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My Dad: Not so accepting, upsetting me

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Sam, Jun 23, 2008.

  1. Sam

    Sam
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    I feel like such a baby because I know there are others on this site who have it much worse but my dad has completely changed how he feels about me being gay. I knew he was never thrilled with me being gay but he has never said anything that would hurt me.

    He said that I was nasty and that I'm going to burn in hell and that he would rather me date a black man then be gay (yes he is also prejudice).

    When I told him that I don't believe that I'm going to hell he said that I can believe whatever I want but it doesn't mean I'm right. When he said how nasty he thought I was and how nasty what I do is (meaning sex) I said well I think what straight people do is nasty everybody is different and then he said well tell that to your grandma she would have you laid on the ground spreading oil on your forehead asking god to help you and try to save you so you don't burn in hell.

    The conversation went on like this for awhile with us arguing and him saying all kinds of stuff and it seemed like he was just thinking of all the different things he could say to hurt me.:tears:
     
  2. crimsonarcher

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    ohh, how sad!
    Don't worry, we're all here for you!
    I think he's a mean man, to be sayign that to your own daughter and to also be prejudiced?
     
  3. beckyg

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    You are not a baby. My dad said almost those same things to me for being a gay supporter a few months back. You should of heard me cry and I'm a grown woman! I should have just told him to f-off and walk out. :grin: The cold hard truth is it hurts when our parents say things that damage us. Your dad doesn't understand homosexuality so he pulls crap from the what he has been taught and uses it to hurt you. I'm guessing he's going to feel some remorse. Mine did. He didn't apoligize but he was very, very nice to me after that and I know its because he felt bad. No anti-gay comment has come from his mouth since.

    If you can get your Dad to sit down and watch it, The Bible Tells me So is an excellent DVD that talks about the Bible and homosexuality.
     
  4. Louise

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    Hurtful remarks can make us cry at anytime, especially coming from a parent. There is in all of us the little boy or little girl that wants to be loved and cherished by our parents and when we are villified in this manner it is one of the things that touches us most.

    See if you can get your dad to watch the video that Becky mentioned but on a more personal level you need to try to shut those words out from your mind, don't let them buzz around in your head hurting you for ever.

    I can understand how hurt and upset you must feel at the moment but this sort of thing can poison a relationship for ever if you let it. Maybe you need to get your mum to talk to your dad and for him to realise just how much hurt he has caused you with his harsh words.
     
  5. Trumpetplyer23

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    I agree with the above posters, hurtful comments made by parents can make you cry. I've lived basically my entire life having hurtful comments said to me by my dad. It sucks and it can lead to a number of things. Depression, low self-esteem, etc.

    ...I really have no advice on how to fix the relationship besides talking. Take it from me, if you don't say 'dad, that really hurt me when you said....', the relationship will never be the same. Those comments my dad made to me and about me hurt me so badly, but I never told him, that's why our relationship is so strained and weird.
     
  6. Jim1454

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    Take comfort in the fact that your dad is obviously pretty 'backwards' about stuff. And having you lie in the dirt and rub oil on your forehead - that sounds like it's from the dark ages! Do people still do that?

    I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time. It doesn't sound like an argument that you're likely to win though. I'd tend to just avoid the topic if I were you. Avoiding your dad too might be an option - don't know.
     
  7. Leigh

    Leigh Guest

    its crap you gotta go through that with your dad. are there any other family members/ friends who are cool and could help mediate between you and your dad?

    i hope things get better for you!!
     
  8. Sam

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    I tried to talk to my dad. This time we didn't argue or yell at each other but we agreed to disagree and I guess I will have to accept that. He believes that I am probably going to hell because he believes the bible and he said that he is not 100% that my being gay would send me to hell but he is "90 something % sure". He said that he can't live my life for me and that he loves me and that he is proud of all the things I have accomplished (going to school and having my own place etc.) He also said that he isn't sure how he will react to me being in a relationship and that we will "cross that road when we come to it" he also said that he believes it is a choose and not something we are born with.

    I'm not going to try to make him change, yes it hurts that he doesn't accept that I'm gay but he does love me and even though he does say some hurtful things I do think that he will try not to say those things anymore because we know what each other believe and it won't change.

    The only thing that I'm worried about is what will happen when I'm in a relationship.

    I'm tired of trying to make him see my side and I can't force my opinions on other people no matter if they are wrong about theirs.

    I guess I just wanted to feel true acceptance from him and I thought we were getting close to it before he started telling me how he really feels and now I know I won't ever get that feeling of true acceptance. I don't think anyone in my life truly accepts me they might care about me and love me but they don't truly accept me. But they also want me to be happy while at the same time hoping I'll change my mind. I don't know but I know that they do love me and I guess that is going to have to be good enough.

    Sam
     
    #8 Sam, Jul 1, 2008
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2008
  9. STK

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    Daaamn that sucks that your dad has been blinded by religion. Hopefully he'll shape up.
     
  10. Louise

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    Hey, I know it isn't really what you want but at least your dad does love you enough not to cut you out of his life even though his beliefs against homosexuality are so strong.

    We can't always agree with the people we love and we can't always make them see sense but hang on to the good things. Your dad loves you, he wants to be part of your life and that is just about all you can hope for at the moment.

    Worry about a relationship when it happens. When your dad sees you happy and in love (all a parent really wants in fact) he will learn to accept it even if he doesn't agree with it or believes that it is wrong. I say good for your dad.

    At least you have agreed to disagree for the moment, with a bit of luck and time you and your dad will come to a mutual acceptance, him for your homosexuality and you for his closed ideas.
     
  11. Sam

    Sam
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    When I was younger, and he didn't know about me he used to tell me that he would disown me or my brother for being gay so I was terrified to tell him and when I came out to him he didn't disown me so I guess I should be thankful but it just threw me when after a year and a half of "acceptance" he would suddenly make it clear how much he hated it by saying all the things he said. Like I said though I know he loves me and I will just focus on the good things in our relationship.

    Thanks everybody! (&&&)(*hug*)
     
  12. beckyg

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    If you can get your Dad to watch that movie For the Bible Tells me So I think it would really open his mind. But yeah....I think you made progress. :slight_smile:
     
  13. Sam

    Sam
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    He is very stubborn and will refuse to watch that movie (although it is a great movie, I've seen it) he is one of those people who believes what he believes and will carry his opinions to the grave and no movie or person will change his opinions. He doesn't go to church and I can't remember the last time he picked up a bible but he still believes in it and was raised in church, by a strict mother who is southern baptist. There is nothing I can say or do that will change his opinions he might eventually learn to accept that I am happy and be happy because I am happy but will always believe I chose to be gay and that I am going to go to hell.

    I can't bring myself to tell him that I don't believe anything the bible says because that would be a whole other argument! lol.

    Seriously I think I'll be ok I just have to learn to be ok with what he thinks. Like I said agree to disagree.
     
  14. ccdd

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    I'm really sorry that your dad is being like this (*hug*) (*hug*).

    I think that what he said was really hateful, but maybe hopefully he regrets it somewhat (suggested by your decision to "agree to disagree"). But even so, it must feel as though he's loving you in spite of your sexuality, and not including it. I am really sorry for this (*hug*).

    I know some people who are just so stubborn that no matter what you say will make them change their minds - I really really hope that your dad does, and one day comes to truly accept you, but I also see how that might not ever happen (*hug*).

    But your dad will have been brought up in a particular way, and it is really hard to change your views and opinions at any age (I'm already quite set in my views), let alone when you're older. So if you can, at all, try and see it that way, that he was failed by his upbringing, rather than try and take it too personally. The fact that he didn't throw you out suggests that he has tried very hard to accept you as much as he can; and whilst this isn't quite enough, I know, try and focus on this, that he has tried to dampen his views, than that he possesses the hurtful ones he does. Otherwise you will just get upset (*hug*). I suspect that this recent episode represents a lapse in his efforts - and I can see how it must be so painful feeling that even when he is nice, he is just tolerating you or making an effort - but try and focus on the fact that he is trying to make an effort most of the time.

    I know this doesn't help much, but it's just that because it sounds as though you think it unlikely he will ever change, in order to protect yourself it may be that somehow you've got to change how you feel and react when he's like this, and how you view his behaviour, even though this is totally, totally unfair on you.

    But I'm really sorry he said those things - they're really horrible - and I hope that one day he does accept you whole and entire :slight_smile: