I've made a few posts already about coming out, but I ended up waiting because there never seems to be a right time to approach the situation, and I wanted to be sure I was ready. I can't approach this with anything less than firm conviction, and can't bring it out into the open in anger or distress, because of the tension at home right now. Some background information about my situation, sorry if this is a little long: I realised I was non-binary a long time ago, started realising my transgender tendencies and desire to transition a few years ago. Since coming to terms with my trans identity, I've become simultaneously more comfortable with myself, and more dysphoric about my physical self. I want to come out at home because I would like to start transitioning, but more importantly, because I want to stop feeling so distant from my family, and because I want to be able to live authentically as the person I know myself to be. I've been wearing mostly guy's clothes for about a year and a half now, which my family doesn't seem bothered by. There were one or two times when my dad asked if I was a lesbian, but when I told him I wasn't, he dropped the issue. I've already come out to my boyfriend, who took things surprisingly well for a straight guy, and decided that because he loves me, he's going to stand by me. I wouldn't be surprised if we drift a bit and he falls out of love in the future, but he plans on remaining a stable and supportive person for me. I've also come out to my sister, who seems cool with it. Hopefully she'll be supportive too. My parents are hard to talk with. My mom is never around, and since her injury, she's been harder to predict. She's changed more than she realises she has. My dad is around a lot, but it's hard to tell if he's actually listening to me. He's distant, liberal in some ways but very traditional in others. Getting them together in the same room is impossible. I don't know where either of them stand on trans issues, though I do know they're both confused to some degree by trans people. There's not a lot of communication at home, we've all drifted apart. We never eat dinner together, don't really talk about things. So there's no real opportune moment to drop the bomb. That stated, I think they have the potential to be ok with this, if I play my cards right. They've proven to be supportive of other things in the past, even if it took them some time to get there. Right now, I plan on coming out after I get my driver's license. It's really the last thing I think I need to do before I feel secure enough to approach the topic. I was reading coming out resources, and started thinking about how different coming out as trans is from coming out as lgb. Most people can wrap their mind around being gay, but most people can't seem to understand what it's like to want to change genders, or to feel wrong in their bodies. Some aspects of coming out seem to go across the board, but others seem to be ineffective for transpeople. It's also hard for me to approach things because I'm non-binary - I feel like it would be easier if I were more masculine, if there were more signs, if I was into girls. I feel like my "feminine" interests might serve as evidence that I can't be trans, there must be some other explaination for what I'm feeling. I also worry that my interest in men might make it harder for my family to process what I'm going through, since the trans-narrative typically features people transitioning into heteronormativity and I would be doing the opposite. If any out transpeople have advice, I would appreciate it. Even just hearing your coming out stories would be nice. If any queer transpeople have advice, even better. I've wondered, is it harder for people to accept your gender identity when it comes with a homosexual sexuality? I imagine it would be particularly difficult to come to terms with, from a parent's perspective. And for other out LGB's, anything you think might help would be appreciated as well.
I've found a lot of people seem to think that if you are trans and like the opposite sex, a lot of people tend to claim your doing it because you don't like being gay, so either way orientation can have its difficulties. Basically you need to decide now exactly what you need to tell your parents. Make a list. THis is likely to include things like; -A definition of trans-masculine -What you plan to change -What you want THEM to do I've found that one thing people have struggled with more than anything with accepting my identity is that they can't quite get their head around the fact that I'm not a completely girly girl. I have a LOT of seriously girly traits, but others have stayed the same. I still don't have a great deal of fashion sense and things and I don't have a clean bedroom, so often it leads people to question things like 'Yeah but a girl wouldn't do this'. So you need to make sure you have a good way of explaining to them that you're you are not saying 'I am going to be a boy' but that you are trying to live true to yourself, and that happens to be whatever it happens to be!
Good advice Ellia. Clockworkfox ... I'm Trans female and not started hrt. I'm still trying to wait for my wife to decide what she needs to do. She's straight, I'm a lesbian. She tells me that she can accept me as female, but says I can't transition till out 4 kids are 18 and go their ways; another 17 years. My contention is that if I can't be validated as a woman, in society, I'm just continuing my life long lie I've had to live since forever. I'm not lying here;i know what it's like having the wrong body. My dysphoric view of my body will cause me to slide deeper into depression if I'm expected to wait that much longer being called "sir" and so on. I've even told her it's like she was raised her whole life ass a boy, but she's got the parts that last claim to her feminity. She tells me if she leaves me it's a clean break. No contact. I've been writing pros and cons of pressing the issue. Pros seem to outweigh the cons for me, even given all I've said. Best of luck toyou, whatever you do!
Hmm. I'm sure I can figure out how to be clear about this. It just seems like it'll be difficult convincing them that I really am trying to be authentic. Also, lists. I like making lists. Maybe I'll make some lists like you suggested. ---------- Post added 8th Jan 2014 at 08:05 PM ---------- I'm sorry your wife wants you to wait to transition. That's a really hard situation, i can only imagine how dysphoric it must be. I hope that things work out well for you! (*hug*)
I imagine it will be, in fact it will likely be more difficult than trying to convince them you were trying to be a total male stereotype kind of man, because this way they have to accept that none of the usual 'but guys do this/don't do that' won't apply to you. But it's worth it in the long run, I think.
So I've been thinking on this a bit, and some of the things I need to tell them are: - that I'm transmasculine, meaning I feel masculine of center, or more like a guy than a girl - because I feel like this, and it's been an ongoing thing, I want to talk to a therapist that's good with gender related things, and preferably has experience with transgender patients. - that I'm still fundamentally the same person, even if my outward appearance changes after a while - that yes, I do like guys, and will still be bringing home boyfriends - that this isn't something that anyone or anything has influenced, it's just a part of who I am, and I've known it for a while now. Before I knew, I felt off and different from other people for years (they know this, and can attest to what was essentially a very angry childhood with a lot of uproarious complaints about gender segregation). - that I want them to take the time they need to come to terms with this, and ask me any questions they might have - that if they want to, they can talk to the parents of some of my friends that have come out as LGBT to get another parent's perspective on things as well as some support themselves
I think you need to by more specific. You should make clear why you are telling them and what you expect them to change. Different name, different pronouns, not mentioning this or that, not suggesting this or that. Something like a manual :icon_wink And also think about what will happen if they flat refuse to do it. How big deal it will be for you? Will you pressure them? Will you give up? Will you be hurt? How the balance in your relationship will change after that? Will you feel like you lost your case? Will you feel less loved? Do you want to risk it? Try to go through different scenarios. Good luck
Clockworkfox ... I've said before that I've had to come out to my wife Trans female AND lesbian. She's finally said she could accept it. But she's seeming to be making moves that are lining up for a fail, out to get me to cease and desist. By moving to a smaller (and more conservative) town I'm April. I'm thinking that she'll be expecting me to stop dressing "for the kids" (though I only wear ladies'layering tanks and jrs jeans). I've told he that I visualize myself with a female body when we make love. And I don't identify with my parts "down there". SOOOOO ... I definitely understand your concern for family reaction. My hear goes out to you! Good luck!
I don't know, I'm afraid of throwing too much on them at once. :icon_redf But I suppose... - that I would appreciate it if they referred to me as their child, rather than their daughter. I don't expect them to go and say son, and frankly, I don't know that I'm ready to hear it myself. - that I would prefer they not refer to me in the feminine. That I don't feel a connection to my given name anymore, and I would really prefer it if they called me...I suppose I should find a name for myself...still on my to-do list... :eusa_doh: - that they should stop talking about grandkids, and wait a few years until my sister's a little older and tell her you hope to see some someday when she's settled and married. It's not something they've said often, but it really sucks when they do because it brings up one of the most dysphoric aspects of my body - the capability to create more humans that I never asked for and have been positively petrified over for literally as long as I can remember. I wish there was like a transgender parts exchange program or something, like, I could just drop my uterus in a box and it would be carted over to a translady that wanted to be a biomom. - that I really don't want them to do anything, except not hate me over this. - that I need them to know because it's a part of who I am, and I need to feel validated because it's been eating me up inside for a long time now. I think that's really what it comes down to. Do I want to do this? Not exactly. But I feel like I need to do this. I don't like feeling like shit everyday, I want to transition if I can. I want to have them on board with me if I can manage it because I would love the support. If they can't handle it, or don't know how, that's what resources are for. If that doesn't help, I don't know. I need to push the issue a bit, but I want to guide them, not force them. If they can't come to terms with it at all, well, I've built a support network for a reason I guess. Of course I'll be hurt, of course I'll feel less loved. But I'm used to not seeing eye to eye with them on a lot of things - it took them a while to realise I was serious about becoming a vegetarian, and a lot less time to realise I was serious about becoming vegan, although my mom still suggests it won't kill me to eat a little dairy. They must know I'm not religious since I've gotten so good at playing "Avoid Church". I've made it clear over the years that I make my own opinions and do what I decide will benefit me, and they've said before that while we have our differences, they trust I have good moral judgement and strong values. I would hope that over time, they'd be willing to try to be understanding, even if they don't understand why I feel I need to do this when I could hypothetically live a normal life as a hetero woman (hint: can't do it. not in the stars). But if they can't do it, what else can I do? I plan on trying my hardest to help them along the way. Maybe I don't want to risk it right now - I couldn't roll out of bed tomorrow and come out or anything. But I hope to have myself ready to do it before the year is out. I have concrete goals now, things I want to accomplish before coming out, just in case things don't go well. I should have them done in a few months, then it's all a matter of timing. ---------- Post added 12th Jan 2014 at 03:14 AM ---------- Thank you Emma. I really hope however things turn out for you, you end up happy and whole. (*hug*)
