I've fallen in love with someone I can't be with. :/

I know I'm different, thats what makes me like everyone here. I have for a majority of my life been bullied into thinking I'm gay from people I both know well and not at all. I can honestly say that I don't define my sexuality in what would be considered a common orientation. Because of recent events in my life I feel comfortable with myself and saying that I am human being that is Demisexual. It's makes the most to me as a label. For those of you that don't know what a Demisexual is, it's a person who is part way between having sexuality (heterosexual, homosexual, ect.) and being asexual (no sexuality) In other words a demisexual, is a person who still believes in having a physical relationship with a partner, but that they can only have this type of a relationship with someone they have a deep emotional connection with.

Now this is where my problem is. As of October of 2013, I met this person who from the moment I met him I instantly had a connection. He lives here in Los Anelges now but before that he moved here from France. Now I didn't like him right off the bat, I just thought that he was a really cool guy and that we would be great friends. We are both studying post-production editors for filmmaking, he is a composer and sound editor, and I'm an editor. We where introduced working on a film project that had to be finished in a weekend period of about 3 days. So for the entire weekend I was working with him and we where talking about all kinds of things involving filmmaking, it was nice to have a conversation about film with someone who had the same appreciation for post-production. Now I know at the time he was still trying to become proficient when I came to writing English, but for only being here in the US for 4 months prior to me meeting him, he was doing pretty well. But after the shoot we would text each other. He started asking things that I was doing with the project and one things he said was that he suggested that I use the song we made for the film in the credits as well. When I told him that's what I did he said "Damn you are perfect!" Now I was a bit confused by those choice of words but I was really happy that he thought highly of me as an editor and friend. It felt great that I had someone that looked at me as a professional for what I do and have respect for me and how hard I work. He actually made me feel so much better about myself as whole person, he's just that type of person who's really genuine and caring.

Since meeting him in October, the opportunities for us to be around each other where far between each other. The next time I saw him was at a friends Halloween party, it was a lot of fun! We got to talk and catch up which was really nice since this was about a month since I last saw him. It was that night when I started becoming more attached to him. It's legitimately so frustrating that I don't get to see him that often, not that texting or snapchat and Facebook aren't good ways to connect with people but I wanted more. The more time I spent apart from my friend the more I realized I talked about him. I don't think there is a single day that I don't talk about this beautiful person who cares so much about me. My other friends has even told me that when "he" is just brought up in conversation I just light up and look happy. Which is so true.

Now as I'm sure you can tell from the title of this post that things are going to head south at some point and you're right. You see... My friend that I have been talking about for a while is straight, yup I know it's sad to fall in love with someone who can't love you back but I don't see how anyone couldn't fall in love with him, he is literally perfect in every way. He's beautiful to look at and is the most caring soul there is. I do have to admit, that this is the first time that I have become completely infatuated with another person. it only really hit me how much I cared about him around late December (will get to all of that, we still have to cover a lot of ground) I have been with other people in the past but no one has never made me feel a connection like that before and made me feel so happy and safe.

I for a majority of my life, I have chosen to not be romantically involved with other people and here is why. I don't know how it is I'm suppose to give another person attention when I can't even pay attention long enough to the things that I need for myself. I have never been a romantically sly person either, a majority of my life is just an awkward abyss <- thats light hearted but still very true haha <3. Also I haven't had the best of luck becoming "more then friends" with any one, when I've let done my walls to be human and let them know how I feel there hasn't really been a mutual feeling back. :/ And yeah that sucks but I don't necessarily feel lonely because of something like that, I know I'm loved by my friends and that I have an impact on there lives.

Anyways, I know this is taking a while to get to but all of this is important to the story and I thank you so much for sticking with it this far if you're still reading

SO, the first time in a while that i see him in person is at my friends house at the very beginning of this year winter break (so pretty recent) I was so happy to find out he was coming and that I would be able to chill with him around my friends and people our age. Honestly we all just celebrated being out of school for the holidays that night and it was a great kick back. The best part about this I know that he cares about me, The two most real moments I got from him being human was when he first saw we and when he had to leave. There was just as much joy and happiness in his eyes as there was in mine. I told him that was had to see each other more often because it's not right that we don't see each other enough, and he totally agreed, so later on I invited him to the New Years party I was going to have for our friend group. When he finally accepted the invite via Facebook as soon as i got the notification I actually started screaming. I was so happy! It actually made my day to think I was throwing a party and he wanted to come, I didn't even have to beg and I was planning too haha!

Of course I was happy to see all my friend come to New Years but I was overfilled with joy when he showed up. He baked a cake for the party. Most perfect human being in the whole world that knows how to bake <3 ( I mean, he is from France) Anyways the nights was a lot of fun, I got talk to him about family back home in France, we danced, and ate food, made a fool of myself and tried to speck the very little French that I knew. It was probably the most fun I had being around him. I actually wish every day that I live closer to him just because it's so unfair that I'm totally head over heels for this guy and I get to see him once every few months. It's at this point I start having those feelings for him, they where there before but just at a simmer. After the New Years party my affection for him came to a boil and I can't think about anything else but him. I make sure to text or snapchat him at least once a day so he knows I'm alive. haha

It really does make me sad that I know we could never be a thing on that level. He might be French but he is obviously straight the way he talks about girls. Now I know my friends have been saying things as a joke because they all know that me and "him" have a "bromance" because we're both post-production filmmakers. But they have recently been saying that we need to be a real thing and they believe that the two of us are straight so it's a joke. I know they're trying to just "get to me" cause they don't know I really like him. I of course have to deny everything they're saying even though I agree with them 100%. I don't understand how he can't be gay for me too! He says all these wonderful things about me like "You are such a source of inspiration to me _____"<-my name........ My jaw actually dropped when he said this to me, it was though Facebook and I actually start to get teary eyed because it was such a beautiful thing to say. He has said so many wonderful things to me like "still trying to learn your dance moves " or when I'm having a shitty hair day he'll send me a sincere snapchat that says "you're hair is fantastic." I really don't understand how someone can be so nice LIKE THIS and not feel the same way. I just don't see how he can just admire me for the person I am, and not like me the way I admire and like him.

This human experience shouldn't be this difficult. What I would give to have a normal life and be some other straight boy who doesn't have to worry about a thing. But since I'm not normal I have to face that facts that a dream of mine will never come true and I'll just have to be happy with what I get right? I'd really like to hear anything from anyone about what they think.

Thank you!

 

So this story has just changed radically, one of my best friends told me today that she was planning on hooking up with him, apparently our prop of friends have been talking about this for a while and everyone thinks it should happen When I heard her say this I felt my heart sink in my body. I'm not so much mad at her for saying it because her life has been pretty messed up lately. You see, she had just gotten out of her first experience with another girl. It was something that was somewhat serious somewhat not, anyways long story short her thing with that other person ended apparently today, they talked about it and since the other girl didn't seem to be interested or really want to try and be with her, my friend ended it.

I don't know how it is I'm suppose to talk about this because the way I can look at the possible event coming up in two way.

The first way is that I do what I always do, I think about other peoples need over my own and let my friend hook with him so she can get over her pain, and untimely so I can get over mine of being in love with a straight french guy.

Or the second way is that I talk to my friend that wants to hook up with him and tell how I feel.

Now I know it almost seems obvious that I should choose opinion #2, but I don't early know if I can. By doing this and stopping the interaction, I have to continue living in this hell of not being able to be with him. I can see that you guys think the he might be closeted but I really don't think he is.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHO MY FRIEND FROM FRANCE IS

He is a composer for film/DJ for concerts, he use to be in a band and when he lived in France and he was a total emo skater kid for a while. I don't really see that being the most homosexual blend (I'm NOT trying to play off stereotypes or anything like that but I'm sure you understand what it is I'm saying, he just doesn't look gay.)

read this one text he sent me.

Context for the text: The second term at his community college just started and for the next 6 weeks he has a math class that is 4 hours long and that requires 5 hours of doing homework every single night. Here is the text:

Me: "how was the dreaded math class today?"

Him: "Man... I'm so depressed. Over 35 students, there are 3 girls, with only 1 girl that actually looks like a girl... and this only girl happens to be ugly. Youhou. Luckily for me, I can drown my sadness in the daily 5 hour of homework " :bang:

It makes me sad that he would say something like that cause it really isn't who he is. But then again this isn't the first time he said something like this that I found offensive.

this happened a few months ago on Facebook, my friend got me trapped in a Facebook status thing that I has to choose from one of the follow stases to post on my wall as a prank. Most of them where pretty stupid so I chose the most realistic one which was "I think I like someone, what should I do?" and well he commented on the status and said "is it a girl." I was so shocked to hear him say that. He had done the same thing that everyone else I knew did, he casted a judgment on me by my behavioral patterns, habits, and qualities and assuming I'm gay, which I'm not, I'm demisexual there is a difference.

Im really at a lost for world right know I literally heard about this situation only 2 hours ago and I'm pretty sure if I have to go through another heart break I'm gonna shut people out of my life completely and never be able to become intimate with anyone ever. Life sucks. Thoughts?

 

Again, a lot has changed since last time. I sent a snapchat to my friend saying "we need to talk later" she later texted me asking if everything was ok. I then told my friend how I feel about her wanting to hook up with him since I liked him a lot. She was really torn between choosing to try and help herself feel better about her situation, and not messing up our friendship. She finally decided that she wasn't going to do it, sorta...

this is what the text said:
"Okay _____ here's the thing. I'm not gonna hook up with him at ______'s party, but I already know for a fact I want to get really fucked up, so if I can't control myself, I'm sorry because it might happen."

It's kinda like she just put a blanket over it both no and yes at the same time, so I didn't reasons to that. have this two text conversation with her yesterday was emotion draining for me. One of my others friend kept asking me what was up because i was sending horribly depressing snapchats to her. she asked to know what was doing on so I sent her the entire text conversation I had last night. She said that she didn't think that the hook up wasn't going to help my friend which I agree with, and she asked me if I knew what I was going to say to him.
The text she sent after that:

"I don't know him well enough to describe the way he interacts with people, but he does seem flirty, But he also does seem really really REALLY nice to you, If anything he admires you a lot. Whether that is a romantic admiration, I can't say. (I'm glad you can talk to me about this, by the way. I'm honored.)

then i sent her the photo about the math class and just told her that i don't know what to think and to be honest I just want this to be over with. The friend I like is straight and there isn't anything I could do about it. I'm not the type of person who would try and change a person preference for my own advantage. My attraction to him is absolutely based off the admiration I have of his qualities as a person which have then in response became a physical attraction to him. I know that some of you think the he is only acting this way because he doesn't know everything about who I really am and I see your point. But I just know it's not correct. I don't know if I'm ever going to tell him how I feel/felt about him because i don't there to be that awkwardness between us. If I do end up telling him about it, it's just going to have to be something that comes to me when I know it's right.

But in the next few months our lives are going to change. He has to go back to France over the summer and when he does come back for school, I'll be on the other side of the county on the east coast for college. So I at this moment right don;t know what to do, but what I do know is I'm tired of playing the game of chance and possibilities. nothing about my life has ever worked out perfectly and to be quite honest I tend to doubt it ever will.