I am 29 and just recently realized that I'm gay. It took me a very long time to accept myself as gay. I always thought I was just a little curious or perhaps bi, but ultimately wanted to be with women. I have been with an amazing girl for almost two years, and I thought it was what I wanted, but I now realize that my attraction to men is constantly dominating my thoughts. I find myself with no desire sexually for women, something that I've always struggled to admit to myself. I have never cheated or even come remotely close to cheating in her, but I cannot pretend to be sexually attracted to women any more, knowing what I truly desire inside. I know that I need to tell her, and I know that sooner is much better than later in this scenario. I know there is fear holding me back, but I have deep concern for her as well. I know that staying with her cannot help, given the circumstance, but she has legitimate issues with axiety, hyper sensitivity, and depression. She is on medication for these issues as it is, and I'm going to feel like the worst person in the world for making it worse on her. I know it'll devistate her. We've been living together for quite some time now, and I know she truly believes that I'm the one. A blow like this to her self esteem may be too much for her to handle. I know there isn't an easy way to go about this, and I know that answers probably vary from scenario to scenario, but any helpful advice at all would be more than welcome.
That definitely sounds like a tough situation. Still, I would say that you owe it to yourself and to her to tell her eventually. I hear you about her issues with anxiety/depression but that isn't a good enough reason to keep going with the charade forever. Does she have some kind of a support system like family/friends to help her after you tell her because she probably won't be able to look to you for support.
That's one of my concerns which I forgot to mention actually. She doesn't really keep friends close enough to have them as a support system, and her family has never been much for supporting her. In fact, she has expressed to me before that I AM her support system. I'm not sure to whom she would turn. Again, I know it is not an excuse to not tell. I know I have to. I'm just so concerned about how she'll take it.
Hi, I totally understand the dilemma you're in because I've talked to a lot of people who have been there and felt that "tug" in both directions. Here's the piece I'd encourage you to think about: At a certain point, she has to take responsibility for her own feelings and actions. As long as you're kind and sensitive to her when you tell her, it isn't your responsibility to take on the worries about her psychological condition. Additionally, if the roles were reversed, consider that you would want to know sooner rather than later so you don't end up investing more and building even stronger feelings in a relationship that can never be what you want it to be. At the end of the day, that's the piece that is likely the most important. If you really care about her, that should drive your desire to be authentic with her. I know it's really hard, and I know it's tied in with a deep fear that she'll hate you or think you're a terrible person... but you aren't. You're just discovering yourself and coming to terms with a difficult thing. And doing the best you can, now, with what you have, now, is the best you can possibly do.
Do you feel like you would still want to be friends with her if you broke up? If so, you could always assure her that you'll be there to support her just not in the same way you used to be able to. I know it's not perfect but it might soften the blow a bit.
It sounds like you care about her a lot which is obviously making it harder for you to break this life changing news to her. It is best sooner before she becomes more invested then she is now. Remember this is really about you and who you really are, you can perhaps stress to her that you do care about her as a friend and want to still be there for her as a friend if you feel you can offer that to her. Just try not to give her any mixed signals and be prepared that she might feel angry and hurt and not want the support you can give or want to support you during this transition. There is no way to really soften the blow but with time you will feel better being who you really are in life and hopefully you can still be there for each other and even keep up a friendship . Good luck!!
Agreed with this one, also be sure to not make her feel unwelcome or like you are throwing her out, she might not take it well at first but if you keep your door open for her to be over at your place about as much as before (or even still live with you if both are comfortable with you being no more than roommates) then that is probably a good compromise.
My ex-gf who I dated back in college knew I was bi back then, and we've stayed friends long after we broke up and she's now been my closest confidante as I've started coming out over the last year. Y'all can make it work to be friends afterwards if you decide you want to, though I'm not going to say it's an easy or quick transition.
I'm 26 years old and I left my gf after a 4,5 year relationship last year after I had met my boyfriend on the internet and had finally accepted that I was gay. She doesnt have many close friends and isn't too close with her family either...but at that Point I realised that I had to think of myself/ my future life/ my happiness. I called her one month after I had broken up to tell her that I had a boyfriend and was gay. She took it very well and was somehow relieved that it hadnt been her fault etc. We dont have much contact anymore but as far as I know it helped her move on and I think she has a new bf now. Dk if that helps you but at one point you have to think of yourself and you have to be honest with her.
All of you have helped so much. I feel much better about telling her now. Now I just have to take the plunge. You're all amazing for offering such sound advice. Thanks again!!!
