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Advice - Married, with kid, but I know I'm gay - Depressed?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by alcoholic, Jan 7, 2014.

  1. alcoholic

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    At age 22, whilst studying at University, I met a girl who I pretended I was in love with. A year later, we had our first child, Max, which later lead onto marriage, 2 years later. Max is now 5 years old and I’m 28, and everyone says we’re the perfect family, but I’m in fact seriously depressed.

    I have never admitted it to anyone, but I have no interest in girls: I don’t like to say it, but I’m no straight. I just wanted to be like everyone else, and honesty couldn’t bare being different. My wife has no idea, and neither do any of my family, not even my parents. I love my son so very much and make him my life and of course my career. They are the only things in life which make me happy. I close relationship with my son and we do stuff as a family every weakened.

    I work from 8 – 7, Monday to Friday and often Saturdays, because simply I can’t stand being at home with my wife. I’m hotel manager, for a large hotel, more of holiday resort, which keeps me occupied.

    I thought that that I could handle the pressure of being with someone that not only don’t love, but by no means are attracted to, but I can’t. Regrettably I have cheated and I feel I may be alcoholic. I usually drink to oblivious on Fridays. I drive out to the sea front at night and just look out to sea wondering how different my life may I been if I was straight, even considered suicide at one point. Then spend the night crying and drinking wine.

    I don’t feel I could leave my wife, I don’t have the balls, nor would I like to live a gay lifestyle as I have too much self-respect. I love the idea of my life, but I’m not happy at all. I feel so very trapped, some days even suicidal. However, sometimes I feel extremely happy and love being with my wife. My wife is very happy, even says to me how happy she is. She would tell me, "oh I don't what I would do with out you". I asked her one what she would do if one of ours children were gay, she replied with "well, as long as there happy".

    I should point out that my wife is expecting 2 more boy (twins), just had 4 month scan and that we do have a “healthy” Sex life.
     
  2. SongshiQuan

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    Hmmm...I would probably start by pointing on that there is no such thing as a "gay lifestyle". LGBT people live lives that are as varied as anyone else's, our orientation/identity is the only thing common to us.

    I'm not really sure what you mean by saying you have too much "self-respect" to live a "gay lifestyle"? With all due respect, either your referring to misconstrued stereotypes or to the fact that you don't feel comfortable being out and/or having a gay relationship. If it's the former, stereotypes are never the best way to accurately gather information on anything. If it's the latter, well, I'm not trying to be insulting but in my opinion it takes a great deal of self-respect to live openly as one's authentic self. Okay, I'm done with the soap box now.

    Now on to your situation. First of all, I'd like to say that I'm sorry that you are hurting. The pressure that society places upon us to conform is great and helps nothing except for people's prejudices. I know that you have a young son and two more on the way. It sounds like you love your children very much. I'd venture a guess that you feel that being the real you would be detrimental to your son's lives. I can see how you could thin this, however, I would implore that you consider the alternative. It sounds like you are in an almost loveless marriage(or, at least that love is only one-sided). It seems like this strain has being growing for the past five years. Unfortunately, unless something changes it will only get worse. Hate to sound like a negative nancy, but if the feelings you have for wife are as you describe them that's the only direction I see this going.

    Here on EC I've read a few threads about people coming out as gay while in a hetero marriage. One common theme I see is the gay person feeling guilty about trying to find true happiness, as if it is a selfish endeavor. While I completely understand these sentiments I would argue that not being true to yourself hurts more than just you. Your wife does not get to experience a relationship where the other person genuinely returns her feelings. Your children don't get to reap the benefits of having their parents in a happy, healthy marriage.


    One final note. In your post you state you feel like you are abusing alcohol. Although I did not get married to a woman, I too used to abuse alcohol and drugs to cover my sexuality. It did not work and it almost destroyed my life. Using alcohol to cope will only cause more sorrow, believe me. I would suggest looking into AA or other similar treatment programs, albeit it's hard going without attacking the root cause(the fact you're closeted).

    In the end, I would tell your wife. Now, this has to be done on your time/terms and not before you are ready. I would also be honest about the cheating as well, it never does any good to cover things like that up. I would suggest you look up resources such as GLAAD to help you get further acquainted with the LGBT community. Of course, these forums are also here to answer any questions and give you any support we can. Welcome, and I hope things get better for you.
     
  3. alcoholic

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    I just want to say thank you for the help. I just feel so trapped. Never talked about it too anyone, but too talk to people who understand the circumstances first hand helps. I can't leave my wife, I've tried for many years, the fact that she is pregnant makes it hard for me to do anything about it now.

    I dont know if its just me, but didn't you feel by choosing to live who you are you get cheated out of children? That's what made me live a lie and of course pressure from parents. I love my son, and a love things fathers get yo do, but I know I've paid s price for it.
     
  4. Yossarian

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    Hi Al,

    You began your post by saying you pretended to be in love with the girl who is now your wife, and the mother of your children. You have not really said "I am gay" anywhere in the post other than the title, or exactly when and how you figured that out, only that you have "cheated" (with a man, presumably, and recently) and feel regret for doing that. You obviously never got these feelings sorted out while you were younger, and went down the "everyone expects me to do the straight thing" road, which leads to a family and kids in the conventional do-it-yourself manner. You feel lonely and rightly so, because there are only about FOUR Million men who acknowledge in surveys doing the same thing.

    Acknowledging that our society is screwed up about gay men and the expectations it places upon all men to "be straight" isn't going to help ANY of us to untangle this web of deception that we weave, sometimes intentionally, sometimes out of ignorance of who we are, and sometimes by accident while pretending to be "normal" using the definition of society. You wanted the benefits of having a "family" by the usual definition of what that means, and now you have it times 3 sons, (congratulations on that, I envy you), but without the pain of denying your sexuality. That is not going to happen, one way or the other.

    There are probably tens of millions of men in the USA who are married, and no longer "in love" with their wives; most of them are straight; most of them are still having sex with their wives, like you. People change over the years and their feelings shift from an intense romantic attraction to their wives (which you apparently never had) to a mutual understanding phase, where you are each comfortable with each other and work together to raise your family and take care of each other, no longer experiencing an intense sexual desire, but still having sexual relations to a gradually diminishing degree as you age.

    Because you are experiencing an intense angst about your own situation, and are apparently turning to alcohol to avoid confronting the problem, you don't seem to be one of those people who are content to blither along denying your sexuality the rest of your life; your "cheating" confirms this. This probably means you are going to have to make some changes in your life plan and deal with a divorce, which will free you to scratch your homosexual itch in whatever "straight acting" gay lifestyle suits you, which probably will not be a whole lot different from the pseudo-straight way you are living now, other than your partner being a man. You will already have your three son "family" in whatever visitation scheme will be worked out. Your wife will have to go through the 5 stages of adjusting to the reality of your being gay, and maybe move on to a new spouse as a result. This is not really "fair" to her, but the problem already exists now, so she will have to work to find her own part of the solution, as will you.

    It would not have to be this way if you were able to deny your underlying sexuality, join the millions of other men who simply grind through their lives playing the standard role assigned to them, as hundreds of millions of mostly straight men who came before them have done, just working and "getting by" in a loveless marriage, sharing living quarters with their wives and caring for them as a friend/partner rather than as a lover. That is not a great way to live, but it can be and has been done, many many times. Only you can decide which is the right path for you; you might want to let your wife be a part of this decision as whatever you decide, it is going to affect her in a big way, so she needs to be invested in whatever process you decide to go through, for the benefit of the children as well as the two of you.
     
  5. piano71

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    I'd recommend tapering off or quitting the booze. Alcohol is a depressant and will contribute to depressed feelings.

    If AA doesn't meet your needs, check out Rational Recovery, an addiction recovery program without the religious aspects. If your drinking is so extreme that you are physically dependent on alcohol, you may need medical supervision to quit safely. I have also read that some alcoholics have been prescribed Topamax (an off-label use of this medication), which can eliminate pleasure from excessive drinking, and facilitate a gradual taper off alcohol. This reduces the risks of a cold-turkey quit for physically dependent alcoholics, allowing the body to gradually adapt back to an alcohol-free state.

    Then, once you are in a sober state, it's time to deal with the underlying issues.

    I'm confused that you say you have "no interest" in women, yet have a "healthy sex life" with your wife. Does this mean you need to fantasize about men to 'perform' in the bedroom? Were the 'cheats' with men? If so - then yes, you are likely gay. But if not - you may actually be bisexual instead, and the biggest issue on the table is giving yourself permission to have feelings for both men and women without heavy guilt.

    I also saw a similar duality in your thoughts about family - you work long hours to stay away from your family, but weekends with your family are your biggest joy. It's time to sort out those feelings and figure out what you're avoiding vs. what brings you joy.
     
  6. Jim1454

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place.

    I can relate to your story, as mine is very similar. It is different too. I didn't get to where you are until I was in my mid 30s, and by that time I was deep into addiction. That is what really prompted the changes that had to happen in my life, not my own feelings or concerns.

    My number one suggestion - find a counsellor and start talking about all this with them. You have LOTS that is weighing on you, and it isn't reasonable for you to be able to figure it all out and work through it on your own. Nobody could do that. I certainly couldn't. I ended up a real mess. Talk to a professional about your orientation, your marriage, your kids, your infidelities, and your drinking. Talk about all of it - it is all related anyway.

    Once you've done that, you'll have a better understanding of what might come next. You might need help with your alcoholism if it has got to that point. If your cheating is verging on or is compulsive (which mine was) then you might need help with that.

    If you're unhappy in your marriage, you'll need to work on that too. I agree with the statement above that if you're unhappy now, that isn't likely to get any better. It's more likely to get progressively worse. And neither your wife nor your children will benefit from having someone around who is completely miserable all the time. I came to believe that my children would be better off having two well adjusted and happy parents who were divorced than two miserable and disfunctional parents who still lived together.

    Whatever you do, stop cheating. It isn't going to help. It only makes the conversation that you're likely to have with your wife eventually that much harder. You can't undo what you've already done, but you can avoid doing it again and making the situation worse.

    I'm now 7 years out of my heterosexual marriage. I'm out to my kids, family, coworkers - everyone. I'm re-married to a wonderful man who also has 2 kids from his previous marriage. I am still involved in my childrens' lives, and have a pretty good relationship with my ex wife. And I couldn't picture ANY of that when I was where you are right now. I was depressed and feeling very hopeless about my future. You're not expected to be able to envision things working out that well from where you're sitting, but let me tell you that it can work out that well. I am proof of that.

    Will there be short term pain? Yes. Isn't there always? But you can do it. And your wife sounds like she's at least LGBT friendly. Others here would suggest that your wife could very likely have suspected you were gay already - perhas right from the beginning. But because the life that you were providing for her suited her, she was willing to consciously or subconsciously overlook those doubts. Just as you were doing.

    As someone who has 'been there and done that' don't hesitate to reach out to me if you want to chat. Because I'm an advisor here you can send me a 'private message' even as a new member. But you can also simply keep the conversation going here for the benefit of others - and to get the perspectives of others.

    You're doing the right thing by starting to talk about it. Keeping it all bottled up and smothering it with alcohol or meaningless sex is NOT the way to go. I've 'been there and done that' too, and I speak from experience when I say that while it might work in the short term, in the long run you only end up with all the problems you already have PLUS those associated with addiction - which are often much worse.