I'm scared. Nay, I'm downright terrified. I came out to my mom. A devout a christian, when she was young. Pansexuality and Demiromantic didn't seem that bad to me, compared to what I could've said. She'd said years precious that she'd accept any of us (my siblings and I) if we were to come out so. She didn't blow up. But she most certainly wasn't accepting. She said she'd love me no matter what. She's always said that. But now that I've done it, she's given me mixed signals. I can understand that. As of late, I've noticed my depression getting worse. It might sound pathetic, but I'v been locked into a box in addition to being forced into the closet. It's all closing in on me, along with the seasonal sepression thaat comes from living in Alaska. My parents know nothing of my depression, as I've been worrying about that too. Make no mistake. I'm depressed; not suicidal, though the two are often synonymous. I don not need reassurances because I'm certain life will go on and get better. I'm almost eighteen; I'll be able to make my own decisions in about two years, when I'm off at college. I look forward to that. For now, though, I need an outlet. With her permission, as I would need to sign some forms, I asked to join my school's GSA club, looking for some kind of friendship and support from people in my school. They already avoid me; there would be little harm, in my opinion, by looking for some similar minded people to talk to and be social with, But what has the tears streaming down my face right now, what really has me pained and infuriated and stressed and depressed and is that my mom thinks I'm too young to decide this stuff for myself. A bit of background: I've had all of one boyfriend, who lasted a week. We didn't hold hands, or kiss, or anything. The physical aspect of relationships has always frightened me. My mother's answer? It's because I haven't had any experience with a guy yet. I'm anti-social. Almost Sherlock Holmes from the BBC anti-social, but I do try. That was my mother's second-most weapon against my case: my lack of desire to communicated with the people she has me visit. I did not talk to anyone at any of the social meets that she has dragged me to. I don't have anything in common with those people; why would I try to talk to them? Perhaps it's wrong of me and right of her to think so, but it's difficult, especially when I'm unlikely to see them again. Why waste the energy? I understand that this paints me in a negative light, but currently the association with and attention of random adults that my parents even hardly see, doesn't interest or bother me nearly so much as the shunning and avoidance, practical invisibility that my peers offer me. I have nothing to offer them, and the only time they ever deign to talk to me is when they need my help with an answer or when I start a conversation. In both situations, the conversations end rather quickly, and I am left to my invisibility again. My mother's greatest weapon, however, is herself. “Has your father and I done something wrong? Have we let you play on the internet too much?” All that the internet has done in this particular regard is give me the information I need to define myself. Not converted me from Christianity – which was never a staple of my youth and mostly ignored anyway – and into a life of oddity and godliness that she seems to think I've placed myself on. This place, other sites that I frequent, has given me the ability to define who I am and seek help for that which I don't understand. It has allowed me to find myself earlier than I perhaps would have had I not had the access that I do. I'm agonizing and deciding now rather than later in life when I might've made a mistake that was irreparable, unforgivable and unforgettable. Isn't that a good thing? And I've been thinking on this for two years, I'm pretty sure of myself by now. I haven't done drugs, haven't slept with anyone, haven't even had the courage to talk to anyone beforehand, so I fail to see what the real problem is. I understand that she'll need time, and that the idea might make her queasy, but the pain is difficult. I'll wrap up. If anyone has any advice at all, and so chooses to respond to this, may I pleas make a request: don't apologize about what has happened. I don't quite know why I decided to tell her now, but I have, I know how she reacted, it's over with. There's nothing anyone but the two of us that could've done anything about the situation, so while your sentiments are appreciated... Second, please do not worry about me attempting suicide, drugs, or anything else. I know that the struggle will end one day; reassurances make me feel smuggled. Beyond that, just some one to talk to that DOES understand would be nice. Thank you for reading my rant. This confession has done me a load of good, and I appreciate any and all ears. Maybe I'll even sleep tonight! And if I am unable to return to the site for a while because my internet access has been limited, then farewell, for now.
CloudyEver, you are very courageous. My mother too is kinda homophobic, she always says things like how bad it would be to have a gay son, that to be gay is a disease and so on. Well, I'm better ad giving advices that at following them, but i have readed that the homophobic and racist ideas are borned from the bad emotions we harbor towards a group that is perceived as stranger and in competition rather that from reason, so with time, when she accept that you are part of this group, she will not perceive this group as stranger as before, and she will come to accept it. But remember, no matter what, there is nothing that can break the mother-daughter bond. It is made of steel. Only people with deep emotional problems (related to religion or to their own sexuality) distance themselves from or send away their child when they found out they are gay. Because the bond is strong. Right now she is scared for you, she thinks an out-group is trying to brainwash you and make you a lesser person, but you are the center of her thoughts, YOU. The inner thoughts she has now are probably "my daughter is in danger" and "my daughter must not be gay otherwise it will be terrible, she will have a terrible life and she will be worthless and the disapproval of people will be unbearable ", but these thoughts are not rational, they come from the bad emotions she has towards an out-group and the attachment she has to you. If you start saying something like "mom, i'm not in danger, i'm not worthless, nobody is brainwashing me, it is not true that i must not be gay, i will not have a terrible life, i will be happy, i can bear the disapproval of uninformed people" she may gradually start to change her ideas. But first you must believe it yourself. It is not true that you must not be gay. It is not true that you will have a terrible life. You will have a great life, and you can bear the disapproval of uninformed people because you know they are wrong. Well, i tried to talk to you like my therapist would. In fact, if sometime your depression becomes to high, i suggest you contact someone ( but stay away from religious morons, contact only a certified therapist). In the meantime remember that depression comes always from thoughts that are not rational,like those i just told you. I give you a big hug. And a kiss on the cheek.
