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First post, needing some advice!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by indyphofillaf, Jan 8, 2014.

  1. indyphofillaf

    Regular Member

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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Hey guys,

    Stumbled upon this site in hope to get some support for my current situation.

    A little background of myself to begin with...I knew I wasn't entirely "straight" when I was in high school. Then I assumed I was a bisexual male in college because I was dating a girl. Broke it off after two years because I wanted to experience the "other" side. Never had the chance because being that I am from Hawaii and the island was way too small, I was too chicken to try. I joined the military and now I'm stationed far from Hawaii. I took that chance again and now I'm in a very happy relationship with my boyfriend I met 5 months ago.

    So no one know's except my brother (yes he's also gay), his boyfriend, and my ex-girlfriend. My working place doesn't know and my co-workers are a close-knit group. They've always been asking about my love life and I've always had to lie. I ABSOLUTELY HATE LYING but that's how chicken I am of telling them. And as you know, my co-workers are pretty much my friends outside of work as well so lying to them just makes me think of how horrible of a person I am. I hate living a double life.

    :help:
     
  2. Nick07

    Full Member

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    You are not a chicken or a coward. If you don't think it is safe to come out, then don't. It's a very personal thing, and you should not feel forced to do it.
    Do you think your friends would be accepting?
     
  3. Yossarian

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    First of all, you are not a "horrible person" because you have not come out. You are a gay man in a hetero-normative world, who is feeling all kinds of clues from your environment that you are supposed to feel bad about that, even though you shouldn't. You are probably being interrogated about your love life either because you are silent about it, or throwing off minor sparks unconsciously that you might not be straight, because you aren't visibly acting straight by not having a visible girlfriend. Even though your love life is none of their business, that is what young guys quiz and tease each other about, straight or gay.

    You might be underestimating your coworkers; today's military is not the legally and officially homophobic workplace it was several decades ago. Your right to have a same-sex boyfriend or partner is a protected status by regulation; any harassment of you, which is unlikely anyway, is now a prohibited behavior. If you want to hear some perspectives and experiences on what being gay in the military is like, search "russmarine2014" for some videos on YouTube.

    Both you and your boyfriend deserve to be treated as "normal", and you probably will be, but you have to build the confidence to "raise your colors" and insist on it for it to happen. Since you are already living a gay relationship with your boyfriend, there is no question about who you are, you just need to open up to your friends/coworkers and be honest with them; whatever you might experience after this has to be better than the way you are beating yourself up for trying to lead a double life. It will also be better for your boyfriend, if that matters to you.

    Also, lest we forget, thank you for your service to our country.