Hi everyone! It's been a few months since I posted on here but here is my original post which sums up the situation pretty well http://emptyclosets.com/forum/family-friends-relationships/94058-advice-desperately-needed.html Basically, I'm 19 and with my dream guy who is nearly 24 and is not only my best friend, but is probably one of the most influential and wealthy guys in the area. And he's only getting better looking as he loses more weight haha...I love the guy and he loves me. The problem is, he really wants to come out as a couple. A lot of people know I think since we aren't very discreet. My question is: how do I ask him to delay coming out when I have no really good logical reason? Whenever he does, I will be outed by association and I am not ready for that :/
Just tell him that you don't feel emotionally comfortable with other people knowing yet... but that you will come out later...?
Having talked to a lot of people who have been in your partner's position, I can tell you that it really sucks to be the "out" one in a relationship, and it's not at all healthy to his self esteem. So if you want to delay it, I'd suggest you need to be willing to give him an ironclad timeframe (and not 2 years from now) when you'll be ready to come out. My guess, though, is that it's not so much you need to wait, but you don't feel quite ready. And if that's the case, think about this: If people are already assuming, you might as well just walk into the fear and get it over with, because, as hard as it will be in that moment, you'll be a lot happier once you are out, and your relationship with him will improve also, because so much stress will be lifted from your shoulders. So if you're willing to set a concrete date, and it's not too far in the future, then I think it could be reasonable to ask for (though it will still be a huge inconvenience for him.) But I'd also suggest you really think about just leaning into the discomfort and getting it over with.
This same situation occurred in my first same sex relationship. The main difference was that we were both under 18, no one was assuming about me, and you said there was no good reason for you not to come out. I think what Chip said was very good advice for your situation. I delayed things for years, and looking back, wished I'd have come out sooner than later.
Indeed, when you have "no really good logical reason" not to come out, then you have answered you own question, which should be "Why" do I ask him to delay coming out instead of "how". If you really do love this guy, then your coming out will show your commitment to him, and make your relationship with him stronger, while at the same time he is supporting YOU in the process of coming out. This sounds like a win-win situation for both of you, so you should be asking yourself WHY you want to delay what will probably bring both of you peace and happiness. If you can't come up that "really good logical reason" not to, then "just do it".
