I'm 27 and finally finguring out that I'm a lesbian. BUT I'm engaged to a man and we have 2 kids together. We have not set a date to get married and I don't plan on setting one. How am I going to tell him? Our oldest is 6 years old, what the heck am I going say to him? He's old enough now to understand most things. I don't know what to do. He's going to be so mad and hurt. I hope someone has some good advice cuz I really need some direction.
This is a difficult one and I am not really in a good position to offer much advise. However I am pleased to see that you are trying to take the initiative now, and not get further into a situation (marriage) that would ultimately be wrong for all concerned. There have been a couple of recent threads by people who have realised or accepted they are gay while married, and from the partners of people in that position. I think some of the information in these could be useful for you as your situation is somewhat similar. As for your six year old, he may be too young to really understand what being a lesbian is. For now, dealing with the separation of you and your partner will be more than enough without confusing the issue further. You may need a "little while lie" to explain the separation (which hopefully you and your partner can agree on) for now. I'm sure you will get some good advice and suggestions here over the next few days. Meanwhile, welcome to EC!
This will be a difficult process but you can do it. I've worked with young children for 18 years now. Children understand love very well. You can simply say to him that you are grateful for the relationship you have had with his father and that because of that relationship you have him and his sibling and promise him that you will do your best to make sure that both Mommy and Daddy will always there for him no matter what. You can then say that some people in this world love people of their own sex(girls love girls or boys love boys) and you have figured out that you are one of those people. Tell him that someday you hope to have somebody to love but nothing will ever change the love you feel for him. I hope this helps. Becky
Hi Nessa! I wish I could tell you every thing would be fine, but I'm only a few steps ahead of you... I'm 35, have 2 girls (3 and 6) and have been married for 9 years. I've been really struggling over the past 2 years with my sexual orientation. Without going into the details, I admitted last summer to my wife that I was 'sometimes' attracted to other men and in the fall admitted that I had actually cheated with other men. While my wife was of course shocked to learn I had homosexual 'tendencies' she was devastated to learn that I had lied and cheated - I think that was the worst part for her. With respect to me being gay / bi, she is in fact being very supportive. She recognizes (as do I) that this is probably the underlying reason for my previous bouts of depression. - It sounds like you and your fiance love each other - otherwise why would you be engaged - so you might be surprised at how understanding and supportive he will be. We (she really, but I don't blame her) decided in the new year that we should separate. That was a devastating blow. But again, my wife and I agreed - and our therapist supports this - that the reason for our separation is our own business and nobody needs to know. While its been hard to explain and difficult for people (parents, friends) to accept, they have respected our privacy and not 'insisted' on knowing why. So... the kids at that age don't need to know either the exact reasons why. What they do need to know (and there are books out there to help you through this with kids) is that you love them, that your separation wasn't their fault, that they can't do anything to 'fix' things between mommy and daddy, and that mommy and daddy are having grown up problems - nothing that kids need to be worried about. That has worked for us - so far. What I tell them later, I have no idea. But I'm not planning to 'come out' to anyone else any time soon, and my wife is supportive of that. Some stuff for you to think about. I know it's very scary - but the kids don't need to know and won't want to know. They'll be worried about where they will live, if they keep their friends, when they'll see their dad, etc. Let me know if you want to chat more. Welcome to this site. I hope you find it helpful. I have. Just talking about stuff is helpful. Jim
Nessa - welcome to EC :smilewave I don't know if I can add anything helpful - but good to see Becky and Jim coming in with some relevant thoughts. I hope you get some good ideas from here - I know you'll get plenty of sympathy and understanding.
Thank you to those who replyed to my post. I'm still so confused. I really feel like I need to experience being with a woman, not just on a sexual level but also a relationship, before I decide if I'm gay or bi. I still find men very attractive but I have stronger feelings of attraction towards women. I want to do this before I get married, but I can't without cheating and losing him and I don't want to loose him. How do I get to the bottom of my sexuality with out ruining my life as it is now. I feel selfish, like I want my cake and eat it too. :bang: I swear he's been sweeter to me lately too, like he can tell something is wrong, making it much harder for me to figure things out. He's literally been waiting on me hand and foot and all I can think about is what it would be like if he were actually a woman . It makes me sick to my stomach when I think about telling him that I'm having second thoughts about my sexuality. I've only had 2 sexual experiences with a woman and both times a man was involved and it sucked. My first crush on a girl was when I was 11 or 12 but when I asked my mom about it she didn't reply with my feelings in mind and I in return I never delt with it till I was 19... and assumed I was bi. Now I'm in a long term relationship and all I can think about is women. I'm so torn between wanting to be happy and married but now not to a man... and I love him so much. :icon_sad:
I always think the best policy is honesty. Wouldn't he understand if you told him the whole story? I don't think anyone would want to go further into a relationship that was possible doomed. And I think it's commendable that you are taking initiative now instead of after you are married. I don't really have any great advice, I guess, but I think he has to know. The good part about being active this early in the relationship is that you can cut down on hurting him so badly. The last thing you want to do is cheat on him. Tell him what's going on. Maybe he would agree that a separation would be good, just for a while until you can be sure marrying him is the right thing to do? And I think your kids will be very understanding. They are still very young, and, like Becky said, kids understand love. To a child, being with someone you love, no matter what their sex, is a good thing. Good luck.
