First off, a bit about myself. I'm 18, female, and asexual. I've never been in a relationship before, nor have I ever found anyone attractive or wanted to be in one. Whenever a friend or family member starts talking about how I should get a boyfriend, I simply reply, "I'm not interested in getting one right now." It's an acceptable answer, and I can pretend easily enough that my standards are high and I haven't found anyone yet - which I've been doing for a couple years now. I'm still young, and it works. But I'm a bit worried about the future. It's pretty clear that my parents are expecting me to get married and have children later in my life. My mother has even said that she would try to find a suitable man for me if I couldn't find one myself - although the ultimate decision is still mine, of course. I joke with her that I'm not considering marriage yet, it's too far off. And to be perfectly clear on this, I find the idea of sex kind of...disgusting. Other people like it, but that's their business, and I don't judge. However, sex is not something I would ever want to do. So, I think that perhaps I should come out to my family and friends. But there's a lot of discrimination out there - studies say that asexuals are the most discriminated against group, even by other LGBT people, because our lack of sexual preference makes us seem...less than human. Some people make unwelcome advances claiming that asexuals 'just haven't experienced it yet,' or that asexual is just another label that shouldn't actually exist because there's too many. Obviously, I'm not particularly keen on dealing with these reactions. I think my brother would be fine with me coming out. I have no idea how my father will react. However, I know for a fact that my mother is close-minded and traditional when it comes to sexuality. She disapproves of gay people without fully understanding them, despite how often my brother and I have tried to tell her otherwise. My brother once had a gay roommate, and she would secretly ridicule him behind his back. I don't think she would ever truly accept that I am asexual, and I don't want her looking at me weirdly, or say I'm just lying. She has already said a couple times in an offhand manner that people who never want to be in a sexual relationship are abnormal freaks, and that hurt me deeply. I feel like keeping my asexuality a secret wouldn't be too bad. Sure, I pretend to agree with my friends when they say 'I'd tap that.' Yeah, I lie that I simply haven't found a guy who is good enough yet - and I'll probably have to keep lying like that for the rest of my life. Yes, I do feel a bit guilty turning down every decent guy who shows interest in me, and lying when he asks 'Why don't you like me?' But I feel like all this is better than dealing with the discrimination and rejection that I would get, especially from my mother. Should I really come out? And if so, to whom? How? Thanks in advance.
You don't really have to "come out" at all. That is necessary only if you are in the market for a mate and need to put up a sign saying "this is the kind of person I am interested in, this is who I am". All you really have to do is ... nothing, just what you are doing right now. You are neither a freak, nor are you homosexual, you have no sexual preference, so you are not gay and not straight. Therefore there is nothing to come out "as". All you have to do is continue to say that you aren't interested in dating at this time, and let people assume whatever they want to, which is what they are going to do anyway, no matter what you say. So, the simple answer to your question is, NO, you should not come out.
But at the same time, I'm getting tired of pretending. Usually, I would just say that I'm not interested. But it can get difficult at times, because as an asexual, I have no idea what people feel like when they say that someone is hot. I can tell if someone is well-groomed or pretty, like how you can tell a painting is pretty, but I'm never able to figure out if they are considered attractive. Whenever the topic comes up amongst my friends, all I can do is uncertainly nod along, and it feels...lonely. They start talking about their boyfriends, about their crushes, about their love life. What am I to say, when I don't understand that feeling? No one believes that I've never had a crush. "Who do you like?" "No one." "You liar." I say I've never had a boyfriend, and they cry, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I know you'll find someone soon! It's alright!" And I put on a face and keep lying. A guy starts flirting with me, and I don't realize it until it's bloody obvious, then I awkwardly attempt to send him hints that I am not interested. My friends crack dirty jokes about it afterwards...again, awkwardness, and a sort of distance in the friendship that comes with them being unaware. Sex is a big part of our society, and I feel like an outsider. I've never met another asexual in my life. I have no one to talk to this about. A lot of sexual people don't understand how you can have a relationship without sex. There's a lot of discrimination and disbelief, so I can't decide if coming out is worth it or not. Are there any other asexuals out there who could share their experiences? How the people around you reacted when you first came out?
