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Some advice please...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by brianaskme, Dec 24, 2013.

  1. brianaskme

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    I know I'm gay and I've known it since I was little, since maybe around 9 years old. I'm not very comfortable with more than my close friends knowing and 2 high school teachers. Now that I'm at college and meeting new people, I've discovered that I'm truly attracted to guys. I realize there is a spectrum to being gay and I'm on the straighter side of gay. As a matter of fact I find myself really annoyed by extremely flamboyant guys and feminine ones. There's only one guy in particular that I've fell for in that way here at school, one of my floor mates that I've gotten really close to, and I would suck his dick and let him fuck my brains out at the snap of his fingers. Well he's not really my floor mate and he’s the community leader. We’ve become so close these past few months that I’ve gotten to know him and he’s confided in me about some very personal things. It’s like I know I'm gay but I don't outwardly act it, so I don't feel it. In middle school, some 8th graders picked on me and accused me of being gay so much that I’ve rejected being gay up until my Junior year of high school. I’ve learned to grow tough skin and not get emotional when people accuse me of being gay. Maybe I'm pretending to be straight so these straight guys (and those who pretend to be) that I like will still talk to me and not be awkward around me and allow me physical contact. I’m so conflicted right now.
    So I decided to tell my friend how I truly felt about him and now we are no longer friends. So this has made me afraid to tell a guy how I feel after building a friendship. Being afraid of rejection and getting heartbroken are very much deterrents for speaking out. I know I just threw a lot out right now but if anyone could relate or help me make sense of this it would be much appreciated. Thanks in advanced.
     
  2. Dexter Colton

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    Hello Brian allow me to explain this the best I can. First off don't worry about pretending that your not gay around others, I can see that, however your friend (this is me just guessing) might have thought you were straight so when you told him you weren't he got defensive. I can relate to this because I came out to a friend of mine named Oliver. Oliver and I have been best friends since 2nd grade we played games and went over to each others house. Recently I came out to him and he freaked out. That was about five days ago. The next day he called and said that he was fine with me being gay and was happy that I came out to him. Well to make a long story short I feel your friend may need time to process everything. Please keep me posted and ask any questions you need answered and I will try best to answer.

    Best of luck
    -Dex
     
  3. brianaskme

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    Hello Dex,
    Thanks for the encouraging words. I'm glad your friend Oliver is accepting and supportive. I hope my friend is like that, however, not only did I tell him who I really was, but also that I fell for him (as in had feelings). I don't know if the same thing happened to you, but I had to get it off my chest and tell him the truth. I've come to accept myself for who I am, but the fear of rejection is hard to overcome. I hope all he needs is time because I told him that although he may not feel the same way, I wouldn't want this to get in the way of our friendship. I would rather have him as a friend than lose him forever.

    -Brian
     
  4. Dexter Colton

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    Hello Brian
    -there's an old saying time heals all wounds and I hope I can heal this wound. The fear of rejection is like the fear of surprises, you don't when it will come or how it will. As of right now play it like a game of chess. Your moves are based off of his moves. I am wondering something though, could you tell me about the thing your doing to mend the problem. You don't have to though.

    Best of luck
    -Dex
     
  5. Yossarian

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    Brian, you never know what kind of reaction you are going to get when you come out to "straight" guys. They can appear to be homophobic and turn 180 degrees around when you put your face on the topic, and accept you for who you are. They can also appear to be politically correct and accepting, and then freak out when someone they think is straight who is close to them says they want to snuggle up to them on the sofa. As Dex says, you are going to have to give him some time to process his feelings. Most likely he is going to end up saying that he is OK with your being gay, but tell you appropriately that he is straight and does not share the same sexual interest in you that you feel about him. If he has the strength of character we would like all our "friends" to have, he will remain friends with you as long as YOU can accept his sexual rejection, but continue to treat him as you did before, and separate the good (from his perspective) from the awkward. Some people can do this, others can't. But eventually, you are going to have to be yourself to find happiness, and it is not going to be with a straight guy who can't have reciprocal feelings for you, no matter what you feel for him.

    Coming out is going to help you find the "straight acting" (i.e. "normal" acting) gay man who is compatible with your personal version of what "gay" means. The sooner you feel comfortable with revealing the real you to the world, the sooner you will be able to find "that guy", who will probably also be looking for a "straight acting" but gay guy to fulfill his own dreams. There is no way to avoid rejection during this process, when you and the other gay guy just don't hit it off, but at least you will not be in the no-win situation of falling for a straight guy who can never be the partner you are looking to find.
     
  6. brianaskme

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    Dex,
    I really don't know if what I'm doing is really mending the problem. I'm just giving him his space so he can get his thoughts together and keeping myself busy by volunteering my free time so that I don't think about him too much. I texted him a few days ago to tell him Happy Birthday and all he said was "Thanks", so I figured he didn't want to talk yet. I'm not trying to be pushy or anything, but I do want to sit down and talk with him when we get back to campus. Hopefully he's understanding and accepting, but if not then it wasn't meant to be.

    ---------- Post added 1st Jan 2014 at 09:03 PM ----------

    Yossarian,
    Thanks for the advice. I will find out what happens to our friendship when I return to school for the spring semester. When I prepared myself to tell him, I thought he would be shocked at first and I knew he would need some time to process everything. Seems like everything is happening that way so far. I hope he really is ok with it, and I really do like being friends with him. I'm working on the coming out part, and it's not that easy, but I've told a few people on campus and they've been supportive. It's always the girls that are understanding for some reason. Guys freak out.
     
  7. Dexter Colton

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    Hello again
    It's good to hear him rebounding.I'd say your mending it just take it slowly after all time heals all wounds . Just do what you said in your added coment and everything should be fine. If something happens don't be afraid to ask.

    -Good luck
    -Dexter
     
    #7 Dexter Colton, Jan 1, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2014
  8. awesomeyodais

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    good luck with your current situation - for the future, you will probably read this a number of times throughout this forum, that it's generally not recommended to come out to a friend AND tell them you "like" them in the same conversation. Give it some time between both conversations. Especially if you don't give off hints you might be into guys in your every day behaviour and it's a total surprise.