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Friend didn't take me seriously...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by HelloBby, Jan 4, 2014.

  1. HelloBby

    HelloBby Guest

    About a month ago I told my friend that I think I might be gay. It wasn't intentional, but she started talking about guys and I mentioned that I don't think I really like guys. Very bluntly, she asked if I was a lesbian. I had nothing to say but "I don't know" multiple times. I think she was trying to relate to me, so she brought up a girl crush of hers, but as she went on it was clear is was a very superficial crush. I could tell she definitely wasn't understanding where I was coming from at this point, so I tried to be a bit more serious about it.

    "I'm not sure if I'm gay or not, but all I know is that I really only want my first relationship to be with a girl at this point. I mean, I really appreciate the things in a woman that separates them from most men. Their nurturing characteristics and femininity." I went on to explain that it would really change my life if I was and that I didn't want to still be unsure of myself a year from now. She gave me a weird look and said "I mean it's not that big of a deal, you'll figure it out eventually." It wasn't as if she didn't accept that I might not be straight, but I did feel shut down.

    Now whenever we hang out she still talks about little childhood obsessions I had over certain guys and implies that I'm still into guys. I don't think she took me seriously at all and brushed it off as a phase that a lot of other girls go through. I scream internally whenever she does it, but I don't want to say anything and I can't usually because she does it in front of others.

    This experience makes me weary about bringing anything up to other friends even if I do become sure of myself. Does anybody have advice on how to deal with the situation with my friend, and how can I get people to take me more seriously in the future regarding this? I mean I probably won't end up telling other close friends that I'm unsure atm, but if/when I make that leap, I don't want to be taken like a joke. :icon_sad:
     
  2. deadmau5ftw

    Full Member

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    For the future, I personally think it is in your best interest to be 100% confident in your sexuality. I think accepting your self is the most important step in the process. Once you are 100% sure of your sexuality, it will be easier to talk about it.

    Saying "I don't know" can confuse yourself more, and have your friends question you more. If you go up to her and say I "might" be attracted to girls, it can't really be taken seriously. If you tell her "I AM a lesbian" it is much more serious.

    I think your next step should be taking some time (however long that may be) and just to figure things out! Good luck! Message me if you ever need anything! :grin:
     
  3. HelloBby

    HelloBby Guest

    Yeah, I get that. I didn't really say I wasn't interested in guys with any intention for it to lead where it had (said it more as an atm thing even though it has been 3+ years), but she caught me off guard when she asked and I didn't really know how else to respond. The conversation extended beyond this, but that was it summarized to the best of my ability. I made it pretty clear to her (I thought) that I was interested in girls romantically/sexually, but wasn't sure of anything beyond that.

    She still occasionally brings up the conversation and questions me about it in a poking fun kind of way. I really don't think she would have taken me all that seriously if I said I was 100% sure I was gay either, since I've never had a relationship of any kind and she remembers puppy crushes on boys when I was much much younger. I just feel a bit disrespected tbh. I didn't plan to tell her and don't plan to tell others until I'm sure myself, but I feel like I'm pretty close to reaching that step. Just need to clear up some conflicting feelings about it all first. I realize I said if, might, etc in my post, but it's honestly more like when, am. Just need to get over this last hump and come to terms...
     
    #3 HelloBby, Jan 4, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 4, 2014
  4. Jaybird

    Jaybird Guest

    Hey there,

    I think it's understandable that you'd feel a bit disrespected. Regardless of whether you're certain of your sexuality, you confided in her about something very personal. To have her react in that way must be feel rather invalidating. My advice would be to tell her that you're feeling this way and that you'd appreciate it if she treated your coming out with dignity and respect, as it's a very serious matter to you. There's a possibility that you might not be lesbian, yes, but there's also a possibility that you could be. But honestly, that's irrelevant at this point in time. The only thing that should matter is how you feel right now, in the moment. Everyone's questioning stage should be treated, in my opinion, with just as much respect as if you came out 100% certain of what you are. Questioning can be just as unsettling and disruptive of your life as coming out as a full-fledged lesbian, and to have someone make jokes about it, I think, is very hurtful, regardless of their intent.

    In regards to your "puppy crushes" at younger ages, there are a million reasons why those could have been. You were probably conditioned a very young age, as a lot of us are, to expect that you were going to grow up a lead a hetero-normative life. Your crushes might have reflected these expectations. I remember being very young and telling my sister that I had a crush on a guy from a TV show. Yet here I am, years later, liking girls and proud of it. I suspect I only had "guy crushes" when I was younger because that's what I thought was supposed to happen. As I got older, I realized that I could never really see myself in a relationship with a guy. So that could explain your guy crushes, or it could be some other reason.

    I hope this helps some! Best of luck!