Hi! I am a new member here at empty closets and I need many things: Someone to talk to, Advice, Acceptance. Here I go, I don't usually tell others this.... I always knew I was different. From the way I spoke to the choices I made when picking toys. I always envied those girls with their baby dolls, and hated the boys with their toy cars and action figures. I hated them because I couldn't be them. I hated them because I thought they made the right choices,as opposed to mine. My mother would always discipline me and "redirect" me when I did something "girly" or "faggish" I just gave up and desperately tried to follow the norm of the other "straight boys" so my mom and the world wouldn't hate me, because I knew who I was on the inside, and nobody liked a "gay fag" Years passed and I am at the age of seven, looking to exterminate my monotony. I searched what I liked....I stared at the screen in terror and amazement at what was happening before my eyes. I soon exited and took a deep sigh of relief. Thinking I was safe. My mother nearly a day later found the pictures and movies I saw and was utterly disgusted at the mere thought of me being gay. As a result she pulled me aside and asked If I was, and I quickly said no, tears rolling down my face, I thought it was so wrong to be who I was , I quickly answered with and abrupt No. I am now 14 and still struggling to accept the fact that I am never going to change. My family is extremely homophobic and hate LGBT+ people. I am expected to be married to a woman and have a family , which in itself is not horrible, but it is not what I want. Needless, to say I am only 14, just beginning life with a struggle that is completely suicidal. I can't accept myself and neither will my family. What will the world think of me? What do I do with myself. For me, crying is the only remedy. :tears: Please ask questions and reply...
What will the world think of you? Who cares. Life ain't about changing who you are to satisfy as many people as possible. It's about finding the people who WILL ACCEPT you EXACTLY who you are, without change, with change, no matter who you may be. Listen, no matter where you go, there will be people that hate you, for your orientation, for your skin color, how you act, what you have-- it's the world we live in. But, don't let your family or the world or ANYONE talk you into acting like something you aren't. Don't try to change, and for the love of everything, do NOT try to date a girl just because you think it'll turn you straight (trust me, it's not gonna end well...). Now, I'm not seeing dont ever date a girl ever, if you feel you may be bi or you may be straight, tread cautiously. The family part, that's where the difficulties come in. If you have other family members or friends you can go to, I'd recommend staying in close contact with them just in case you need to get out of that house. Don't be afraid to leave your family, it could just save your relationship with them. But, with you being 14, it's tough because they have run away laws and stuff. But kid, even though they're your family, don't let THEM get to you either. It's not fair, but you may just have to endure it for a few years... I mean, someone else here can probably give you better advice, but I''ll just say this- don't let them get to you, don't give them power of you. There's NOTHING wrong with who you are. Nothing at all, there's nothing abnormal about you, there's nothing wrong with you. If you need to talk, you have tooons of members on this website that will talk to you. We all are here for you.
I hated my sexuality at 14 as well and tried to convince myself i was straight. and yes my parents back then were very right wing and didn't like the idea of homosexuality at one point i think i copied my parents values. eventually i returned to my right state of mind and a year and a bit later i stopped caring about my sexuality and accepted myself, i realized that my parents are idiotic because of there values but i cant blame them for the generation they grew up in had no real exposed homosexuality and that the media were very biased towards us. you needn't worry about what others think about you! what matters most is what you think about yourself! there will always be haters in the world so be strong! this may sound very cheesy but it does get better over time. your sexuality doesn't make who you are, its just a piece of who you are. I wish you good luck and may the odds forever be in your favor
There's already some pretty good advice going on here. What Ember is saying about don't let your family have power over you and Chivalrous talking about self-loathing at first. Good words to listen to already. I'm just going to add, mostly because I saw that you're worried about the future and considering whether the future is worth it. I pondered that for awhile myself. I never seriously considered suicide, no, but I thought about the future and what it would be like. Ember is right. It gets better. Once you accept yourself, you get good feelings inside you when you think about the future. Think about the time we live in. It's not a perfect world for people like us but it's quite a bit better. You have the opportunity to be who you want to be. People can judge or hate you but they can't do anything about it. They can fill themselves with hate and disgust but you can focus on acceptance and love. A few months ago, I felt sick and stressed about the future. Now (despite still being in the closet) I think about an awesome guy to spend my life with and there's positive images in my head. When it comes to family, I hope they support you. But if they don't, don't settle for them. Don't turn life into a daily chore for them. You're responsible for your happiness, not theirs. Sometimes making yourself happy is selfish. In this case, it's not selfish. It's being who you are. Best of luck. We're always here for you!
Are you South Indian? I ask because your username has Dravidian, and my family is Malayali; though, I was born and raised in the US. Your story reminds me a lot of what I experienced growing up in a conservative family. I have experienced a lot of the same things, but luckily my parents don't seem to really suspect me, likely because I was so introverted and never spent much time outside with friends. Honestly, the only time I felt free was when I went far away for graduate school, and I think I would have been out already if I didn't stay at home when going to my undergraduate college. Whatever your family says, you absolutely do not have to get married to a woman and have children. This is the 21st century. We are not stuck in the era of forced arranged marriages anymore, even if some older Indians seemed to think so. I know from personal experience with my parents that a lot of these marriages are loveless and only survive because of the kids, even when divorce would have been the better option. Also, I tried very hard like you to be "straight" in actions, but it only made my introversion worse, and I lost touch with a lot of my friends outside of school. Things only got better when I realized I can change who I am or who I love, and so what kept me going was the hope that one day I'll be independent.
Good Morning! I really hope you all had good rests, because whilst reading this I sincerely did cry. I cried because I actually felt loved and enjoyed LGBT+ company for the 1st time in many odd years.I don't know how to express my gratitude towards you, But by saying Thank You...I may not know you all but I........I love You! (*hug*) P.S: resu, I am not South Indian, The word Dravidian I include in my username, originates from the sci-fi hit series Doctor Who. The Carrionites were a species of humanoids which used word-based science or "witchcraft" to reshape reality.In the episode: The Shakespeare Code: The Carrionites knew of a race in the so called inspired play, Love's Labor's One. The pair of lines stated : "The light of Shadmoch's hollow moon doth shine ; Onto a point in space betwixt Dravidian Shores" . But, I appreciate all of your help and your references, Thank You, again!
