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Coming out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Emilyxo, Jan 3, 2014.

  1. Emilyxo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hello,

    I'm new here :slight_smile:, I'm a bit stuck on how to come out, so I was wondering if anyone could give me any advice.

    I'm a 20 (nearly 21) year old girl from England. I know I'm gay, I'm attracted to girls, certainly more than boys, although I don't think I'm ready to self define as a lesbian just yet, part of me thinks this is because I don't want to close doors for myself, if I happen to fall in love with a man, then I fall in love with a man (I'm not even sure if that makes sense), part of me feels that it may be that I'm scared to say 'I am a lesbian', I don't know why, it just seems a bit daunting. Again, I’m not even sure if that made sense, sorry! Does anyone have any advice on how to work through this? In terms of myself it’s not something I feel the need to do, but I do kind of feel like it would make coming out easier?

    I've come out to one friend so far, it wasn't something I planned, we were just talking and he asked me why I’d never said I found guys attractive, I told him ‘I’m bi but prefer girls to guys but I don’t really know’, although it was more of a massive word vomit than anything coherent.

    I do feel ready to come out to friends, not so much family just yet, but I live away from home for uni so I don’t feel like it’s something I need to do at once, I’m just struggling on how to do it.

    I have a really strange mix of friends, some are friends who are studying my course, some (who I probably see more often) are considerably older than me (I’m very involved in politics, so many are members etc in my local area). I know that they’re all incredibly LGBT supportive so I don’t fear any negative reactions.

    I’m really struggling with how to approach the topic, I don’t feel like it’s something I feel able to start a conversation on, I’d much rather it be brought up by someone else and I can drop it in (I’m sure it wouldn't be a big deal for anyone, and it wouldn't really be a long conversation), probably wishing for too much here! I think there might be an opportunity, especially with friends I've met through politics to bring it up when equal marriage is officially legalized in March (I wasn't quite ready to bring it up when it passed the vote, but there were opportunities if I had wanted to, so I think it might be the same again). I've kind of got a mini plan to bring it up then, but I would really like to do it sooner, as I feel like I’m ready now (or really impatient).

    I also don’t know how to say it, ‘I’m gay’, ‘I’m bi’, ‘I’m lesbian’, ‘I’m not straight’? I feel as a label ‘I’m not straight’ is more appropriate, I don’t really know where I fit on the LGBT spectrum, but I said that when I came out to a friend, and I don’t think he really got it, not in a bad or judgmental way, I think he just didn't understand that labels aren't always appropriate, that I feel my sexuality is more of a spectrum, and while that is something I feel more comfortable in in myself, I didn't really feel comfortable in explaining it to others, it felt much easier to give a definite answer ‘I’m bi’ that couldn't be questioned. Does anyone have any advice on this?

    I also feel a bit old to be coming out (I know I'm not, it's just something that keeps passing through my mind), I've never had a relationship before, I guess because I was never interested in guys, believe me I really tried to be. There was chances for it to happen, just when anything stated getting 'serious' (i.e past flirting) I'd freak out and push him away. I think I always knew I was gay, I just didn't want to be.

    I guess I’m just a bit stuck, I really do want to come out, I feel like I’m not being myself like this, I've never said I’m straight, I think we just live in a heterosexual world, and everyone has assumed that because I ‘look straight’ (whatever that is) I am straight. Although coming out to my friend was fine, and he didn't judge me, I do think I picked a more difficult person to come out to as he has asked me out, and made it very clear to me and our friends that he likes me, which obviously complicates things and meant that while I don’t think my other friends will have any emotion vested in this, he did.

    Sorry if this post doesn't make sense, it’s something that I've just come to accept and I’m not really sure where to start!

    x
     
  2. baby

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2013
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    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    When I came out to my best friend, I sorta explained the situation leading up to it (how I found out, the fact that I had kissed a girl etc) I knew she supported lgbt rights so she wasn't horrified, it was still a shock to her though and she said she wished I had told her sooner