Hey. I have a few questions about identification and coming out-related stuff, but it would make more sense if I asked them in order. So my first question, I suppose, is what to call myself. I usually think "bisexual" would be the best combination of easy to explain and sort of accurate, but there are times when I wonder if I'm sacrificing accuracy or maybe precision just to be able to give myself an easily-recognizable label. The deal is this: Occasionally, I'll find myself attracted to a guy. Occasionally, I'll find myself attracted to a girl. However, this happens so very seldom that it makes it hard to get a good sample size for any sort of analysis. I'm only half-joking when I wonder whether I should keep a log of the genders of people I randomly think are cute, just so I can remember. So, yeah, there are times when I'm attracted to people, but then there are weeks or months in between where I don't notice anyone at all, so I start to wonder if I'm anything, and if it would be relevant or important to tell anyone. And then there are times when I think it doesn't matter how often I'm attracted to people, it's that when I'm attracted to people, it's to females as well as males, and this makes me bisexual, and I should have more rainbow things (up from approximately zero). The thing is that when (probably when rather than if - I think I'm going to have to sooner or later) I come out to people, I expect them to ask me, "Are you sure?" I want to be able to answer them with a definitive "Yes," and I don't want to be lying about it. Also, I don't really want to start this whole thing up before I know exactly what I'm going to say, 'cause ad-libbing about important things, like coming out would be, tends to freak me out, but I'm such a perfectionist that eventually I have to tell myself to stop. And, really, I've been running simulations of coming-out scenarios in my head for going on three years now. I should probably stop. So enough with the rambling. Here are what I see as my options: 1. I tell people I'm bisexual. Pros: It's more definitive, more easily recognizable, and I have appropriate comebacks to more of the misconceptions about it. Cons: I'd have to swallow the fine print (halfway to asexual, include self-addressed stamped envelope, must be 18 or over to apply, not valid in Maine or Puerto Rico, etc). This may make the label less accurate. 2. I tell people I'm bicurious. Pros: It accounts for the only occasional attraction to girls (though there's also the matter of the only occasional attraction to guys), as well as the fact that I've never actually had a girlfriend. Cons: Much, much less definitive. People may think I'm going through a phase/a teenybopper looking for attention. Also, there's the comeback to "How do you know you're [GLBTQ] if you've never slept with [a member of your own sex]?" (How do you know you're straight if you've never slept with [a member of your opposite sex]?) 3. I tell people I'm queer. Pros: It seems to be a pretty catch-all term, so I can put my weight behind it. Cons: The chance that people would know what this means is less than for "bisexual" or "bicurious," and it would probably be pretty hard to explain. Also, some people still think this is an insult. And, yeah, I know there are people out there who don't believe in labels. It would make things easier to go, "Hi, I'm a person; sometimes I like other people, sometimes I don't." However, it'd make it so much harder to explain, for example, why when I'm playing Life with my friend and I hit the "Married!" tile, I get uncomfortable when she automatically hands me a little blue guy without even asking, that I don't really think I want to do that. So - might anyone be able to offer advice? Questions? Comments? Flames? Thanks.
I'm just beginning to come out, and the tactic that I've used so far is to go on a sort of case-by-case basis. Possibly use the simpler label for the ice-breaker and fill in details as appropriate. Or, perhaps you could just say that you are struggling with the details at this point (as it sounds like you still are). I can't claim to have all the answers yet, but others here have suggested avoiding a label altogether, so perhaps simply relating your struggles might be the better method for the moment. At any rate, best of luck!
I know where your coming from. see I say I'm bisexual because I don't know what else to call myself I really hate labels but in this world people expect you to label yourself I say I'm bisexual instead of lesbian because I do have an attraction to guys occasionally but the ratio is probably 85% girls 15% guys and if I called myself a lesbian and then happen to like a guy people would say hey I thought you liked just girls because you said you were lesbian I don't know it is confusing and so if I MUST have a label I say I'm bisexual its just something you have to find out over time and eventually you'll figure out what to call yourself even though I think labels are stupid, people want us to have labels and if we don't they think we are going through a phase or are confused no we are not going through a phase nor are we confused theres just no words to describe how we feel at least for some of us and those who clearly know what to call themselves are lucky GOOD LUCK! Sam
Hmm. Sexuality is a tangled mess, girly. I've pretty much given up on labelling it. A couple of things, though. First off: we live in a culture that is sex obsessed. So don't stress out about it! Sexuality comes and goes and changes over the course of someone's life. What you are now can change in a few hours, or when you see that hot barrista at Starbucks, or when you move in with your first male roomie. You might find yourself attracted to more people later on, or you might just not... but living in a culture like this, it can be hard not to think you're asexual compared to other people. Me, I feel like I'm about 12 still (I'm turning 20), so sexuality is very dim and confusing. Second thing. The labels thing. I'm a prime example of the wtf section of labeldom. I'm a biologically female person who feels like a preteen bi-curious boy. I'm mostly attracted to women, but I can't find lesbians who will treat me like the intergender that I am (not touching certain parts, using certain pronouns). So I'm doubly confused, both on gender and sexuality. I agree that you should break things down depending on who you're talking to. For most non-queer people, I say that I'm a lesbian; this puts off the one category that I'm not attracted to, straight men. For close acquaintences and most queers, I try to explain the intergender part, and selectively the interested in gay men as well part. I'd advise against using 'queer' alone as a label. You almost always are expected to explain further, and it's self-defeating that way. Bisexuality also carries a certain stigma- for alot of people, it's caught up in ideas of 'polygamous' and 'loose'. I know it's not very PC to generalize, but straight men hear 'bisexual' as 'threesome', and don't seem to take female-female relationships as either serious or a threat. So that can be a real pain. I also agree with you about 'bi-curious', it's very teenage phase sounding. Um... there's a few other options, I suppose. You could go with pansexual , which means that you're gender-blind... it's alot less ugly when used with straight men. Or you could go with ambisexual which does sound a bit more fetishized, but just means that you accept your sexuality as fluid and changing. Either way... don't rush to label yourself ^^. Things change. Don't feel that you need to explain yourself or come out right away, either... I make a habit of not telling people I'm gay, just that I have a girlfriend (my girlfriend is actually intergendered, but I don't like people to assume I'm straight, so I don't use boyfriend with people who don't know me very well). I let them figure that out. In your case, you could just tell people you're looking, but don't bother censoring yourself... tell them if you see a cute girl, that also gets the point across somewhat murkily. I told you it was a tangled mess! (laughs). It's all part of being human, though... enjoy .
