I'm so afraid, it's eating away at my soul

Whether or not we're going to hell, heaven, or what happens after death is debatable. However, it's a fact that we all die, and except for one(maybe) guy we don't get to be resurrected for a second chance. I'm not trying to knock your religious beliefs, I'm just saying that you need to be happy. If you spend all your life trying to make others happy(including God, I guess) and you are personally miserable all the time you'll regret it. At least, that's my opinion/experience. I hope you find a sense of peace with yourself soon, you being gay is not your fault, your family's fault, or God's fault. It simply is who you are.

Please don't self-harm though. I do know what that feeling is like, although I never self-harmed, I struggled with suicidal thoughts for awhile. These types of thoughts and actions never do any good. I know it's hard right now, but you have to know that you are worth it. (*hug*)

 

I feel helpless when people are about to ruin their happiness because of religion.

Consider at least finding a LGBT friendly church. *hug*

 

Therapy in general sounds like a great option for you. A counselor can help you express what you are feeling, understand it, and move past it. I think you should definitely, definitely look into it- you need to get to a healthier place, mentally and emotionally, and this could help.

I was never a Catholic, so I don't know exactly what you a dealing with, but I did have religion-based anxiety for a long time. Here are some things you might want to consider:

You are using God to invalidate your existence. You are placing what COULD be his thoughts above your own- you are trying to live his life instead of your own. This might sound crazy, but unhealthy relationships with God are remarkably similar to unhealthy relationships with parents and romantic partners.

You're thinking about philosophical fundamentals, right? What is good, what is evil, where do I fall on that spectrum? You need to reevaluate your definitions. How did you come to value them so much- someone told you that God made them, right? But you can't be sure if they are right about that or not. Putting aside God for a moment, remember that YOU are the most important entity in your life. You are the only factor in this world that you can be sure of; I think, therefore I am: YOU EXIST. Think about what you know of yourself, without anyone else's system of judgement imposed on you, and think about what makes sense based in that. Would loving a man be wrong for you if it makes you feel right like loving a woman doesn't? Take a moment to build your own philosophy, based on what would make what is inside of you happy with your life. You've said that it doesn't make sense that God would create you only to make you inherently "bad"; if that is true (it is), then he must not have made you inherently bad- being gay is okay!

After you consider what makes sense to you (what you think matters! What you feel matters! Don't invalidate that!), consider looking into other interpretations of your religion that fit that personal philosophy, because if a religion makes you feel the way you do, it is not working.

This is a logical, extremely well-researched interpretation of the Bible that does not condemn homosexuality; it's long but I think it will help you: TRANSCRIPT/TRANSLATIONS

Sorry if this is vague and rambling; it's hard for me to express what I want to convey to you.

---------- Post added 16th Jan 2014 at 03:03 AM ----------

Just want to add something: I have an anxiety disorder and was diagnosed with OCD when I was young (had all the symptoms, grew out of it). I don't have Aspergers or major depressive disorder, and I don't know if you are taking anything now, but I know that- for a lot of people, if not all- taking medication to relieve the physical symptoms of those disorders can really, really help your quality of life.

 

I was raised Catholic and Lutheran also. I grew up learning the same things and have had a strict family also. However, that doesn't make me think that I'm not going to be loved because I'm gay. I believe that God would truly love any person no matter what. If you accept that God is the one and only higher power, pray, and believe in him, you will be saved. I believe that you don't need to go to church or read the bible to be a good Christian, you just need faith. Sure, going to church or reading the bible may help with your beliefs and enlighten you, but it doesn't make you a better Christian. God knew from when he created you that you would be gay - that was his choice, or your choice. I believe that people are created for a reason, and the fact that people can be judged or sent to hell because of who they love is crap. God loves everyone no matter what, and he will always love you - remember that.

 

I don't know titles off the top of my head, but if you go to the PFLAG website you can find a list of books to help with homosexuality and religion. It should be under "suggested reading". Maybe give some of those a look, that will probably help you.

 

Don't focus on the "sexual practices" being a "sin", focus on the idea of a loving relationship between you and another man who feel deeply committed to each other. You were created to be whatever you are; you are not a "mistake" or some kind of crime against nature. If the religion you were raised with is trying to tell you that you are, find one that accepts you as you are and tells you that you aren't; there are plenty of them out there, and you are not bound by the one your parents chose for you. You are an adult and can make your own choices, including not being "religious" at all. One can look around the world and see the damage, wars, and destruction that differing religions have caused; don't let one that does not suit who YOU are make your life distressed and miserable.

 

I can only echo a previous post...

Go to a PFLAG meeting, or a gay-welcoming church. Or find out about one from the other. Use those resources to get a reference or two for good counselors/safe places. And start talking about how you're feeling. But if you've actually started to think about suicide as an option, you need to do something now. Too many lives have been lost to this.

Christianity comes in many forms, and even Catholicism no longer takes the Old Testament as literal truth.

I'm an old fart who's trying to come out of the closet just now, at my age. But I've seen the damage that situations such as yours can do.

 

Brad

I shared your fears for a long time after I realised that I am gay. I am also a Christian (not the radical type!) I know where my salvation comes from and from where I draw strenght.

This I can tell you, from experience. From so many conversations with God. We pray to a God with more mercy and love that we can ever begin to imagine! We might not be able to understand it every day but take a step back and open your eyes for the small things where His love shines through. Dont ever allow yourself to be judged by mortals.

Praise to God for his Love is limitless.

 

Brad, I have also been there. And it also reached a stage were I thought I was cursed and deranged. But it is all part of the discovery process. What you need to do is try and find someone special. Now I also know from experience that this is not as simple as buying a happy meal but it is something that you need to be patient about and yet also persue. Because if you can find a decent intimate friend he will help you doscover who you are.

Give yourself a bit more slack buddy love yourself a bit more. You have come a long way already.

 

As "The Verse" is in Leviticus, it is Torah territory and has been wrestled with in the Jewish Orthodox context as well as the Christian. Nevertheless there is a book written by a modern orthodox rabbi who happens to be gay who has written a very good analysis of the basis of that text: Wrestling with God and Men by Rabbi Stephen Greenberg.

His conclusion is that "The Verse" is mainly at the level of ritual prohibitions and that the bible is otherwise silent on the question of homosexual relationships outside of the ritual context.

If you are going to adhere to religion, the only way out is to immerse yourself even more deeply in the issues and arguments.

It's the only way "out".

 

I was also raised in a Catholic home and I can relate to that kind of religious struggle. I no longer practice Catholicism and I'm not sure what I believe when it comes to God and religion but I believe that if all love really does come from God than denying yourself a love he allows you to find, be it a heterosexual or homosexual one, would be more displeasing to him than letting yourself fall in love.
If that's not reassuring enough, in the catechism of the Catholic Church it states that only being in the state of mortal sin can send someone to hell. To be categorized as mortal sin you need three things: grave matter, complete consent, and full knowledge. If you are unsure of homosexuality being a grave sin or not, even if it is, (which I do not believe it is) you are exempt from full knowledge. check out the link starting at 1857 Catechism of the Catholic Church - Sin
Also, keep in mind the Catholic Church has admitted that it was wrong about Galileo so who's to say someday it won't admit to being wrong about homosexuality as well?
I wish you all the best

 

I don't think you're so messed up in your head, though you may be letting religion and societal expectations mess with your head. I was raised in Orthodox Judaism, and was taught that we do not need an intermediary to talk to God. "Rabbi" means "teacher," not "preacher." I've left religion behind now, except for some cultural stuff, but that lesson sticks with me.

I think that too many of us think of sex and love as complicated issues that need a lot of sorting out. And I think it is, in the sense of figuring out what/who/how you love, and what gender you're attracted to/identify as. Figuring that out, and then admitting it all to ourselves, is the really hard part. After that, it's all so simple. This is who I am. This is the kind of person I'm attracted to. This is the kind of plumbing that gives me the greatest joy and physical fulfillment.

I cannot believe, if a god exists, that it would hate us for living our lives by being true to ourselves, by living authentic lives.

And I meant what I said in an earlier post... If you are really thinking about harming yourself, please, please, please, get some help. Call a crisis hotline, go to a PFLAG meeting, find a counselor who will help you sort all this out (not someone who wants to fit you into a preconceived box). I'm sure others here share my feelings when I say that I'm worried for you. The world needs you in it.

 

Don't feel so bad, I'm a Catholic too plus I'm dating a guy who has no idea that I like girls. People say it gets better so it probably will for both of us.