Hi guys, A bit of family background: My parents are Asian, Christian and conservative. So I've been trying to figure out a way to tell my mom I'm gay since I kissed a girl for the first time this past August. After I had that magical kiss, I knew I couldn't go on pretending to be straight or pretend that me liking girls is just a "phase" or a "struggle" that God will help me get through, as my mom seems to think it is. I have told her and my dad that I am attracted to women and have been for as long as I can remember. I already talked to my dad and my siblings. My siblings have been the most accepting, and my dad is a fine with me being gay as he possibly can be at the moment. Lately, due to certain living situations at home, I have been hearing a lot of homophobic comments from my mom and it hurts. It hurts deeply because I have told her I'm attracted to women. Add to that the fact that she stresses that I'll be marrying a guy one day, despite what I've said before, I don't know what to do. She keeps asking me what's wrong but I don't think she could take the truth. She is stressing me out, so I hide in my room and do other stuff to console myself and to survive. In this current state, in my current environment, I feel as if I'm just surviving, not living. By the way I still live at home and am looking for a full-time job to move out and live on my own. I am adult struggling to find a job in this economy due to a mixture of circumstances, which makes it extra hard. Help! What can I do to not go crazy, besides moving out, which I'm working on right now?
First of all, why should you go crazy? Your mother thinks that one day you will mary a guy and this is just a phase, you know that is not true, and you have told them but she answer with pargument that have no logical sens at all, so she is the one that is refusing reality, and this happens mainly for 2 reasons: 1)she has deep emotional and rational problems connected to her religion , that lead her to believe that God is testing you and one day you may go to hell if you don’t pass the test. But this at limit of craziness. Just ask her: “how is going to happen mother, a devil is going to enter my room when i die and will take me hell? Or if i marry i guy when i die i will grow a pair of wings and go to heaven? Since gay people rarely change , the test that God is making me do require me being miserable for all of my life? Also, since you are speaking to our father instead of staying silence in his presence , just like the bible commands near to the passage where it says that being gay is an abomination, are you going to hell? “ 2) she believes that you are in danger of becoming a lesser person, and that you will have a terrible life. This other delirium is borned from the non-spoken idea that all gay people are “inferior”, meaning they have no value. And what gives them value? The fact that we decide to give them value of course, nothing else, so gays are inferior because your mother says that. It is plain delirium. Unfortunatly you cannot aspect your mother to see her irrationality immediately, and this is even more true now that you are gay, because the deep love that she has for you clouds her judgment and prevent her from being rational, even more than the religious factor. You know, there are a lot of religious arguments for gay, you may start there with here, if you think she would reject anything else right now.
The crazy part comes in when she won't leave me alone and treats me like a child at home, expecting me to share how I'm feeling just because she asked me to. She knows something is bothering me. I just can't tell her. What she believes about gay people is that they are living the wrong lifestyle, and she emphasizes the word "wrong." Her brother is gay and has been in a relationship with his partner for at least 13 years. How can she not see that and be more accepting of gay people? How can she be so blind to the fact that I've already told her I'm attracted to women? We had an in-depth discussion about this attraction, yet she persists in saying that gay people are wrong and that homosexuality is a choice. What choice did I make? If anything, I would prefer to be straight and be able to marry my best guy friend.
To change your mother's ideas it will take time. In the meantime i suggest you do not to feel bad about what she says. Don't pretend from her the change ideas and be supportive in the near future. With time she may come around, but however now and in the future your happiness doesn't depend from her. If you feel bad because she believes silly things, you don't have to make them change her mind to feel good, just accept that in the past people around her passed her some lies as truth and at that time she was too young to judge these ideas critically, and today these ideas prevent her from treating you in a rational way. She still loves you, but unfortunately these false ideas make her act silly. i mean, if tomorrow your mother gets a brain cancer and starts telling you will go to hell and are worthless, will you feel bad or you will accept she has brain cancer? The ideas your mother received when she was young are like a cancer of the mind, homophobia is like a cancer that destroy lives every day. Give her time to heal. Also remember that you can bear whatever your mother says, because you know she is wrong and she loves you but her mind is sick.
I already know my dad is doing his best to adjust and to accept the fact that I will eventually be in a relationship with a woman. And actually, my mom did have a health scare. I mean, I love her a lot, but the way she talks makes me feel sad at times, the type of sadness that comes when the very person who claims to love you no matter what is the one who says the most to hurt you. I can take a relative's homophobic chatter because he doesn't live in the same house. The things is, we still go to the same church that originally fed her the ideas of what it means to be a woman and what future relationship should look like. It's all about women marrying men and having kids and being the typical "biblical woman." so that's what she believes I should be like, despite the fact that I have already deviated from that in more ways than one, including a career path. And when same sex marriage was on the ballot in my state, my church did a voting registration drive to register as many members as possible, and encouraged them to vote against same sex marriage to preserve the biblical institution of marriage. And there I was, sitting in church with my mom nodding and agreeing with the pastor. It hurts to be in a community where the vast majority of people are like that, and gay people are ostracized, yet heterosexual sin all right so long as you repent. I'm sorry. I'm just venting now about everything that bugs me. Back to the original question I had in mind, does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can tell my mom I'm gay besides bringing a girl home for Sunday dinner and kissing her in front of my mom? Oh, and Ristampa, thanks so much! I will definitely take your advice and not feel bad about what she says. I'll let my very straight sister get offended for me, which she does when my mom makes crass judgments about gay people.
Well said girl, remember: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story. Your mother cannot make you feel bad if you don’t let her. Don’t give her this power on you, because in this moment she is not the right person to have it. Also you have already told her you are gay, now it is time to make her accept it. This will be a battle, and to win it, you need to use 2 powerful weapons: the shield of knowledge and the sword of emotions. To find the shield of knowledge, you have to read and inform yourself. Spend some time finding the truth about you, and also about your mother. You can start here: Sexual orientation, homosexuality and bisexuality and here LGBT-Sexual Orientation | psychiatry.org and here Definition of Homophobia But the shield is not enough. You need the sword of emotions. When the time is right, you have to tell her what you feel, and why. You have to tell her that you suffer. You have to tell her that you are scared. And you must try to make her feel compassion for gay people, because compassion is the emotion with the most power when it comes to overcome racism and homophobia . Compassion and moral progress go hand in hand. As i said in an other post the book "Uncle’s Tom Cabin" did a lot against racism because was capable of making people feel compassion towards black people. Ask your mother to read a book that show the life and struggle of gay people and ask her to watch videos where gay people tell their stories and especially how they suffered in their life. Show her the sufference of the LGBT community, point the sword to her heart. Well, i hope i helped you girl. Let me know how it goes ok? i give you an hug from italy (*hug*). Bye. Ps: regarding your church, do you believe 1) that god makes no mistakes and people that say that being gay is a sin are wrong, or 2) you fear that god may punish you for being yourself? Do you want to talk about it? Let me know.
Don't let your mom make you feel down I don't understand why she thinks gay is wrong I mean everyone deserved to be loved I don't get what she ment by being gay is a choice I'm bi but its not a choice its who I am I got a idea how about a coming out letter just my idea
I don't think God makes mistakes, but I have been raised to believe that God sends gay people to hell. It has become a deep-rooted fear that is hard to get rid of because I grew up hearing it all my life. For example: "Homosexuals need to repent of their sin before it's too late." I heard it from my mom, from some of her relatives, from the church i grew up in. And hearing these things still after telling her that I'm attracted to women is very painful. I'm trying not to let it bother me, but what will it take for her to believe me? And doglover44, a letter is how I came out to my dad. And then I had lunch with him afterwards to talk about the contents. He was as understanding as he could possibly be, and for that, I am truly grateful. As for my mom, perhaps a letter would help. Better than me just showing up with a girlfriend one day, eh? Haha!
Well,first i think you also need to change church. Second, i remind you again that it is a good thing if your mother comes around, but you don't need this to be happy. Don't let her beliefs ruin your day. If she is homophobic, it's her problem not yours. That said,as i told you to make her change mind on this issue you need knowledge and emotions. Well, personally i'm an agnostic so i don't feel confident in god's existence and in the existence of hell, but even if we assume for a moment that god exist, that doesn't mean that gay people will go to hell. To start, challenge the idea of hell as a place made of fire . This is an idea that even many conservative and homophobic bible scholars reject. Look at this video about the "fire" idea (and this guy is probably not even pro-gay and modern, i want to show you his ideas to prove the point): Hell No! Shame on You! - YouTube So, no fire, only the most idiotic preachers that have not studied the bible believe hell=fire. Even the pope would agree with me on this point (and this is even more true for the one we have now). But then, are gay going to go to the "no-fire-hell" after death? The most modern bible scholars reject even this idea. there is a lot of conflict among theologians on the interpretation of the bible. Read this: http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_bibl.htm and this Bible and Homosexuality This passage of the article , taken from the book of John Shelby Spong, is important i think: Even if one is a biblical literalist, the biblical references do not build an ironclad case for condemnation. If one is not a biblical literalist there is no case at all, nothing but the ever-present prejudice born out of a pervasive ignorance that attacks people whose only crime is to be born with an unchangeable sexual predisposition toward those of their own sex. If new knowledge about the cause and meaning of homosexuality confronts us, then we must be willing to relinquish our prejudice and the prejudice of Holy Scripture and turn our attention to loving our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, supporting them, and relating to them as a part of God's good creation. That will inevitably include accepting, affirming, and blessing those gay and lesbian relationships that, like all holy relationships, produce the fruits of the spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, and self-sacrifice—and to do so in the confidence that though this may not be in accordance with the literal letter of the biblical texts, it is in touch with the life-giving spirit that always breaks the bondage of literalism. If you get a better knowledge than your mother on this topic it will be easier to shut her up.
Love her "as is" and try asking the same of her. Consider how much of the situation is "her" and how much is the social baggage that we get slimed by. And be you -for you- and those you love. Even if they are exasperating in their lack of clue- parents are that. .and more. Keep hope she gets a clue:>
I'll try. I think i just need to keep the lines of conversation open and see how she reacts. Thanks everyone! (&&&)
