I have never struggled so much with anything in my life more than those three words. It's awkward to type, even more awkward in it's audible form. I am gay. Why me? What did I do to deserve this lower rung on the social ladder? I suppose this isn't a punishment, so long as I don't make it one. But, that's easier said than done. From an early age, I've always hated gay people. I had no idea why, I just knew that gay people were people that I wasn't to associate with. This, is an unfortunate side-effect of being raised under a homophobic roof. I hated myself, and I never knew why. You can imagine the struggle during my early teens. Fighting with myself, convincing--deceiving myself. I can't be gay, I hate gay people. I can't be gay, I like sports. I can't be gay, it's not me. Until, I shattered my own illusions and admitted to myself, that I am what I hate. Guilt ensued. To realize you are what you've been taught never to become... hurts. I felt like I had failed. I'm the worst of all possible lifestyles, worst of all, it's inane. Regardless of how much I tried to change, I couldn't. These haunting thoughts, desires to be with what's forbidden. I felt guilty, guilty of a crime that I had no choice but to commit. When the guilt subsided and I had stopped blaming myself, I moved onto a new target: the gay community. I vowed to distance myself from them, I would never conform. I can be gay, without being gay. Nobody will know. Those delusions only lasted so long. Which brings me here, I'm making an effort. Exposing myself to a gay community, associating with the enemy. You guys aren't as evil as I had originally thought, and thanks to everyone here I can now say that I am not only completely accepting of myself, but of all others as well. I am free from my internalized homophobia and from all these deep seeded stigmas associated with it. I am gay, and that phrase haunts me no more. P.S. I had originally not intended to post it, just to type it out to myself for therapeutic reasons, but if I can only admit it to myself, what's the point of this epiphany?
Good job. Keep it up. DO check out the gay community. Not necessarily the club scene or what have you, but bookstores, volunteer groups, whatever interests you. You'll be surprised how boring we are. Lex
^Haha Lex, you made me imagine things like bookstores being raving whore houses... with strobelights and everything haha.. yeah.. idk why I thought that but w/e. Maybe that's what ignorant people see, except they think it's true 0.o Well, otc877, I think you're cool and I'm glad you are accepting of yourself now. It's an awkward path for everyone I think.. but yeah.. idk it was fun to read. btw, I think I'm gonna call you october87 because that's what my brain calls you when I see your screen name
I think that's very brave of you! Kudos to you. And I like your writing, it seems very sophisticated and I enjoy reading them. ^^
Good job by finally accepting yourself. That is the first key to the big picture, so to speak. Being raised in the way you were, is tough, and family values are harder to break than your own. It is good that you are reaching out to the gay community and I am happy that you posted your thread, it was interesting to read. Good luck for the future and everything it holds.