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I'm am deathly afraid of coming out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ilovemylife, Jan 7, 2014.

  1. ilovemylife

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    And not for the reasons you think.
    I accept gay people 100%. I believe in equal marriage rights and everything else.
    My parents are the most accepting people I know. They will be fine. (My grandparents on the other hand won't be all for it, but I never see them anyway, so...)
    My school doesn't have a problem with gays (or so I'm aware). I have a gay acquaintance and see gays make out in the hallway without any problem.
    My friends are amazing. They will be so supportive. (Most actually think I'm gay and keep reminding me that it's alright if I am)

    So here's my problem:

    I am a 17 year old guy in high school. I have had sexual feelings for girls before. But when I think of having a girlfriend, I feel nothing. Since I can remember, however, I've liked guys. I even remember when I secretly asked my guy friend for a kiss in 1st grade. Point being, when I think of having a boyfriend, I get butterflies.
    When I see an attractive female, I think to myself "yep. I'd bang her." But, when I see an attractive guy, I think "I would love to be his boyfriend. I wonder how it would feel to kiss his lips. Yep, I'd bang him." I don't want to exactly 'come out' because if this is a phase, it will be very hard to 'un-come out'. Would it be at all beneficial to come out to a close friend? Or should I wait a little longer until I am 100% certain who I am?

    Side note:
    Nearly all crushes I've had throughout school have been boys. I can only remember 2 girls I liked. (And I'm pretty sure one of them was someone I chose in order to sound straight)

    Long story short, I don't know if I am certain I want to come out because I'm scared I will have to retract it later. But I hate acting like I'm someone I'm not (at the moment at least). Whenever someone asks me who I have a crush on, I don't want to lie.

    Any advice, anything will be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. BookDragon

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    Put it this way, even though I personally dislike the whole 'it could be a phase' mindset I would never in a million years tell you to get over it and come out! Come out when and if you feel ready to do so and ONLY then.

    One thing I will ask you, is what if it ISN'T a phase? How long do you wait before you decide it's permanent? You don't need to answer that just think about it when you get chance. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Yossarian

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    The whole point of "coming out" is to give yourself license to act on your feelings in the public view of others, and "show your colors" to others who might be interested in you. You can also interact privately with other males, if they are A) discreet, B) identifiable, and C) willing. Discreet and identifiable are at odds with each other, which makes it harder to figure out who is who, and therefore who might be "willing".

    If you need to interact publicly with other males to explore your feelings BEFORE you declare your sexuality, then there is naturally this conflict if you don't "know for sure" how you feel, because, like you said, it is hard to "un-come-out" once you have opened the closet door. In terms of what you have said, you are probably biased towards gay rather than straight. Any male can "bang" a female, produce kids, create a family, and set the stage for a whole raft of problems later if he is not really heterosexual in orientation. We can also look at women and tell the ones who seem to be immanently "bangable" from the ones who are never going to be professional fashion models; that should not be mistaken for sexual attraction at an emotional or even physical level; if it's not there, it just isn't there, no matter what she looks like.

    If you get your boners from looking at attractive males rather than attractive women, then you should probably start thinking about when you want to come out as gay to put yourself out there for dating compatible guys. How important it is to you to get this done right away is what should determine whether you want to be very cautious and discrete, or make a public announcement that opens yourself up to make finding boyfriends easier. It is pretty difficult for high school kids to keep secrets about sexuality, so consider that even if you are careful and discrete, the word is juicy gossip that will spread itself around once you start being seen as dating anyone, so if you are not ready to possibly have yourself labeled as interested in other boys (but possibly still girls too), then you may not be ready to explore your homosexuality either openly or discretely yet, because that IS what might happen. If you know that you are interested in boys and have accepted that you are, whether or not it is an exclusively male attraction, then you are ready to act at whatever pace you feel comfortable to explore those attractions. You are the only person who knows how important it is to you to act on your feelings, and thus whether you want to "come out" publicly and make it easier to find a boyfriend.
     
  4. Emberblaze

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    You sound a lot like me when I was a little younger, and still kinda like me now.

    You could probably be bisexual or you could probably be fully gay. It's evident that you obviously like guys, so let's start on that. You don't have to immediately come out just because you're questioning. Just wait it out a little and see where your feelings go.

    Have you ever actually dated anyone?
     
  5. ilovemylife

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    Thank you all for your speedy replies. It's good to hear that I am not alone in this. It's taken me a while to actually consider my feelings as 'gay'. I spent years thinking that I was just "wanting to be like them". When my first actual crush came about, I immediately said that it wasn't anything homosexual, that it was a man-crush and that I just enjoyed being with them. So when it comes to how long I've had these feelings, I've had them forever. It's making me start to believe it's not a phase.

    In response to discreetly coming out, that was the initial plan. Come out to a few friends and test the waters before I make my decision. I've been dealing with this problem (don't misunderstand me. By 'problem' I am referring to not knowing who I am) alone for way too long. I would like someone to talk to, but I don't want to accidentally seal my sexuality with anyone I know very well or not at all.

    When it comes to dating anyone, I've never actually had a "girlfriend". I've had many girls (not to toot my own horn here) ask me out and me reject them. I just didn't find them 'my type'. It baffled people that I would say no. I'm friends with one of the girls and we occasionally go on 'friend dates' (hopefully I'm not unintentionally leading her on) and get dinner somewhere.

    My friends would always talk about the girls they liked and when they asked me, I would say that I don't really like any girl at the moment. That worked for about a month. When I said that again, they replied that "everyone has a first choice even if they aren't crushing on them." Well I did have a crush, and it was a guy. Eventually I said I liked this one girl and she was my go to for about 3 years until my friends told me to just ask her out. I gave in and she said no. So I guess I dodged a bullet there. I have no idea what to do...
     
  6. biggayguy

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    Dear, I literally waited for decades for my gay phase to be over. It never happened. All that happened was I had several secretive gay episodes and felt very guilty afterward. Then I got involved with two girls up to the point of commitment at two different times. Both times ended in broken hearts and bitter feelings. Please don't wait too long on the phase.
     
  7. ilovemylife

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    Yeah, maybe you're right. I probably should have mentioned this before, but I actually did come out to my mom and it was she who told me to be 100% sure I am gay. She said her feelings for me have not changed. Just be careful. She asked me about it later, and I told her the same thing I tell my friends. Ran straight back into the closet.

    I have made the decision to if not exactly come out, then to talk about it with someone. How do I even approach the subject? If I ask someone to talk, I'll frighten them off. I don't usually hang out with people unless I'm with my nosy friend who I don't want to be the first to know. I'm way more comfortable talking about my feelings to girls than guys. I'm sure that this sort of thing is better off face to face, so just texting/calling about it won't work.

    How did you guys first come out?
     
  8. girlonfire

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    It sounds to me like you're definitely gay, especially if you were asking for kisses in 1st grade. My first attempt at coming out was terrible and to a straight person, but I did it; I basically just said "go do it now" and so I went and did it. The second person kinda just asked me if I was straight to which I said no, but she's LGBT so it was easier then. I guess just try not to think about it beforehand and it'll be fine, and if you let them know he/she is the only one that knows they will be much more willing to talk to you about stuff.
     
  9. Yossarian

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    If you just want to "talk about it", since you have already talked about it with your mother, that might be a good place to start, since she likely already knows what is going on anyway, and it will help to have that support and understanding on the home front. If you don't feel comfortable enough to talk with her, then a best friend or even better, a gay friend who you can trust, is probably also a good place for you to start, since they will already understand what you are telling them from their own perspective and may be able to offer you specific help, as well as introduce you to others in their own network of friends. You can always begin the conversation as "confused" or "questioning" and move to declaring yourself later; instant labeling is not required just to talk about your feelings.
     
  10. TheSeeker

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    You don't have to be 100% percent sure that you are gay in order to come out; you just have to be 100% sure that you're not straight. And you're not, and you know this. You can come out, and you don't have to come out a gay with, nor to do you have to come out as bi, because labels are ridiculous. Just go with the facts: You like guys. Sometimes you like girls. If you want to tell people that you're "Queer" (my favorite catchall) then you can elaborate by saying that you like guys. If they ask if you like girls you can say "Sure sometimes, maybe, but I am really not sure." The only "phase" that this is in your life is the start of a new chapter where you can be free to explore, to love and laugh without having to hide from anybody, least of all yourself. You have a right to be happy and the bottom line is that you will love who you will love. Male or Female, it does not matter. You're human, and coming out is the first step on the road to you enjoying that.

    GOOD LUCK!

    -The Seeker
     
  11. ilovemylife

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    Okay. I'm going out with one of my closest friends on Saturday (who is straight). So I plan to bring it up with her then. A part of me is extremely frightened while the other part is actually excited to finally be who I was meant to be. I really hope this is the right thing to do.

    BTW, this was the first day that I, personally, have accepted my sexuality. I really can't explain it, but I felt the happiest I've felt in forever. It's like the inner battle is over. I know, it's a bit dramatic, but that's how I describe it. :lol: thank you all for your support in helping me come to terms with that side of me.
     
  12. Lexington

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    Coming out to yourself is actually the biggest step of all. So welcome to the other side. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  13. TheSeeker

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    Very happy for you my friend, keep us posted on your journey!
     
  14. Pete1970

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    ilovemylife-

    The funny thing is i had a pinched nerve in my neck for 2 years, it was so bad i could barley move my arm. The day i accepted myself as gay, the pain went away and hasnt been back since

    The first person i told was my therapist, after i told her i actually smiled and felt happy for the first time in a long time. A coworker even asked me if i did drugs while i was away because my demeanor had changed that dramatically
     
  15. Mogget

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    From my perspective, life is a phase, not only that, it's a phase I fully expect to outgrow. That doesn't make me any less alive right now.
     
  16. ilovemylife

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    As tomorrow is approaching, I am beginning to freak out. My main concern is, how do I even bring this up to her? We are watching a movie at her place. (Her parents may be in the house too but not with us so I really should find a way to get her alone). The movie is also Anchorman so the mood will change drastically... Any advice?
     
  17. TheSeeker

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    Sure thing! I would recommend going for a walk with her, find a good excuse to get her alone. As for how to bring it up... Let me put it bluntly: there is no "perfect time" in a conversation to come out. There are very few openings that work, so if you wait for one... You'll be waiting forever.

    One thing I have found (this worked for me at least) is that actually saying "There's something I really need to talk to you about." made it much more likely that I would actually follow through instead of chickening out. It also set the tone of the conversation as well. As I said before, it gets easier, and I wish you SO MUCH luck today!! Oh my gosh, tell us how it went!
     
  18. ilovemylife

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    So I did it... Scariest feeling I've ever felt. Here's how it went down. It's going to be just a bit lengthy:

    I'm leaving my house and I immediately regret my decision. I felt scared and didn't want to do it. I drove past her house three times before I worked up the courage. I get to her house, and she introduces me to her parents (We've been friends for a while, but I've never actually went over there). Her mom definitely thought we were dating. Anyway, we head to the basement and started the movie. By that time, I was freaking out. I was close to just deciding to do it another day. But, I cleared my mind and watched the movie to take my mind off of it. Her family left mid movie, so we were alone. After it finished, we got on the topic of secrets. Perfect timing. But I still didn't want to do it. I started off very minor. But then, it started to get deep. I jokingly replied, "Oh great, now I have to reciprocate with my dark secrets, huh?" (Note: I am a closed book. I don't open up to people) She smiled and nodded. I paused. My life could change drastically after this moment or I could keep it exactly how it was.

    For background info, about two months ago, I told her that I have a hard time talking to people and asking them to hang out. She laughed because it seemed that I had a major "man crush" on this guy.

    Now back to the story. I look at her and say, "You know that man crush I have on ____".
    She put her hands over her mouth. "Yeah"
    I blushed and said, "Well...."
    She starts laughing and screams out, "F*** You, ilovemylife! Now I have to find a different turnabout date in a month!" Yep, she got the hint. I laughed and before I could reply she asks the question everyone probably gets, "is it just guys or girls too?" I was honest and said it was mainly guys, but some girls I find attractive. She laughed, shook her head and told me that this has happened to her three times already. I told her I was over _____ and had a new crush on someone else. She smiled and calmly replied, "You don't even have a good taste in guys, man." We talked for about an hour and then we headed out to a school event. As we were walking out, she jokingly tells me she hated me. The drive to the school felt amazing. A weight was lifted up off of my shoulders and I had someone to actually confide my true feelings in. People tell stories where they cried during their coming out. I was just the opposite. I was bursting with joy when I told her.

    At the school event, my friend starts bursting out laughing. I was so confused. I looked at her and she said to listen closely. Over the crowd, I hear the song Same Love. I just chuckled and shook my head. "That's a sign bud." We started to talk about how we would go about everything. Apparently everyone thought that we were dating. She said she had no intention of being my beard, but she would cover for me. And of course, guess who sat next to me at this event... Yep the guy I like. I could feel my friend smiling at me. It was a new feeling that I kind of enjoyed. The feeling of a friend teasing you about a crush that I actually liked. The rest of the night was fantastic. I couldn't have picked a better person or time to come out. I feel bad that I came out to the person that had a crush on me, but she was really cool with it and brushed it off. At dinner, she said she would've gotten a salad and a water had I not told her. Now that I did, she was going to get the double bacon burger with a milkshake and fries. Even though I only actually said the words "I'm gay" once together, I feel great! :icon_bigg

    So there you have it. I am finally taking my first steps in the exterior coming out process. Thank you all and hopefully I will be able to work up the courage to tell others.
     
  19. Clay

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    Your coming out story was awesome, you'll see how great it is to be open around someone now.

    I wish nothing but the best for you, good luck!
     
  20. confused1234

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    I'm so happy for you! :slight_smile: You're friend is really awesome, and I'm sure that felt great. Welcome to the other side.