Afraid of Facing Reality

My name is Bryan, I'm 17 years old, and I'm bisexual. I had my first sexual experience with a guy when I was 13 years old. I didn't have my first sexual experience with a girl until I was 15. I'm writing here because I need help. Advice from anyone because I feel so lost and alone and scared about coming out.

I should start by saying that I'm a very positive person and I'm very grateful that every aspect of my life is very successful. I'm blessed with an abundance of good health, love, money, family, and friends. However, in many ways I feel like a hypocrite because I always give others the advice that no matter what people think you should be yourself, meanwhile here I am afraid of what others will say about me should they find out I was bisexual.

Now I've come out to two friends, both girls, and that wasn't the end of the world. But when I came out to them as bisexual, I was more in the experimental phase as opposed to really being certain that I was bisexual, so it was sort of easy in context to tell those two friends.

My mom, through an embarrassing story, stumbled upon me in a situation where I had to in a way come out to her because it was obvious I was showing an attraction towards men. It was so scary having to explain myself. I cried like I've never had too before because I was so afraid to admit it. My mom is fairly open minded but at times prior to when I had to confess my attraction to men, she had told me she thought people who were bisexual were confused... which was so unusual to me because she had nothing wrong with gay people. She called bi people sick in the head. Now my father didn't find out about this incident and I made my mother promise she would never mention it to him because he would just about kill me if he found out I liked men. He is very homophobic and I am so scared of knowing what he would do if he found out. My mom walked away thinking I was in a phase... and I could tell she was still very against it.

So now, a few months after the incident with my mom and having to explain my attraction to men to her, I'm really in a position where I can't help my feelings but I'm so afraid of what my family will think of me. I'm not so much afraid of what my friends will think because they are just friends after all; but family is family. I've come to terms with my sexuality but I want to be able to have a boyfriend if I want to, not just a girlfriend without having to say, hide it from my friends and family.

I'd like to add a more personal note and say that the last few months since the incident with my mom during encounters with both guys and girls, I've suffered impotence as a result of my fear of ... facing the realities of my sexuality. As you can see this is taking more of just an emotional toll on me now.

I'm at a point where I need to say something and I've got no one to turn too. Any advice and support in coming out to my family would be excellent... I've cried endlessly tonight before I started writing this post. Thank you for reading and helping.