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Is it unfair to come out to my parents after I get into a relationship?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MightNeedThis, Jan 2, 2014.

  1. MightNeedThis

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    Hello EC Community,

    So, I've started to come out to most of my friends and my sister, but I'm petrified to come out to my family, especially my father. I told my mom years ago that I was curious and she seemed at least okay with it. I know she wouldn't cut me out or anything, just that she might need a bit more of an adjustment period. She's pretty religious, despite the fact that we don't go to church ever, really, but she prays every night for us while she's waiting to be hit by sleep. When I told her I might be at least half gay she just said to me "I don't think you're going to go to Hell". Oddly enough, that was kind of exactly what I needed to hear from my mom. My siblings and I all have gay friends, and she loves them so I know she'd just need to adjust to the idea of me dating both sexes, but she'd probably be good with it after the adjusting period.

    My father, though, has no idea, and I'm not sure how he'd react. I know he doesn't hate the community, but he seems to look down his nose at us. I'm not sure if he's joking and i'm being overly sensitive or if it's genuine, and I think that is why I'm nervous.

    So, with all this running in my head I haven't told either of them that I'm [hopefully] going on my first date with a girl soon. I'm thinking about waiting until I'm in a relationship or something like that, but I'm not sure if that is just waiting too long, especially for my mother. She and I have always been super close and she's rarely in the dark about anything, but part of me is worried that I'll decide that after all this I'm straight and I don't want to potentially add stress on my family if I don't have to.

    So, opinions? Sorry for being so wordy.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    I'm reminded of David Furnish, the Canadian who married Elton John. Not only was he in that relationship when he came out, he said: "and by way I'm with Elton John"...

    I can't imagine the reaction of his parents, LOL, but it certainly seals the deal!

    The advantage of being in a relationship already, to my mind, is that it is a fait accompli. It's as real as it gets. Shocking? No doubt, but you have someone to support you during the process, and you only have to come out once.

    By "coming out once", I mean that it's one thing to come out as gay or whatever label, but it's all so abstract and subject to debate (it's a phase, you'll grow out of it, it isn't real, it's just a fantasy, blah, blah, blah). Once another human being is involved, that's a whole different animal.
     
  3. EleanorHunter

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    I was told by my parents that coming out by saying I'm dating someone of the same sex is a little too shocking, and a big bomb to drop. They claimed it would've been unfair of me to wait until I was dating a girl to finally come out to them.

    Personally, I think it depends on the situation. Like greatwhale said, dating someone makes it as real as it gets. There really isn't much doubt in people's minds at that point. On the other hand, it could be blamed on the person you're dating. I'm pretty sure the last thing anybody would want is for their significant other to get dragged into that kind of an argument. There are pros and cons for coming out sooner and waiting for a relationship. I guess you have to see which one would work for you, or which one you'd feel more comfortable doing.

    As for your dad, he might not look down on the community any longer when he fully realizes you're a part of it. You never know, people can change their minds. I do hope everything works out for you!
     
  4. willycubed28

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    Here is the thing. I am a firm believer that you do whatever makes you more comfortable. If you would rather come out after you are in a relationship then that is more than okay, or if you would rather do it before then that is also okay. Do not put rules on yourself, because you never know when something is going to happen and it might change. I say go with your instinct. Follow your heart, and do what is right for you.
     
  5. BookDragon

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    I'd like to cut your title down a bit to this:

    "Is it unfair to come out to my parents" to which the answer is, hell no!

    Because let's be fair, it doesn't matter if you're in a relationship or not, because you're telling them that you are bisexual, not just that you are dating someone. If you weren't dating someone, you would still be bisexual.
     
  6. Lexington

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    I'd say the problematic part would actually be with your currently-hypothetical girlfriend. She'd have to deal with the stress of you coming out (or vacillating on coming out - I've seen a lot of people "change their mind" about coming out once the once-believed-to-be-far-off event suddenly became a reality). She might also have to deal with your parents believing that she "made you gay". If you DO come out to your parents after getting into the relationship, make sure you take HER feelings on board. Don't bring her over and do a big dramatic reveal, hoping her presence will temper any would-be negative responses. That ain't nice to do to her. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  7. Mathnskating

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    I recently came out to my friends and stuff. I never planned on doing that. It took falling in love with a woman for me to finally realize that I was attracted to women. Basically I had to be beaten over the head with it. I have friends who had suspicions years ago.

    So, when I told my family, I basically said, "So... My best friend and I are kind of dating now..." and everyone just sort of went "FINALLY". I guess the point is, everyone is different. I had to be in a relationship before I told anyone anything, because I was in some real denial. Do what is most comfortable for you. I wouldn't recommend putting another person in the middle, but it is possible that the support of relationship will make the process a bit easier.
     
  8. Shy825

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    I understand where your coming from. I am still in the closet from my family. I really want to come out as its getting too much to bear by myself.

    I only recently felt strong emotions to come out because I fell in love with another guy. Although he turned me down so I am not dating :frowning2:

    But I really want to wait until I am dating before I come out.
    So that it will be like hey I am gay and recently started dating this guy. Or at least wait until I have been intimate with another guy.

    I think its because I need to assure myself that I am gay with some physical experience instead of just my emotions. As I will end up feeling depressed knowing that my family know I am gay but knowing myself that I have no gay experiences and behind in life...if you know what I mean?

    goodluck!
     
  9. MightNeedThis

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    Wow! So many responses! Thanks guys! Sorry my responses took so long, it's been busy.


    Omg didn't know that about Elton John's partner, that certainly would be a shock!! But I think you're right about it being as real as it is, I'm petrified of being questioned since I feel like I can be easily swayed one way or another by my parents. But like a few people have said here, now I'm worried about the strain it would have on my [presently hypothetical] girlfriend. I hadn't ever considered that before...


    They told you that? Definitely something I'll be keeping in mind... My dads health is pretty bad as it is, I don't want to stress him out any more! haha.And i hope he'd change his mind once he finds out... Or at least shut his trap.


    Thank you :slight_smile: Honestly, that is very, very helpful. Instincts are important. Nerves aren't.


    When you're right, you're right! Guess I never looked at it that way. I guess my though process is just "with a girlfriend they can't deny it"

    I never thought about my parents blaming her, but you're right, that's a very big possibility with my family, especially my father :/ Though I wouldn't ever take her along, I wouldn't want to make it awkward for her at all. But yeah, the presently-hypothetical gf would have some issues i didn't even consider... Thanks, Lex, i can't believe i didn't even think of her.

    Hm. You give me a lot to think about. Glad to hear your friends were so supportive, though!! You sound like one of my best friends from work.

    I know exactly what you mean. Can we be best friends?
     
  10. Idris

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    I came out to my mother and brother twice while I was dating my close female friend. My counselor had told me that it might help to get my mom to realize that I wasn't straight and thought that it might help her to face it. To be honest, it didn't help much for me, as since my friend and I officially ended things, my mom pretends that me dating a girl never happened. And my brother, although he was initially supportive, also seems to do the very same thing. But I do know if I do find a local relationship with a girl, I will try again, but this time, I'm going to keep it private for a bit due to the fact my last relationship was technically an on again off again relationship.
     
  11. mbanema

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    I don't think it's necessarily unfair -- everyone has their own reasons for not coming out and has a different relationship with their parents -- but I would feel really badly with my parents finding out that I had been hiding someone important to my life from them like that. I know that the possibility of me being gay is something they've probably dreaded for a long time, but while they'd be disappointed, I think they'd feel really hurt to know that I lived a secret life behind their back.

    On the other hand, having that special person might provide you with both the courage and motivation you need to come out and also support through a potentially difficult moment. Do what feels right to you (and make sure your potential girlfriend is truly okay with you not being out if you decide to go down that path).