Coming to Terms with the "Impossible"I'm gay. Two words - well, three words if the contraction is expanded - that mean so little yet so much. Two words that don't confine me but throw a huge punch. I struggled (am struggling?) to accept it. I scribbled it in a tear-stained journal; I mumbled it in my metaphorically haunted car; I cut it into the same journal; I confusedly whispered it in the same car. But it never stuck (sticks?). It feels like a sick joke sometimes. Why would God put this one me? Why do His people, people called to love, flippantly accuse them (me) of an unholy sin. Is not all sin unholy? Are we not all sinners? Why should I be thrown into a fiery pit when these accusers are sinning as much as I am. They say that whose arms I want to hold me will send me to Hell. They say that whose shoulder I want to lay my head on will send me to Hell. Most sadly, they say that I could choose to not do this. I. Could. Choose. To. Not. Feel. This. Way. And that is so disheartening. As someone who has grown up in the church and has enjoyed the warmth and belonging it provides, it kills me (has killed?) to think that people that see me on Sunday's would hate me. I honestly don't think they do. Why me? Why me? Why me? I've tried to change, and I have. Instead of writing it in a worthless book, instead of saying it in an empty car, I have patched it onto my heart. Two words that mean so little yet so much: I'm gay. This Saturday I am hanging out with a friend, and I feel as though it might be time to start the coming out process. I don't plan to tell her yet; in fact, I'm not sure if she'll be the first one I tell. I do want to start dropping hints and building confidants. I have ideas, but I'm not entirely sure how to navigate the situation. I'm thinking about broaching Utah's judges, New Mexico. Then I might bring up out people at my school; there are a surprisingly high number for a Southern school. If you have any ideas or suggestions or - something we all need more of - words of encouragement, please leave them below. Thank you for bearing through my semi-coherent story-telling-rant-thing. (I didn't proofread it so hopefully it makes some sense...) Anyways, thanks for all the help. -Bassoonist
You know. Dropping hints is a good idea. I wore a lot of the ribbons from the Christmas gifts I got and people thought it was "cute". I need to try that more to get a feel of the room. You aren't saying anything people haven't heard before, just know you aren't the first and people care for you.
It took me a very, very, long time to say those words to myself. Even though I had fooled around with a few guys over the years I didn't think of myself as gay. It was only a few months ago that I said those words out loud. Being bisexual somehow gave me enough cover to ignore the issue. However when you have hurt your best friend it's time to get honest. Just promise that you won't let it go a long time like I did.
Bassoonist, You go Boy! Don't worry about living up to anyone's expectations of who you ought to be. Be yourself, be the person you want to be and live up to your own expectations. And don't let anyone, especially clergymen, tell you how God feels about you. We all have a conscience, we all know in our heart how God feels about us. Its the only guide we need. As far as people go, I know what I'm saying is easy to write and much, much harder in practice, but remember... You are the person you've always been, remind people of that when you tell them. The people who truly love you will continue to love you. For those who don't, inevitably, another will step into your life to take their place. GOOD LUCK!
I really do not understand mainstream religion's view about homosexuality. Would Jesus hate you because you were gay? Of course not so why do those who say they follow him feel the need to.
