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What should I do first?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Mace, Jan 2, 2014.

  1. Mace

    Regular Member

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    To start with, I would like to wish you all a very happy 2014!

    Now back to my question. I am a 43 year old man, who knows that he is gay for 20 years now. I reconciled myself to that fact, but didn't accept it. Being gay is one thing, but acting like one is something different. Religion was one factor in this, but more important was the knowledge I would "loose" part of my family and friends. I was to stay single the rest of my life, end of story. To some of you, this might sound a little sad, but, really, it wasn't that bad. Despite everything I have had a happy and fulfilling life.

    Recently some things have happened in my life that have changed the way I am looking at things. To keep the post short, I skip the details. I have come to the conclusion that being gay is part of who I am and that I should do something with that. So I would like to become active in the gay "scene" (horrible word by the way).

    But now, I don't know what to do. What is better, first come out to family/friends and then start my actively gay life or the other way around? My fear is that when I find out that an openly gay life does not bring me what I am looking for, there is no way back. My relationship with family/friends will surely be damaged and I will stay behind emptyhanded.

    On the other hand, words travel fast and I would hate it when family/friends would find out I am gay, not coming from me. That would make the situation even worse.

    Maybe there are people who had similar doubts. How did it work out for you?

    Your advice is much appreciated! Sorry for any misspellings, but I am not a "native speaker"
     
  2. TheUglyBarnacle

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    Thank you! A happy 2014 to you, too! :slight_smile:

    I am far from an expert as I am much younger so make sure to take what I have to say with a grain of salt. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    I think you should do whatever you feel more comfortable doing. Coming out is a process for most people, not a one-time thing. My coming out took me a year and it's still ongoing. You don't have to tell everyone at once, unless that's what you really want. You can ease out of the closet, no need to rush.
    Also, the "gay scene" is probably more than what you expect. Yeah, the gay bars, the drag shows and all are definitely part of it but there's more. I don't know where you live and I am aware that in many places what I am about to say is improbable to find (my own country would be a great example) but there are gay book clubs, lesbian choirs, queer activism groups, etc that you can join if you want to immerse yourself in in the community but feel like the "scene" is not for you.
     
  3. Yossarian

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    I don't think there is any universal "better" in terms of who you come out to first, unless you feel that not telling your family would cause problems with them for not including them in your initial disclosure. Once you tell people that you are gay then you are out for good, whether you like the gay "scene" or not. But, if that is what you are then that is probably how they should continue to regard you, whether you are gay and reclusive or gay and very publicly out. The only important thing is be sure before you make your declaration.
     
  4. Mace

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    Thanks folks!

    @theuglybarnacle
    Of course, gay life is more than bars and drag shows. Thanks for reminding me. Gay activity groups are most certainly an option I need to consider.

    @yossarian
    You are completely right, I need to be absolutely sure before I make a next step. But that makes it so hard!:bang:

    Any other comments are appreciated!
     
  5. WeAreYoung

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    Hi there :slight_smile: Happy 2014 to you too!
    So true that "being gay is one thing but acting like one is something different". You deserve to be able to live your life being who you are, it's unfair how hard that can be though. Obviously yes, you need to do whatever you feel most comfortable with and what feels right for you. Do you have any friends/family members that you feel would be accepting that could be the first people you come out too? I'll be honest, rejection is one of the worst feelings in the world but if there's someone that has your back it makes it that bit more bearable.
    It might not seem like it by the way, but even the most homophobic of people can sometimes turn it around and support you in the end. My dad is one of them. Stick around on this forum if you need it, there are some really awesome people and it helps :slight_smile: