I have been stealth for three years. That is, everyone who knows me (excluding my parents) has believed me to be a cis-man. And now I'm considering coming out of stealth. The prospect is pretty damn scary, and I've got to accept that there is a small risk of hate crime involved. It sounds stupid, but I am just so fucking lonely. Its the holidays, and I haven't spoken to a single person so far, because my friends are just friends of convenience, and I can't seem to upgrade them. I also feel I'm being selfish, because I pass so well, and have the fortune to have been given top surgery and the ability to legally transition. Others haven't been so lucky, and being stealth does nothing for trans rights and visibility. In my psychology class a few weeks ago, we discussed the topic of gender, and got onto transgender people. Using the fictional trans friend, I actually did manage to change a lot of minds regarding trans people, and this gives me hope that people won't be as hostile as I fear. I've also got a friend who I discussed a trans friend with, and she mentioned her cousin would have transitioned if he could, and seems okay with trans people. So, my questions are: Should I come out? How?
Well that's a new one! Hmmm. Should you? Well...that's really up to you, I mean you shouldn't feel guilty about passing just because it doesn't do anything for trans rights/visibility. Not at all. There are plenty of things you can do to further that cause without dropping yourself in it so to speak. How about from now on if anyone asks something that could be answered with the phrase "Well I was born a girl" you use it...so your psychology class for example. If the subject came up again, you could inform them that your friend was actually you. Personally, I'm not convinced I'd want to come out if I could pass perfectly, but I'm not convinced I'll ever pass at all Don't feel that you HAVE to, but if you WANT to, then why not.
Not guilty about passing. Guilty about not being out, given that as a passing trans person living a pretty average life, I might be able to do more than someone who isn't able to pass if I were out. Like what? Anything I could do would put me in the position of an ally, at the very least, and there would always be doubt about my cis status. I wasn't born a girl. I was born a boy, and assigned female. And anyway, no one does ask. Its not exactly a common question.
Have you ever thought that you can do just as much as a perceived ally as an out transperson? When us transpeople stick up for ourselves, people expect it because we are perceived to belong to the group. Sticking up for transpeople as a perceived cisguy might really be able to show people that more than just transpeople care about us. I don't think you should feel weird about being stealth, unless you want to tell a few close friends to be closer to them I understand. Really, don't feel guilty. I feel incredibly happy for you being able to be stealth and living the life you were meant to be, and I think you can make just as much difference, if not more being stealth.
Hey mate, I saw your post here from Dec 2013 Just wondering how that's going, did you end up making any particular decisions and what are your thoughts on it. I'm sort of in the same situation. It's kind of a rare path so I've been trying to find people who talk to who are in a similar place. I've been stealth for 5 years and doing just fine but now I want to come out at my university. I think I would feel more comfortable and at peace knowing that the people around me know and accept this part about it. And I think everybody could learn something from my sharing this. A few months ago I fully realized that I can't go on stealth forever. For a long time it was my natural tendency but when I think about my whole life ahead of me... it's not my style. I have been planning my coming out for a while now and I'm planning to finally do it next September. The details of this are still messy as I don't know what professors I'm going to have, and I need to tell them first... I also need to prepare for the possibility that people will gossip about it and other mutual acquaintances, or even potential employers will end up hearing about it secondhand. It all comes with the territory I guess. Like you, I was told that I could just advocate for trans people as a "cis" male advocate. I have never felt comfortable doing that because it feels like very willful deception. Also I think it would be all the more powerful to be out and speaking from firsthand in these cases. Anyway if you want to chat about it I'm here.
I lead kind of a strange double life. I'm a trans* activist. I give public speeches. I've published. I work with government agencies, churches, etc. doing education. I've lobbied on our gender identity discrimination bill (which I think will finally pass this year! Yay!). I've organized community events. I've represented trans* people in court. I have done lots of things. And within the local trans* community it is a good bet that you would either know me or at least know of me. But when I don't do those things, I am pretty stealth. That's why my outness is "semi-public figure" instead of "public figure." But while being stealth, I am still a surprisingly knowledgeable and passionate "ally." Honestly, I enjoy the stealth part of my life more than the out part. It's the part where I get to enjoy my life and just be. Otherwise "trans*" tends to get in the way of being just human. Revealing my trans* status, doesn't allow me to experience a more authentic life or more openness with people. It actually makes all those things harder. Much harder. So I don't begrudge people their ability to be stealth. I am not one of those people who think you have to be "out" or that failure to do so makes one selfish or somehow bad. "Outness" is a very personal thing and it's a very individual decision. And there is a ton of room for stealth people to help the community while remaining stealth. Here's an example: if you are stealth, then it will likely be much easier for you to find and keep a job. One big problem we have is that trans* issues are generally not funded by the LGBT community. In particular, trans* people are expected to work for free. For example, I was just asked to serve as a local counsel for a group of national LGBT orgs and civil rights orgs in a trans* discrimination case here. All the orgs are full of well paid attorneys. And they all are cisgender. But they were not willing to pay me (a trans* person) a single dime for my work. Stealth trans* people with jobs could do a huge amount of good for trans* people by funding trans* specific causes and organizations. This is something desperately needed. So . . . Should you come out? Sure if you want to. But if you don't, then this activist at least won't look down on you or think poorly of you. Your ability to just lead whatever life you want is the reward I get for my work. May many others reach a space of just leading their lives.
