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Stuck

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by DanDan, Jan 5, 2014.

  1. DanDan

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    Well, it finally happened. My mom found out.
    I visited my new therapist just a few days ago, expecting the same old crap as usual.
    However, this time, the therapist (who I actually like better than my last) told me, after a few minutes into the discussion, that my mom had come in a few days earlier to tell her that my aunt had told her I was gay (the therapist said it sounded like she barely found out). How? I can only surmise two scenarios; my cousin (the only family member I had told) outed me or since my aunt was going through my facebook pics (I recall her liking a few of my facebook pics a few days ago and then it went to a stop)m one of the pics has me standing in a rather feminine pose (I mean, I guess this shows just how biased my aunt is, someone standing in a feminine pose=/=gay), so that could've led her to believe I was gay (from one freaking photo).
    Anyways, my mom had told the therapist not to tell me that she knows I'm gay because she wants me to come out on my own and that she sounded accepting. Well, that's fine and dandy, except for the fact that she's been very attached to me lately and telling me to pray more because there's bad influences at school and so that I can be free of all the anger and sadness in me (her way of indirectly saying "you need to 'pray the gay away'" since she doesn't know that I know that she knows). My take on it is that she believes I'm sad because I don't want to be gay or something along those lines (a bit too late for that since I accepted myself for who I am years ago and I don't want to fucking change)
    Idk what to do know. I'm still afraid of confronting her because I know that once I do she'll give me that "we need to fix you" bullshit. I'm afraid of hurting her by telling her I don't want to change. I'm afraid of losing my religion because I've been through too much to simply leave it behind, it's both my downfall and my only hope (so please no anti-religious replies, it will only worsen things for me). I just can't fucking deal with this anymore. Apart from all the pressures of school, wanting a bf, low self esteem, this is happening. I just wish I could wake up in my own version of paradise and never have to wake up to this crap.
     
  2. MightNeedThis

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    Hey, looks like you're in a very tough spot.

    First off, shame on your aunt. Your business is your business and I'm sorry she outed you like that to your mother. However, your mother knows now and this might be a good thing.

    Granted, I don't know your mother at all, but could it be possible that when she says she wants you to "pray away the anger and sadness" that she really means for any internal? That maybe she think you're angry and sad and just wants you to be happy?

    To me, it sounds like a talk with your mother is in order. Maybe just remind her that "gay" also means/meant "happy" and that is the perfect word for you! Regardless, you won't know what she is thinking until you talk with her. Just assure her you are happy, and regardless of what religions preach and think, Pope Francis, more like than not, is right: God is the one and ultimate judge. He wants all us Earth-dwellers to just get along
     
  3. Simple Thoughts

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    Hello.

    I'm sorry about your Aunt outing you, it's unfortunate when these things happen, but you might as well try to find the silver lining in this situation. Now that your mom knows you can just go ahead and clear the air between you and her. Maybe she'll have trouble accepting at first, but she'll get there with time I'm sure.

    Don't worry about the 'pray the gay away' stuff, she'll give up on that when she realizes it won't work. When that happens she'll just have to accept you for who you are. Religion is what you make of it really, so if you want it to be a positive influence in your life you need only view it as a positive and it'll pretty much make itself work for you :slight_smile:
     
  4. SemiCharmedLife

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    As long as she didn't throw you out of the house the second she found out, she'll come to accept it in time. And as for the religious aspect, there are LGBT-friendly congregations in just about every denomination, so you absolutely don't have to give up your religion if you don't want to.

    In the meantime, we at EC are here if you want to talk or vent. (*hug*)
     
  5. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    First, kudos for your therapist for putting the relationship with you ahead of the relationship with your mom and disclosing to you that your mom said what she did. That was absolutely the right decision and shows you have a good therapist.

    Second, I think the sooner you get it out in the open with your mom, the sooner she can start the acceptance process. Remember you've known for a while but this is (presumably) news to your mom and so she's going through the stages of loss (loss of her perception that you're straight.) Those stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance, and the not-so-subtle encouragement to "pray the gay away" are indicators of her being in the early stages (somewhere between denial and bargaining.)

    So talking to her about it will basically help her to confront and move through it. And the fact that you already have a therapist who is presumably totally supportive of you will help a lot; your therapist should be able to talk to your mom if needed and help her understand that you won't be able to "pray it away."

    As for your religion: There are many, many churches and religious people who are open and accepting of homosexuality these days, and I suggest watching Matthew Vines one-hour video (search him out on Youtube) where he provides an excellent and carefully considered presentation on why being gay isn't incompatible with the Bible and its teachings. You can absolutely have your faith and be a happy, well adjusted gay guy at the same time. :slight_smile:
     
  6. MarvinMinsky

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    How do I put this...

    I had my face sewn back on. The front of my skull is held together with space age materials and 18 screws. 24 hours in a coma. Trust me, coming out could have been a WHOLE lot worse. The fact of the matter is, it's a different age, but not that different. See, in first grade I was trying to kiss my male homeroom teacher goodbye. He freaked, told my parents. Blah Blah Blah. I got my first curb stomping a year later.

    This "it's a learned thing" is totally bogus. The signs were there for years. I'm not screwed up from being Bi, I'm screwed up by people trying to make me straight.

    Sounds like you have the mother who is very passive aggressive. Cries when she doesn't get her way? Has an imaginary friend named Jesus who she calls upon all the time? (Not to knock YOUR imaginary friend, if you have one. Hey, what ever gets you through the day. Sorry if my anti-religous bent shines through.)

    I suggest gathering "evidence". If you come out, tell her things Like:
    What Straight Guy would go and put on fishnet stocking for a play?
    I used to put on your clothes and make up when I was a kid. I never stopped.
    I sing show tunes.
    I enjoy having ****s in my mouth.

    That last one might be a LITTLE too much for mom. You might want to save that little tidbit for later.

    But this is one of those things you're either going to have to resolve yourself to hide from her or come out. I'm not saying that either choice is the right one. Heaven forbid you go through what I did. Trust me, knowing then what I knew now, I'd have found a better way to hide who I was. I know that's not the popular opinion, but it took a year to learn how to smile again, because my facial muscles stopped working. If you are afraid and don't feel safe, protect yourself. Put on an act until you get out of the house and have your own place.

    Or maybe you trust your family situation. If so, deep breath, into the breach, put on a top hat and tails, get yourself a cane, and tap dance up to the kitchen dinner table singing, "Hello my mommy, Hello my Daddy, I'm gay as the day is Loooooong! Send me a kiss by wire, Hot dudes set my heart on FIRE! If you refuse me, then you'll lose me, so accept me as I am and hug me, and tell me that your miiiiiiiiine!"

    (Joking by the way. Do not do that. It's funny, but do not do that.)
     
  7. Simple Thoughts

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    Well that was certainly a rant. You were being a tid bit on the disrespectful side, but I'm not that concerned with that.

    I'm very worried about you :frowning2:

    You seem like you've got a lot on your mind, and have had some bad life experiences.

    If you need someone to talk to you can message me anytime. I don't know the pain of getting curb stomped, but I've cringed everytime I've ever seen it happen on T.V. and I'm guessing the real life experience of it is just...*shudders*

    But like I said if you're needing someone to talk to I'm always hanging around

    Besides as an atheist you can say whatever you want to me about Jesus and I'll probably laugh right along with you :3
     
  8. MarvinMinsky

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    Paranoia runs deep, I'm afraid. I got attacked at work by my supervisor, broke down into tears, so they instantly thought, A man 6'2" 235 lbs crying at work? Must be about to hurt himself or kill everyone! CALL THE POLICE!

    So I got shipped off to the loony bin and now I'm suspended for "Suspected Mental Instability" and MY psychologist isn't good enough to get me back work. Has to be an APPROVED psychologist. Wait time? Oh, shouldn't be more then a month or two. My attacker? She's still at work. It's hard for people to imagine that someone as big as I am could be a total coward and petrified of physical conflict.

    Sorry if I'm crabby and pessimistic.
     
  9. Simple Thoughts

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    It sounds like things have been rough for you. I'm sorry that you're being treated in such a negative way. Personally, I think you should consider moving somewhere new and finding a better job. If people are torturing and belittling you at work on top of making rash decisions about your stability than you could do way better than that job anyways -.-'

    It's fine we've all been crabby and pessimistic before.