Hi there. I am looking for some advice, to sound off and probably some general support. I have been married for 11 years after meeting my wife 16 years ago. We have a great relationship and i consider her my rock and the one person in my life who loves me more than anything. I don't recall ever being bothered about gay feelings in the past but in the last two years I have gradually come to terms with it as I felt that something in my life was missing. My wife and I met when we were 18 at university and since then we have developed a bond that I feel will be destroyed if I reveal how I feel. I don't know if I should approach it, how I should approach it and what to say. It will destroy her and I can't handle that. We fortunately don't have any children, we are both career focused and have always been happy just the two of us. I know after doing some soul searching and being completely honest with myself I am gay. Just saying it to myself is liberating, however the fear of what comes next terrifies me. I don't want to loose her and I know that sounds selfish and unfair of me. Intimacy wise that had all but died in the past 18 months so I guess she knows something but I don't think she thinks it is what it is. I am in the dark here and don't know how to handle this. I feel like being honest will destroy my whole life and my wife's. If anyone can offer any form of support to a guy in his mid 30s who can relate to me I'd generally appreciate it. I need to take a step back out of my own head to try and focus on what I need to do. I'm a bit of a sensitive guy and not really dealing with something that I know I have to do. I have always been faithful to my wife and I know what have to do. Thanks for taking the time to listen and read. I genuinely appreciate it.
Hi Scotslad, Welcome to EC Your post didnt really mention why you think you are gay, just that you are. Did you have any inclination when you were younger? Do you find guys attractive? Im not saying you are not gay, just wondering what makes you think you are especially since you say youve never had feelings of being gay until recently Just a little about me, im 43 and married for 23 ish years. I knew i was gay when we were going out and got married but for various reasons buried it. Those feelings never completely left and for the past 2 years really started becoming overpowering. I told my wife and now we are in the beginning process of divorcing
Hi GayMarried42 Thank you for taking the time to reply. I feel like I took the first steps last night of being compelled honest and it ended up just emptying my own head as I haven't ever discussed this with anyone. In answer to your question, I did have gay feelings in my teens and early twenties, and prior to meeting my wife I did act on them, but at the time found the experience quite empty. I met my wife to be and we set up home, became best friends and everything was perfect. We had even expected to start a family as a natural progression one day, but through time and with both being successful at work it became less important. The gay feelings are and have always been there. For a long time they just didn't seem important and I was accepting that this was my level of happiness. I have come to accept that these feelings are becoming so strong. I wrote last night, very positive that I would tell her but this morning, I wake up fearful again. Scared not for me but for her as I know I am her whole world. It's almost like I have the answers but don't know how to deal with the consequences. I appreciate the safety of this forum to open and express and any advice or support is appreciated.
Hi there, I'm married in my thirties and told my wife on Friday I was gay. Hardest thing I've ever done. I like you saw my wife as my rock and never wanted to 'destroy her'. However I couldn't love with the burden if pretence, Even though she is devastated I feel liberated from and know I've done the right thing. Take your time, you have lived with this for however many years like me, make sure, you know what your doing. I'm in Birmingham
Hi Ric. Thank you for the message. It is good to speak to someone in the same headspace as me. I can't imagine how difficult it was for you, but I guess it's what I think I need to work towards. I hope u are doing ok. I'm from near Glasgow.
Oh believe me you will know how hard it is. I said the same. But I think subconsciously your working toward. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd be here today Happy new year.
In these type of situations, I always think the wrong focus is whether or not it'll hurt the other person in question. Sometimes the truth is painful, and we like to think that by hiding it we are protecting those we love. Yet, that does not change the underlying truth. In fact, I believe that when we hide things like this other problems begin to manifest as a result. You mention that you really haven't been intimate with her in over a year. How do you think she is handling that? What do you think is going through her mind? Our feelings and the truth don't go away simply because we don't speak them. They're always there in the background, even when we try to suppress and ignore them. So, I think this is the proper question to ask: If you were in the position of your wife would you want to know the truth? No one can promise you that your wife won't be hurt, and that it won't bring about an end to what you both have together. However, there have been situations where both people were able to maintain a very close bond and friendship even after the marriage ended. There is nothing inherent in this situation that means you both have to leave the marriage on bad terms where you both lose the bond and love that you do share. How things play out is largely up to your wife's personality, emotions, and values. However, you also have a large influence on events. My advice to you is to find a LGBT supportive therapist who has experience in working with people in coming out and especially those who have been in straight marriages. Having a professional there helps give you an objective point of view, and work through your own feelings, fears, and concerns. It also provides an opportunity to eventually include your wife, so that you both can work on those things together (assuming she is willing, of course). If she's willing to go to those sessions and work through her own feelings - in particular the sense of grief that she may experience - then that increases the chances that you both could end the marriage on amicable terms. One thing going for you is that you don't have children. That's a huge complicating factor in these types of situations that you don't have to worry about. Welcome to EC. As you already see, there are a lot of people who are in the exact same situation as you, who are currently going through the process of coming out right now, and those who have already gone through it. You're going to find a place of support here.
Better late than never! Here's a recent article on the subject: When A Heterosexual Spouse Comes Out As Gay: 10 Surprising Reactions
Happy new year to you Ric. Aldrick, I appreciate what you have said. I think sometimes I need to take myself out of my own head and try and imagine if the roles were reversed. I think I do need an element of support from somewhere to take things forward. The fear and unknown factor for me is huge though, I just don't know how to take things forward. I feel kinda lost.. I have only been here a day but already don't feel like I'm isolated in this. I appreciate the responses.
Believe me once you make that step you won't be afraid any more.. It's just hard making that first step I felt the exact same way! Your not alone! You will never be alone!!(&&&)
