Sorry about how long this is just have so much to get off my chest...

So I have known I was gay for years. I always tried to hide it from myself though. I grew up with a very abussive family. When I was in elementry school I would often goto school with bruises and black eyes and everything, but when ever anyone would ask me about it I would just lie and say the typical thing "I fell down the stairs" or whatever seemed like a logical lie at the time. My family is constantly always sayong horrible things about each other.
I got picked on all the time at school but never did anything about it because i was just so used to it from home. Noone knew what was going on because I grew up in a really nice neighborhood and all. There were even times were my parents were literally trying to kill one another. One time my dad even wrapped a telephone cord around my neck... I was always told that I was a worthless peice of shit by my family, so of course I believed it untill recently.
My parents even gave up custody of me when I was 16 so my oldest sister took me in for a while. Then things actually started getting better between me and my parents so I moved back across the country to go back to them. Me and my dad started getting along great. My mom not so much though. Then 4 months after I moved back we got a call from my dads boss (he worked in Miami at the time) saying that we needed to get down there right away. So we went to go drop the keys to our house off to my best friend at the time so he could take care of our dogs while we were gone because we lived 2 hours from where my dad was. As soon as we were pulling on his street my dads boss called again saying we just need to wait till morning to come get his things because he passed away. It really hurt me because we were getting along so good before this happened.
Anyways after all that things started going to shit once again me and my mom pretty much hated each other we lost everything we had after he passed away houses, cars, everything. 2 months after he passed my mom kicked me out which was on my 17th birthday because I was drinking with a couple friends and she told me to never contact her again.
I moved around alot during high school so much I was told I couldnt come back because there was no possible way I could graduate. When I got to be about 18 everyone always asked me why I didn't have a girlfriend. They all said I was so nice and sweet because I would just sit there and listen to all there problems and always did anything for anybody. I knew at that time but didn't want to accept it. Im actually pretty sure some of them have an idea that Im gay I just never admitted it.
I would do anything to try to block the feelings I was having even started doing herion. All that did was just make things so much worse for me though and lost all the great friends I did have because I traded them out for shitty ones to get high with. Eventually things got out of control and I tried taking my own life because like my family always said I'm just a worthless peice of shit and plus I didn't wanna accept the fact I was gay.
I tried being straight for so long eventually dating a few girls and having sex with them (which I had to force myself to do because I wasn't attracted to them at all) trying to fool myself and others into thinking I was straight. I have been with a few guys sexually and really enjoyed it. I didn;t have to fake I was into it like I did with girls.
Now about 4 years later I have finally came to terms with myself finally accepting the fact I can't change my feelings even as hard as I tried. I think its time to come out but really have no idea how to tell anyone or who and btw me and my mom talk again. I know my oldest sister would be accepting but I know she would tell my mom even if I told her not too and I know my mom would completly flip out. I think my brother would be ok with it too but we haven't spoke in over 6 years. So I really have no idea what to do I feel like I have nobody to talk to.

 

Well I just told my first person... I feel relieved but yet still nervous as hell like im still shaking uncontrolably and sweating so bad. But she was so happy I told her she said it made tons of sense and she was there for me 110%

 

yea well I knew I could tell her since she is bi herself so I knew she would forsure understand