Hello everyone, it took me months to muster the courage to post this on here. Although I have creeped on the forums for a good while. I don't quite know where/how to start so ill just try and say what's on my mind. I am a male (physically) but ever since I was around 7 I used to play make believe by myself and pretend I was a woman, sometimes with friends as well (but I always felt odd around friends doing that). I still occasionally do this along with the delusion that one day ill magically wake up the opposite gender. I have wide hips and feminine features so I constantly thought have something female inside me and that I have an excuse to become a female. I know that's impossible for the most part. I play a lot of games too and in every one if I can't choose to be female I feel odd, like I can't do something I should be able to do. It's my only real outlet for this. But when I think about going to see a therapist I get scared because if I am a mtf transgender (which after 13 years of beating my head about it, I'm 90% sure.) I freak out in my head because I can never be the kind of woman I feel I would be. I feel that I'm trying to have my cake and eat it too. I get thoughts in my head about wearing high heels and looking sexy only to know I have big feet and an extremely annoying and frustrating hairy body ( except my face! >.<) I know that if I were to do any type of moving forward I would need to be comfortable with what I have. But it kills me to look at other women in lust and extreme jealousy that they can look so beautiful and I have to feel so ugly and hideous. Women find me attractive and I enjoy having sex, but I constantly wish and yearn for a vagina and always feel ( in my head) that I know what that feeling would be like. When I'm alone I always look into the mirror and tighten my shirt so I can see and marvel at the little bit of curve I have. I know this is a wall of text and some people don't like that. But in order for me to post this I have to post enough that I can try and get my head on straight. I have only told 3 people about what I feel my true gender is and one case ended up thinking I was gay, the other two didn't understand what I meant, which I get. But everytime I even think about telling my mom or step dad I just stop, I can't do it. The farthest I ever got was saying "I'm not gay" lol... I'm also posting this from my phone so if anything appears odd I'll fix it. Thanks tons in advance and sorry to any that find this annoyingly long and all over the place, such is my head.
Oh, come on, it wasn't that long and it was a nice story Welcome to the forum. What would you like the outcome of your telling your parents to be? Do you want to share the secret with them and leave things as they are? Do you want to dress differently? To be called a different name?
My parents are both pretty conservative and religious, they tend to dislike things of that nature. I still don't have the self confidence to make any sort of transition or therapy as its hard to find the right kind. I have only tried to dress differently once and I almost cried, I love those outfits and I'm always looking at clothes thinking of how cute they would look on me if I was a girl, but as a man in them it just hurts(even with my slender frame). And I refer to myself in my head as Kimi. I would love to figure out a good therapist to talk to so I can figure out a way to tell parents so against anything not straight. I never really had a good relationship with my parents and my mother just started taking an interest in my life around a year ago. We already don't see eye to eye on most things and I feel this would just make a bigger rift that just staryed to get fixed. I could be wrong, I'm just scared to shatter their thoughts of me after they finally started looking brighter.
