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Accidently came out to best friend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by lannister_dragon, Dec 30, 2013.

  1. Hey guys..... well I can't believe the mess I got myself into. I accidently came out to my best friend of over 20 years after many drinks. Of course I told him I was bi but in reality i'm leaning more towards men.

    He said he's cool with it but I feel like our friendship will never be the same again. :bang:
     
  2. Plutanan

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    There's not too much to go on, but I think that anyone who is your friend for 20 years will still be comfortable around you.

    I'll say that when I told my friend, things were different between us for awhile. (In my case, my best friend is female though.) I felt worried about. But now, a few months later, our friendship is probably at the strongest it's ever been.

    So, I don't know if you'll have trouble now, later or (hopefully) never, but if something should come up, good friends don't go or diminish the friendship.

    Best of luck and we're always here when you need us :slight_smile:
     
  3. resu

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    Yes, I think by now your friend should have accepted you as you are whatever your orientation. It would be very unusual for him to just reject you for this one thing. However, he may still go through the same shock and "grieving" process that many people experience when they didn't anticipate someone coming out. Just tell him you're the same person you always were, just now he knows you better than almost anyone else.
     
  4. Sorry to not have given more details than that. I'm still in shock really, we've always been close buddies. We've always been there for eachother no matter what but this is a big bomb to drop on him... but I secretly feel happy that I've told him. Now I'm just afraid that our friendship will die. He's expressed in the past how disgusted he feels about the idea of 2 men being together.

    I came out to my first gf back in highschool but at the time I had used that as an excuse not to sleep with her if that makes any sense. Now today, being 25 I'm tired of living a lie. It's slowly killing me inside!

    ---------- Post added 30th Dec 2013 at 08:35 PM ----------

    Thanks for the replies dudes. It feels great being able to vent on here.
     
  5. resu

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    Sometimes people who seemed homophobic in the past will change their minds once the issue becomes personal for them. People aren't born to hate.
     
  6. Yossarian

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    Your friendship may never be the same again, but it might be better, now that he knows that you are gay and that he has liked a gay person for 20 years, so there must not be anything wrong about being gay. He may have expressed disgust with two men being together out of ignorance about what that means. People tend to focus on sexual issues rather than the notion that two men together are just two people who love and care about each other, the same way that two hetero people care about each other. You will change his experience about what it means to be gay, and he will only see you with another guy as a close friend, not as a sex partner; that part will be private between you and your partner.

    SO, don't think of this as a "big bomb" you have dropped on him. Think of it as reaching out to him with a new level of trust in him. He has the opportunity to respond back as a friend, or as a homophobe. You are going to find out something about him, in the way he responds to what you have told him. Whichever way it goes, you are going to be free to be yourself around him if he stays, and that will make your friendship even stronger, or rid you of someone who was only friends with someone who was a fictional character you were playing. I suspect he will hang with you if he is worth having as a friend, and he probably is.
     
  7. Again, thanks for the replies guys... it's really appreciated. :icon_bigg
     
  8. KyleD

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    I think this can only strengthen our friendship. :slight_smile:
     
  9. SemiCharmedLife

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    He may be surprised right now but as long as he didn't run like hell the second you told him, there's no reason to fret how things will turn out in the long run.
     
  10. I'm not sure Kyle.... I sure hope so. I'm already super confused as it is, losing my best friend would be too much. Its already different between us. I shouldnt of even said anything to him, I have no idea what I am
     
  11. SemiCharmedLife

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    Is there anyone in your life you think you can trust with all of this? Before I started coming out, I talked to one of my old college roommates who's gay, and he's been a really good friend to me. If you can think of someone in your life who you know will be supportive (and they don't have to be LGBT themselves), it can be really helpful to talk to them as you're processing stuff. And of course all of us at EC are here for you too.
     
  12. Hey biwinning. Nah, not really. I don't have many people that I can trust with this. I live in a closed minded small town and everyone knows eachother here. My friend is barely responding to my texts now so I'm feeling down
     
  13. Etak

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    Hey, I kind of know how you feel. When I told my friend that I like girls, her first fear was that I was crushing on her. Once I assured her that that was definitely not the case, she was a little better about it. Things haven't been quite the same since I told her. She always acts a little funny if I mention liking girls. But she's still my best friend, and she's still there for me. So no, things aren't exactly the same, but it's worth it to not be hiding it any longer. If you and your friend are as close as you made it sound, you'll make it through this. Yeah, it'll be different. But you're being honest now, so that's always for the best.
     
  14. Thanks for sharing Etak. I'll just give it time then...
     
  15. I guess it will take time for him to accept it, he's now completely ignoring me. I can't be mad at him either right? I pretty much screwed up our friendship because of some stupid drunken confession. This is driving me nuts and just wish that everything would go back to normal. I'm also starting to wonder if he'll start telling all our other friends about me.

    What a way to start a new year... :bang:
     
  16. Randy

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    Just give him time to mull it over. I'm sure he's in quite a shock right now. Some take a day to let it settle and others it takes longer. As said above, he's been your friend for 20 some years, this in no way should affect your friendship after being good friends for that amount of time. Also, a good friend would not tell other people about what another told another in confidence.
     
  17. I guess you're right. Thanks guys, I'll just wait and see what's going to happen.
     
  18. Just a quick update, my friend is still ignoring me and it's the first time since highschool that we haven't spent new year's together. I'm just feeling sad. However, his fiance kept texting me asking why I wasn't there, she really wanted me to be there... I just didn't feel comfortable being around him.
     
  19. Etak

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    Did he not invite you, or did you just not feel comfortable showing up? It sounds like you need to get in touch with him again, and see what's going on.
     
  20. I was invited before my drunken confession, he's been ignoring me for 2 days now so I wasnt comfortable going