms, sad over the family tragedy , worried for my family and worried if they will bring marriage topic again. I went to India and it was a very tough time. But I wanted to be there for my family. I know it would have been hard for my mom, but she brought up the marriage topic asking me to see the girls and finalize a girl and marry a year later. (In India, if someone dies in your family, usually you wait for 1 year for any auspicious thing to happen). I got totally angry saying I don't want to meet anyone, but they forced me to meet a few girls. Unfortunately one of the girl was just perfect, but I was firm in rejecting her too. My family kept pressuring me to say a yes for her. She was good, my parents had met the girl before and even dad thought she was good, so the pressure that dad liked her too and the fact that I am getting old. And the pressure , mom kept saying how will she find a suitable girl alone, it was dad who used to do the proposal search. I could feel the pain mom was feeling. I had almost typed a note on my phone and wanted to show to my sister but I didn't. I ultimately told my family, I will chat with her few times on Skype and then tell. Lucky escape#2. Happy to be back in US again. A few days later my family told me, they reconsulted our horoscopes and it seemed my horoscope didn't match with the almost perfect girl. I was delighted and couldn't thank God anymore. My mom somehow kept searching for good proposals and sent me emails. I feel so bad that mom has to do all this for no use since ultimately i keep rejecting them even if I say 'ok' for a girl , I will ultimately reject. Problem I have to visit India for a couple of weeks in Feb 2014. I cannot skip going since I have to go for a ritual related to dad's funeral. And well, it will be past 1 year since his death, so now my family really wants me to finalize a girl, so that they get the marriage dates set up. They are expecting a girl will be finalized and that I will come back again for the marriage later this year or as the dates are decided. I have never been more stressed in my life as I am these days. I have been thinking to write an email to my elder sister (happily married) telling the truth but scared as hell. I am not really close with my brother in law and he is very religious. I can't imagine how will he react. I don't have the courage to tell my mom. I think I have these options: #1 Tell my sister which I am thinking to write an email to her with emphasis on how I will spoil everyone's life if I marry a girl. #2 Don't tell any truth, meet the girls and reject them and spend rest of the days in hell with my family pressuring to say yes for a girl and then fly back to US. #3 This is not even an option. Say yes to a girl, get married. #4 Can you guys advice any other thing?
Hey asimpleguy, welcome to EC! Although you call yourself a simple guy, you don't have a simple life! It is one of the most frequent and crushing problems that people face when they join us here at EC. The conflict between living our own lives and the lives that our parents, or society, has set out for us. Option #1 is risky, but your intention is in the right place, you don't want to do this to a girl. Option #2: messy, but you can decide to simply brush them all off, one by one, until you are past the prime marriage age. After all, you're not living with them. So your interactions will be stressful, the guilt-trips will be almost intolerable; but take it from a gay man who has been married for 20 years, you don't know pressure! Option #3: is not an option, period. Option #4: see #2, above.
I think that you may be able to try telling your sister or your mother that you are just not interested in marrying anybody. I am not familiar with Indian culture, so if this would be as bad as telling them that you are gay, you don't have to do it either. Good luck, and I hope you find a solution. -Clara
Tough situation ..... But you're a grown man .... It's your life to live not someone else's .... But I don't know much about your culture ... Why spend your life lying to your family and a wife? I would think that'd be more disrespectful than telling them the truth.... That's just my thoughts .... Best of luck to you
I think this is the right time to let it out. I am reaching an almost breaking point when my family mentions the word marriage. But scared as hell.
asimpleguy, Well I don't really know enough about indian culture to advise you well. I grew up white in the midwest United States. If my mother harrassed me about marriage the way yours does, I would tell her gently, then eventually rudely if I had to, to mind her own business and I will look after my own affairs. Are they pressuring you more than usual? Do other indian families persist with marriage so much with their sons? Do they try and arrange a marriage for them? Or is your family being abnormally persistent about you getting married. If so, perhaps they suspect something is different about you, they might suspect you are gay. The one thing I can definitely advise you on soundly though, from my own experience and especially from reading a lot of stories on here. DO NOT GET MARRIED TO APPEASE YOUR FAMILY! I've read some real horror stories on here from people trapped in marriage because they felt obligated and at the time it was easier to go along with it than to endure any perceived shame, but once you commit to a marriage and children are on the way and homes are bought, things get much more complicated. The truth will set you free.
