So it's 12:25 and I'd like to tell my friend I'm gay but I don't know if it's a good idea. He's giving me mixed messages like he says things are gay as an insult and when I told him I had something big to tell him he said: "Please tell me your not gay for me becouse I get that al the time". I'm not gay for him at all but he will think that. (Plus he's spelling is horrible) he also has a cousin that is a lesbian that he doesn't have a problem with but feels awkward around her. I really don't want it to come to that and I don't want to lose him because he's basically my big brother. It's really starting to hurt me when he jokes about gays but I want him to know. I just don't know what to do? Sorry for being so late
You could just say you don't want to here gay jokes any more, and if he asks why, say it is offensive and mean. You can defend gays without being out, but if he suspects or continues being homophobic, then it might be best if you came out. How he responds will show his true colors and whether he can overcome his bias to recognize you as still a friend. If he rejects you, then so be it. Who can stay best friends with someone who hates a fundamental part of their identity?
What's the worst that could happen? Let's think about this a bit... wait... erg. Ouch. Hrm. Okay. Questions: 1. Has your friend every gotten petty revenge on someone else/shown passive aggressive tendancies? If so, might not be a good time. Passive Aggressive people are polite to your face but will back stab you even over minor slights. His statements make me wonder. 2. Do you need this friend? Which is more important, his friendship, or accepting you as who you are? It's okay to say, "I need this guy as a friend." But it's sounding like (the very fact you posted) that being his friend without his acceptance is just too high a price. 3. Will he out you? A cascading effect can happen when someone freaks. Are you prepared for everyone to know within 24 hours of telling him? Do you care? Will this put you in some sort of danger? This could be bad if your dad happens to be a Grand Dragon of the KKK, for example. I don't know your situation. You have to choose. He's hurting you, that's obvious. He shouldn't be. If you feel it's time, I suggest a simple, "Hi. I'm Gay. However, You are not my type. Consider yourself in the friendzone. Now would you mind knocking off the gay jokes? Because I'm sure you don't want me to strangle you." The fact that he's bringing it up indicates one of two realities: 1. He suspects already. 2. He's kinda messed up about his own sexuality and is testing the waters. Hence why I suggest you lead with The Friendzone. It sounds like even if he was interested, you don't like him "that way". Personally, I find coming out to men easier then women. Women freak when you are gay but look straight. Men its like: "I'm gay." "I'm Not." "Wasn't Interested." "Oh. We good?" "Yup." Done. Over. Moving on. Got a job to do. Just my personal experience, BTW. I don't know about your friend, how old he is, that sort of thing. Maturity is a big factor as well. But usually most Straight Males just want to know where the boundries are. Tell them to him, in no uncertain terms. Don't waffle. It might be your nature to come at things sideways, but he doesn't sound like a sideways approach will work. Straight on. Blunt Direct. When you pick your moment. take your time until then, but if you do choose to tell him. he sounds like a no nonsense, unemotional approach would be best.
Thanks that's really helpful I've done a bit of looking at his behavior when I told him other things, and he doesn't seem like he has passive aggressive traits but I guess tell someone your gay is a whole different scenario
I would suggest the next time he says some homohating stuff, just tell him straight up that you don't want to hear it anymore. If he asks why you're getting offensive, may as well tell him because odds are, he is totally gonna suspect you after that. And that's okay. Hell, he needs to know. If he's a true friend, he'll come around. If his initial reaction is really mean or harsh, don't take it to heart just yet. Some people have that initial response for their own reasons and they don't always mean what they say.