I wanted so much to come out this year. I was seeing a therapist, and I got myself all worked up to do it but I chickened out again and again. Earlier in the year my mum asked me point-blank if I was transgender in a restaurant, I told her no and to shut up but I wanted so much to continue the conversation and tell her that I was just gay. I don't know where the trans question came from but in my head I'm guessing that she was just trying to eliminate possibilities. It feels like it shouldn't be such a big deal coming out and that I'm just being silly but I am constantly worried about the possible outcomes. When I was at school I was constantly bullied and called gay and I continuously denied it and told them to shut up but this just encouraged them to keep going. I saw how other gay boys were treated at school and I just didn't want that for myself, so I kept denying it. One boy, (let's call him Steve) was constantly harassed and was pressured into coming out and when he finally succumbed to the pressure, the bullying seemed to fade. I was asked by a bully about halfway through my last year of school "why don't you just admit it? steve did, why not you? and then we would stop the harrassment." I feel now that if i was to come out 5 years later, it would be a great fat WE TOLD YOU SO and I would hate myself for finally admitting that they were right. I'm filled to the brim with excuses as to why I don't have a girlfriend, it must seem obvious to others why but because I constantly deny their accusations people just choose to leave it alone I guess. Earlier this year I won a fair sum of money on lotto and I thought this would be my chance to get out, to leave everyone behind and to start a fresh new life and to be who I wanted to be. But then I started thinking about all the people I would be leaving behind my current friends and my family (even though it's just my mum and grandmother). And so I'm still here. Ive seemed to have many opportunities this year to open myself up to others but I've chosen to remain once again in the closet. I hope the New Year will bring me some happiness. So this is me letting off some pent-up anxiousness. if anyone has any insight or some advice I would greatly appreciate hearing it I hope you all have a Happy New Year
School is out, and it is time for you to be also. I read your post several times, looking for some reason why you need to stay in the closet, but I could not find it. The New Year isn't going to bring you any happiness unless you take some steps to make it happen. You have already taken the most important step by coming out to yourself; you aren't questioning what your gender identity is; you know you are gay. If kids at school figured this out, then your mother and maybe your grandmother already have too, but are just waiting for you to be confident enough to confirm it to them; you pretty much did so when you told your mom you didn't want to talk about it when she gave you the opportunity; most straight people would have immediately declared that they were straight, but you didn't, you just told her to "shut up". Straight people don't hide their gender orientation; they don't feel the need to. It doesn't matter what your former school mates would say, if they are still so immature as to say "I told you so". All they would be saying is what you already know to be true, so it doesn't matter that they guessed what was true. Why would you "hate yourself"? Because your disguise didn't work, or because you feel that there is something wrong with being gay, which there isn't. You are spending a lot of energy making up reasons why you don't have a girl friend. Why not spend that energy trying to find a compatible boyfriend. All you have to do is say those three little words, I am gay, in any number of different ways, to free yourself to begin the search for someone who can make you happy. You know you want to. You don't need to get yourself "worked up" to do it. Just write a letter to those few people who care about you, your mom and grandmother, and confirm to them what they already know. Then go quietly about finding someone to love you, coming out only as needed to anyone who you think you would like to spend some quality time with to the extent you need to to find them. It's time. Don't waste it like some of us have unwisely; it is the stuff life is made of and there is a limited amount of it for any of us.
Hey I almost came out last night. No one has actually asked me, if they did I'd run with it. I feel you 100%. I'm clear on my orientation and in my head clear on gender but no one knows about me really. Trust me I feel you. Only reveal it when you feel safe. I have a plan, I'm talking to my psychiatrist first as a stepping stone then using a comic convention to come out. Just use your best judgement. Do it when it feels right.
Is there anymore room in this boat? There are still two days left in the year, so anything can happen. But the way I see it, it's up to you. Courage is sometimes the hardest thing to muster up, but when you do, great things can happen. And it is always good to think about the future...next year at this time there is a greater chance that you are out and proud and living the life you were born to live. That all can happen in the next two days, but if you miss those two days, don't fret.