Coming out to a parent... At 39

I've been wanting to come out to my Dad for a while now (wrote an email and never sent it) and it looks like a good opportunity might be coming up.

A bit of background - he lives overseas and is visiting the UK in a few days for around 2 weeks. He will be mostly in a different location to where I live but we're planning to meet up at some point. My plan is to do something fun with him for the day then go for a meal, then go for a drink after and tell him then.

This will be totally out of the blue for him I think, though I have dropped subtle hints in the past. I'm thankful I don't have the worries of some younger people who live at home with homophobic parents who have to worry about a lot more than I do. But I have the additional worry that he's going to find it even more baffling that I'm suddenly coming out as bisexual/homoflexible at the age of 39.

I know he's not completely anti gay but he does have right wing views when it comes to gay marriage and a few other things. I still have no idea exactly how to break it to him or how he's going to react, beyond some form of surprise.

So, I could either try and talk about it, or I could open the unsent email on my laptop and ask him to read it...

If I have to talk it through, I don't know what I'm going to say. Showing him the mail might be easier, but it seems like a cop out when he's sitting in front of me and I could just talk to him...

Any advice? It probably won't go exactly to plan anyway as nerves will no doubt kick in, followed by whatever emotions my Dad experiences when I tell him. Would be interested to hear anyone's thoughts on how to do this that might help me out.

Thanks! :dry:

---------- Post added 13th Jan 2014 at 02:52 AM ----------

To add: it would be great to hear some advice from someone else who has come out to a parent at a similar age

 

Thanks for the replies. He's not actually the first person, I told my brother almost 4 years ago. Also most of my current friends know, those that don't will gradually find out and I don't have a problem with that, and thankfully no one else has had a problem so far. Family and friends who I've known for years is more difficult!

There has been some progression, kind of. I'm visiting him on Sunday as he's in the UK. It looks as if we're going out for a meal somewhere and most likely a pub afterwards.

I still have no idea how he will react or what I will say to break the news that his oldest son is mostly into men, but I think I'm more than ready. Just hope I don't bottle it and not tell him, I don't see him very often and really need to get this done.

Wish me luck!

 

Spot on. I just feel the need to be as open as possible. I'm 40 this year and life's too short to be worrying about potential family reactions when I'm (hopefully) partnered further down the line. I don't want that hanging over me any more.

I have a rough plan, whether it will work is anyone's guess but it feels like a less harsh way of telling him than blurting out "I'm gay, mostly". I'm thinking of saying how I'm getting older and seriously thinking it might be time to start thinking about settling down and finding someone, and then saying something along the lines of "this might surprise you a bit, but you need to know that when I do meet someone it's probably not going to be a girl". He's bound to ask if I'm saying I'm gay, and I'm planning to answer that with "mostly, yes". I think it softens the blow slightly, and it seems like it will be easier to say.

I did identify as bisexual for a long time but on reflection I'm way more into guys, so I've recently started considering myself as being closer to homoflexible than bi, or gay with the occasional random girl crush bisexual urge.

I still can't imagine what his reaction will be. That's the part that scares me the most. I really hope this isn't going to change things, we've been through some rough times in the past but our relationship has improved a great deal over the past couple of years. I don't want something like this to cause damage. I'm planning to bring this up at the beginning and tell him how pleased I am we're seeing eye to eye more these days and enjoying each other's company more, hopefully that will set the mood for things to come.

 

Well, this time tomorrow the job will probably be done. I'm beginning to get a bit nervous when I think about it, and I've been thinking of possible reactions he might have and trying to work out how to deal with them. I think I'm starting to overanalyse slightly so I'm going to go out for a drink with a few friends to try and relax and take my mind off it.

The main worry is his conservative ways. He doesn't really know any gay people, well that he knows of. He's not religious but I know he doesn't understand what being gay is all about and he's openly disagreed with gay marriage, to quote what he said "'THAT' isn't marriage". Although he's said he's not against civil partnerships. I've also heard him use the term 'gay fairy' when referring to someone he saw when he was with me in a bar once. I don't want him to disagree with my life in the future if I do choose to marry, or think that I'm some kind of 'fairy'. These are words that came out of his own mouth and they're making this situation harder to deal with. But I'm still determined I'm going to do it, I have a feeling he'll come round even if the reaction isn't great tomorrow.

I'll update again tomorrow and let you all know how it went. I'm off for a beer!

 

Thanks Kyle. I'll be drinking in moderation, just enough to relax things slightly rather than loads. I think my Dad will need a drink when I've talked with him anyway.

There's a lot of things on my side too, we didn't see eye to eye for years because of something that happened years ago which I won't go into right now, but he knows he was to blame more than myself or my brother, so I don't think he'll want to risk rocking the boat too much. We've all taken a long time to get on as well as we are now and I don't think he'll be prepared to throw that away. There's a lot at stake here that we've all worked so hard at rebuilding, I think he knows that. I'll be discussing this in the conversation too.

 

Thanks Lost, it usually works for me too. Got everything crossed!

 

Thanks everyone for the replies!

Katwat... I like the suggestion of a note as a back up. But I'm not thinking at the moment that I'll need to take that approach. The reason is the history of what's gone on between us. as I mentioned earlier we've all put a lot of work in to get on better and move forwards from bad things that happened in the family in the past. Basically the lead up to the conversation is going to be about how pleased I am that we're getting on better and the fact that we can't ever let anything get between us and wreck our father-son relationship like past events did. My brother has already talked to him about how pleased he is things are better now and my Dad was quite emotional about it, in a good way. I'm thinking if I do similar and get him to that stage where he agrees that nothing should ever come between us again then that might be a good time to drop the bombshell, as he'll be going back on his word immediately if he rejects me. I'm out to my brother too, and there's no way he would stand idle while my Dad shunned me, and my Dad will know this.

It might seem a bit like I'm holding him over an emotional barrel in the short term, but in the long term it's going to give me the upper hand in the situation and force him to think carefully about how any potential bad reaction is going to affect our relationship. Even if he needs time to process it, that's fine and I'm going to make it clear that if he needs to step back for a while and digest the situation it's fine with me.

---------- Post added 26th Jan 2014 at 02:56 AM ----------

To add: Because of the way things are between us and I have this unique opportunity to speak to him about our relationship as father and son in such a positive light, it's totally given me the balls to do it. If I was going in without that I'd probably have the letter in my pocket

 

I did it!!!!

Went for a pint and a meal and I was feeling so nervous the whole time. I got to the stage where I said I didn't want anything to ever disrupt our father-son relationship and totally froze. How was I going to bring this up again?

So, we continued with the evening and had another pint and I was mostly staring into space with a vacant expression. Went back to my Dads house for a while then went for another beer before I got the train. It took me a while but eventually I said "there's something I really need to talk to you about". He asked what it was and I put my head in my hands and said "I don't really know where to start" and fumbled a bit, then eventually looked him in the eye and said "you know when I eventually settle down, it's probably not going to be with a girl, although there's still a remote chance it might be, if you know what I'm saying? But probably not. Believe me, I've had times where I've wanted to change this but I have no control over what cards I'm dealt. I've accepted that's who I am and I need to get out there and enjoy my life. Please tell me this doesn't matter to you because I would be gutted if you decided you were going to think of me differently now". He assured me that I was still his son and nothing would change, even though I could tell he was uneasy. He said he noticed I was quiet and wondered what was up. I left for my train and got a tighter hug than I usually get from him

Mission accomplished I think!! Still in a daze really, but super happy that he's accepted things!