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Friend Doesn't Want Others to Know I Came Out to Him?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by toffee96, Jan 13, 2014.

  1. toffee96

    Regular Member

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    So yesterday I made a post in the friends section of the forum where I asked if the friend I'm crushing on could be gay. (Post can be viewed here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/family-friends-relationships/121566-love-friend-who-might-gay.html?)

    The responses I got seemed to focus on one part of my story. Essentially, this friend is the first and only one of my friends who I've come out. (Also we're at an all-boys high school). The other day I approached him about coming out to a mutual friend of ours, and he made it clear that he did not want this friend to know that I had already come out to him. I asked if it was because he didn't want the friend to ask him about it, and he hesistantly said "yeah kinda."

    The thing is, I don't think I can come out to this new friend without being totally honest with him. I'm tired of living a lie and I don't want anything to be hidden from him after I come out to him.

    So should I talk to my friend who already knows again and try to convince him to change his mind? And why wouldn't he want the other friend to know he knows anyways? He's kind of shy around me but not so much towards others. He's also not homophobic so I'm not sure if he's gay or just embarrassed or whatever.

    Sorry if this is in the wrong section, I'm just looking for hep! :slight_smile:
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    It's delicate. You could try just being completely honest with the friend you're already out to, and say that you're trying to live authentically and would rather not lie to the 2nd person you're coming out to about whom you've told, and see if he's understanding. But for whatever reason, he doesn't feel comfortable -- maybe he's afraid he'd somehow be implicated as possibly being gay, whether there's any truth to that idea or not -- and so I don't think twisting his arm to agree to let you tell the truth is the right approach.

    It sucks to be in the middle of these sorts of situations but unfortunately it kinda comes with the territory when you're in high school.
     
  3. ladylovelylocks

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    He may feel like the 2nd friend knowing you came out to him first will implement him in *something* (whether that is something with you or him being gay as well who knows) or if you are all close friends he may feel torn between keeping your business your own and telling the 2nd friend (what I mean is if you are all close he might irrationally feel that the fact that he didn't run and tell the 2nd friend right away will be viewed as upsetting if the 2nd friend knows he knew first) High school dynamics can be complicated and irrational lol and I know many of us later wonder why we said and did what we did or worried about what we did back in high school :wink:

    As for what to do about it that is a sticky situation.
    You could A. Explain that you are tired of living closeted and just want it all out in the open and tell friend 2 regardless of friend 1's opinion but then you risk upsetting friend 1
    Or B. tell friend 2 and act like they are the first friend you told
    My personal opinion if it was me? I would likely tell friend 1 that while I respect their request I will not lie and make a compromise that you will not tell friend 2 friend 1 knew first unless friend 2 asks as you don't want to lie to anyone. Hope that helps :slight_smile: